As Time goes by...

Time….it means something different to everyone.  I need more time, I don’t have time, I wish I had time, where has the time gone?  Tonight as I had time to myself, it really dawned on me.  Time is moving forward, minute by minute, hour by hour, whether I like it or not.  All the moments of “time for bed, time for school, time to turn off the computer, time to do your homework, time to feed the dog etc...it turns our world into one giant clock.  

There was a time that I thought my world would never be “normal” again.  But here I am, living my life, my new “normal”.  All in good time, they said.  Time heals all wounds they would say.  And they were right.  

Writing this post got me thinking back,  remembering all the times when the kids were little and I just wanted a hot shower, a hot cup of tea, to finish a meal.  Now I have time for that.  The kids are growing much too fast and those “luxuries” are now possible. My dinner table is full of actual conversation and as quickly as they come to the table for dinner, they are gone again.  “No time mom, gotta get to dance”  “Sorry mom, hockey starts at 10”

I started to think about all the times I took my littles into my arms and wiped their tears because a barbie head popped off, or a lego man got stuck in the drain again.  I still wipe tears, but now it’s for a young woman who is a good 5 inches taller than me and the tears are about a boy who she thought liked her and didn’t.  And even though I am still needed to wipe the tears of a boy whose lego men still get stuck in the drain again, time has turned him into a self sufficient little man.

There was a time when being alone in the bathroom was impossible.  But today I glanced at the bathroom door wishing for a minute that I saw chubby little fingers under the door waving at me and a little voice asking me why I was taking so long?  

One of my favourite quotes is from Steve Jobs : “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”

Never have truer words been spoken.  

I will leave you with one of my favourite songs that my grandpa used to sing to me...and  I absolutely wish I was given more time with him.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPLFMUmonK8

Back by popular demand...

Ok, ok…so many of my amazing readers have been asking me since my last post (Nov. 2012…where the hell did that time go?) when I was going to write again.  Emails, face book messages, tweets have come steadily over the past year and a half…I am flattered that my writing has made such a difference to so many of you.  To be honest, I actually didn’t think I would blog again. It was therapeutic for me initially.  (And highly recommended by my counsellor)  I didn’t really intend for my online journaling to affect so many people.  Peer pressure aside, I am going to blog again for another reason.  In our small town of 30,000 people, I know of SIX couples (in the last year alone) that have decided life would be better apart.  These are only the people that I know, I am sure there are many more.

I actually sat and read through ALL my previous posts before writing this, for two reasons.  One because I was ready to look back and two, because I needed to be reminded of how far I have come.  (If you are a new reader, grab the beverage of your choice, some tissue and start at the beginning)

Sometimes in the midst of living we forget to “live”.  I guess I did this out of fear mostly.  No one really likes change.  Once my world turned upside down, I swore to myself that I would live, something I hadn’t been doing even while married, let alone while on my own those first few months. 

So much has happened in my life since my “final” post.  I have been purposely busy, engaged in my own life and have learned the power of boundaries.   I have been an active participant in my own life.  Amazing right???   Here are the highlights:

First and foremost, I met an amazing man who accepts me for who I am, quirks and all.  He has pushed me right out of my comfort zone with love, gentleness and support.  Two years later, we are very much committed to similar goals, values and each other.

I went on a 4000 km roundtrip road trip to Nova Scotia.  I camped people…like in a tent.  On the ground.  In a sleeping bag.  And guess what?  I have camped since.  Shocking I know. 

I whale watched in a zodiac on the ocean.  I puked for three hours straight and seriously considered throwing myself overboard to end my suffering, but I damn it, I lifted my head from the side of that boat long enough to see a humpback and an Orca. 

I ate fresh (like right from the ocean next to our tent) mussels for the first time in my life, got hives and will never eat mussels again. 

I was diagnosed with diabetes and made huge lifestyle changes.  All those “crazy” years were just unstable blood sugar.  Go figure.

I changed jobs (well, I went back to my old job which was kind of a new job, but still feels like my old job with a few more responsibilities…which I am so grateful for)

I climbed an escarpment, I zip lined and took many more road trips (with more to come)

I had major surgery.

I became an official statistic with my divorce being finalized in September 2013.

I burned some bridges (with a blow torch and gasoline) and I built and rebuilt a few too.

I turned my house into “my” house.  It felt so foreign for so long that I wasn’t sure we could stay here. 

While you are in the middle of your day to day routine you really don’t see the progress you have made until you steady yourself and breathe.  Now that I have written all those things down and can visually take stock, I can see that I have been kicking ass at this life thing the whole time.

HOWEVER…there are some things that I wish to pass along.  For all of you, no matter where you are in your journey, here are the things that you might relate to and some things that might give you some hope.

Your cheerleaders will go home (most of them) and that’s ok.  They have lives of their own and life moves on with or without you.  The few that stick around are important. Be the same support for them when the need it.

