I have found true love.

The trouble with words is that once they are spoken, they cannot be erased.  No take backs, no apologies that will ease the sting or remove them from memory.

Words, statements, spiteful comments made to hurt me, do hurt and if I let them, bring tears to my eyes.  As quickly as the hurt feelings come, I force them back down just as quickly to deal with in my own time.  And I do deal with it and trust me, healing takes time.

Inspite of my strong façade, the things that have been said to me, will always stay with me.  Doubt, fear and a trusting heart are my weaknesses.

After the upheaval of last week, feeling pulled in a thousand directions, I made it my mantra to make this week better.  Pushing all negativity out and plowing forward like I always do, I was overtaken by a force so powerful, it left me speechless.

I have always known this force was there.  Quietly keeping watch over me, waiting for the moment I needed it the most.  Little did I realize that tonight would be the night I needed it.

I try my best to be a positive light in the darkness for my children and let’s face it for myself.   I keep a positive image of their dad ever present.  I am optimistic that all will be well, that I will not fall into the deep pit of despair that threatens to overtake me sometimes.  But at the edge of the optimism, lies a bitterness and anger, just waiting for permission to become unhinged.  I don’t allow it often, but when I do, it isn’t pretty.  It is however, healthy.  I don’t dwell on the negative, nor do I ignore it.  I just deal with it.

Alas, one comment put me over the edge and today I just couldn’t keep the walls from tumbling. 

After checking on the kids to make sure they were covered, sound asleep and kissed one more time, I walked into my bedroom with the feeling of total devastation.  Yes, one comment, undid all the positive work I had done over the past week.

I found myself sitting on my bedroom floor, back against the wall (literally and figuratively), where I put my head in my hands and let go. 

Full out, heartwrenching sobs came pouring out, cleansing my mind and spirit.  The kind of emotion that leaves you raw, vulnerable, a little afraid and with an empty heart.  I cried for the loss of the dreams I had for my family.  I cried for my children who will come through this ok, but don’t deserve this.  I cried for the loss of the man I once loved with my whole heart for my whole life.  I cried from the sheer pain of a broken heart.

Allowing myself to feel the complete devastation of the loss of all these things (because it is healthy to feel), I suddenly felt a presence standing in front of me.

I looked up through my swollen eyes and tears and came face to face with my children.

They stood there, infront of their ever positive, strong, optimistic mother, who was currently in a heap on her bedroom floor, weeping.

Looking at me, not with fear, pity or surprise, but something else.

One with a box of tissues, the other with a glass of water.

They didn’t say a word.  These two amazing little souls, silently wiped my tears and rubbed my back until the sobbing subsided.

After a few minutes, the silence was broken by the soft voice of my 10 yr. old daughter.  “Someday mommy, he will realize what a beautiful spirit you are, and it will be too late for him.”

My 7 yr. old son took my face in his little hands and whispered, “Mommy, your heart is just too good.”

In stunned silence, I gathered them into my arms and held them for a very long time. 

No words needed to be said, nothing to be erased.

No pretences, no conditions, no boundries, no shame.

Just pure, almost painful, love.