You will collapse into bed at the end of a very long day, very long week, very  long month, very long year, wondering how you will carry on, but you will do it.

You will feel a kind of loneliness when you have nothing to contribute to the water cooler conversation that starts with “my husband…” (insert annoying habit, a family vacation, a new anniversary ring, surprise flowers etc…)

You will come to accept that your “married couples club” membership has been revoked.  You are no longer part of that club.  And now you are either in the singles club or trying to make a new relationship work without falling into the same patterns that got you kicked out of the club in the first place.

You will try not to feel sad, jealous, envious, angry at all of the engagements/weddings/anniversary gifts/family trips/ that bombard you on a daily basis.  But it’s hard…really hard not to feel cheated in a way.  I swear face book will be the death of all of us on this one.  Damn you social media.

You will learn to accept and eventually embrace an empty house.  You will never fully enjoy sharing the kids.  Hopefully the shitty feeling you get when you say your goodbyes will fade.

You will figure out how to make $1.00 stretch into $5.00 and get very little sleep when the bills are due.

You will struggle with being grateful with what you have and wanting more. 

You will get stress hives all over your chest, neck and face from lack of sleep and anxiety.  This rash will require a prescription.  Trust me on this one. 

You will think about your past actions (over and over) and wonder “how the hell did I get here” You will eventually take responsibility for your part and move forward.  (Well, most of us will)

You will find that your gratitude list (another counsellor recommendation) is hard to complete some days.  For example...not too long ago my gratitude list had one comment only "I am grateful for this super awesome gel pen and that I am not illiterate"  Like I said, sometimes it's hard.

You will feel frustrated, angry, bitter, sad, powerless and overwhelmed.  Be gentle with yourself.  But not so gentle that you can’t hoist up your big girl panties and get the hell on with life.

You will learn that you cannot control everything. Faith, patience, breathe.  Repeat.

You will find yourself in the middle of the bed (instead of on your side) and think “damn, this is alright”

You will find out who you really are and probably like that person a whole lot. 

You will lie awake at night overthinking, analyzing and worrying.  Don’t do this worrying on “your side”.  Move to the middle and own that bed! 

You will consider becoming the crazy cat lady.  Don’t do it. 

You will grieve, grow, feel and grow some more.  So when some time has passed, and you can actually breathe without cracking, stop being a party pooper.

You will stop crying every time the kids leave for the weekend.  

You will soon find out who really cares about you (and be grateful for this knowledge) and you will also soon find out who doesn’t give a shit about you (and you will be grateful for this too)

You will find that financial independence is terrifying and exciting at the same time.  Kind of like my whale watching trip.

You will feel guilt.  A giant load of mother f’in guilt over lots of things.

You will find an inner power that you never knew was there. 

You will heal.

You will eventually figure out that you alone are responsible for your own happiness. 

Most importantly…

You will be ok.  Even if you can’t see it, you will be more than ok.

An ending always leads to a new beginning

Life has a way of moving forward, with or without us.  Its takes us to places we never thought possible or dreamed even exsisted.  It also can take us to depths that we never thought we would survive.  However, we do survive.  We place one foot in front of the other, sometimes running, sometimes strolling along enjoying the view and sometimes being dragged along kicking and screaming. 

I made a commitment to myself to blog for the first year of my new life.  To bare all in an attempt to grasp onto whatever I could out of sheer survival at first. Survival quickly turned therapeutic and ultimately brought me peace.   My blog readers grew, I found out who really stood beside me and who did not, made new friends and reconnected with old ones.  The wheel had turned again and out of the darkness, there was light.  The final chapter of this book is now closed for me but my journey into a whole new world is just beginning. 

Before I wrote the final chapter of this book, I re read the previous chapters.  Reliving moments, feeling the fear, the sadness, the triumph, crying, laughing, sometimes shaking my head in disbelief, at all I have accomplished and all that has challenged me over the past year.  I have allowed myself the freedom of forgiveness, the freedom from guilt and shame, the freedom to be who I am meant to be.

 Through struggle and upheaval, I found myself being guided along a path that has lead me to a peaceful, balanced, forgiving life. A journey that has proven time and time again that taking the high road, especially in times of anger, rage and pain, has only benefited me in the long run.  You see my friends; karma will always be a bigger bitch than I am. 

Once I truly allowed myself to accept my situation, and that we are all on our own journey, fighting our own battles, did I free myself. The people I once called my friends, they are fighting their own battles.  The husband, I never in a million years thought would leave for something “better”, is fighting his own battles.   Once I allowed myself to be ok with my journey, to deal with it rather than avoid, did my vision become clear.

I triumphed over my fears, pushed myself to do things I never thought I could, failed and tried again. I fell on my face from time to time and always got back up stronger and more determined.  From manoeuvering through the world of water softener salt, to travelling from coast to coast in the same year, to opening my heart and trusting again,  to just getting through the day.  And I am grateful.   And I am proud. 

There were many days that I had convinced myself there were lots of reasons to give up.  There were many days when I actually gave up.  I literally threw my hands in the air, sank to the floor and cried.  Thankfully I have many people in my life that picked me up, who wouldn’t let me stay down for long.  They continually remind me of the light I have inside my heart, that it’s ok to “give up” on the not so great days and start new tomorrow.

 There are moments over the past year that I would rather forget, but will carry with me as a reminder of my journey and how far I have come and where I am headed.  Never again will I allow myself to feel the utter emptiness and despair of loss.  I won’t allow it.  I won’t allow someone else to extinguish the fire that feeds my spirit.  I choose to surround myself with love and laughter and friendship and light.  We all have that choice. 

I have had so many notes, letters and heartfelt appreciation for sharing my story.  Some from people I know well, some I only knew as an acquaintance and some from complete strangers who I now call a friend.  Support, encouragement from all around the world and the occasional hater thrown in there to keep me grounded.  Nevertheless, I am thankful for every single person who has followed my journey over the past year.  Putting my private life out on display was risky, foolish even in some people’s minds, but given the opportunity to do it over, I wouldn’t change a thing. I hope that in some way my story has helped my readers, regardless of whether you are married, single, divorced or just going travelling your own journey.

 I knew that when the natural end to the blog came, I would feel it.  I would trust that this story was complete when it felt complete.  I feel it now.  I knew when I emerged from under the weight of the strain and took my first breaths of fresh air that it was complete.

So my faithful readers, this will be the last chapter in my story.  My grand adventure has taken us all on a rollercoaster of emotion, laughter, tears and friendship. 

And so, today is the day I begin the first chapter in the next book…and I will leave you with a quote that sums up my journey through the dark into the light. 

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”  Denis Waitley

It's all in the details

This morning I woke up with a bit of a heavy heart.

Today is my son`s birthday and this weekend the kids are not here with me, but with their dad.

If my son were here, I would be sneaking into his room this morning to watch him sleep, just like I have for the past seven years.  I would be kissing his little face good morning and whispering Happy Birthday to him.  And right about now I would be snuggling in beside his warm little body to tell him again, about the day he was born.  In about an hour, we would be having our annual birthday breakfast complete with cupcakes.  However, not this morning, because he isn`t here. 

Sure I could do all those things tomorrow morning, but tomorrow is not his birthday.

Most of the time I embrace my aloneness when the kids are with their dad, but on days like today…I just want them here with me.  Selfish I know.  They deserve time with their dad.  He deserves time with them.  My head tells me this, but my heart still aches for them.

These are the details you miss when you are separated or divorced.  These are the moments and traditions that only you can understand because they are your private details of your life.  Significant moments, everyday moments and everything in between, suddenly seem magnified and painful.

Missed bedtime stories, lost traditions, packing and unpacking weekend bags, pick up times, a birthday phone call instead of a morning snuggle, behaviour issues, who gets how much time for Christmas,  a quiet house that suddenly feels big and lonely, co-parenting and decisions whether the kids reside equally in two homes or one…these are now my details.   I can`t change it, I can`t fight it and sometimes I feel helpless.  And from somewhere, deep down, I emerge from it all, accept it and carry on.   I am bigger than these obstacles I face.

In the midst of all things I cannot change, I know there are things I can.  I give myself permission to start new traditions, I can keep old ones that still work and that feel good.   I can choose to replay the past and try and get a new result (and go crazy in the process) or I can run fast and free into what is waiting to be discovered.  The kids and I have a favourite movie where advice is given from a crazy fish and she says ``Just keep swimming``.  I remind myself of that quite often.  It`s a very simple statement with a lot of power behind it. 

This fall we will still pick our apples and drive away with the quirkiest pumpkins we can find.  Although we may have to find a new patch to accomplish this as last year we went to the spot we have always gone to as a "traditional" family.  Let`s just say it ended in tears, an upset apple wagon and a cornstalk in my eye.  Don`t ask.

Our first Christmas as a ``new family`, as my kids would say, has come and gone.  There will still be reindeer food made, Winter solstice celebrated, and favourite Christmas movies watched.  I will still sit on the floor and try my best to put a deathstar together without crying or throwing it across the room.  Maybe we will celebrate a different culture every year.  Perhaps we hitch a ride on Santa's sleigh and take a mini vacation.  Who knows?  What I do know is that there will be new traditions to look forward to and the passing forward of all the kindness that was shown to us last year.

Birthdays, holidays, celebrations…they will still hold value for us. We will create new memories, celebrate new ways of thinking and know that no matter what we choose to do, we have each other.  We will still make birthdays a huge deal,  we will entertain our stuffed animals at tea parties for no good reason and wear crazy rabbit glasses at Easter.

The everyday moments are going to happen…everyday.  I can choose to look at them with regret and sadness or I can choose to actually live each moment and create something new from them.  We will continue to have after dinner dance off's in the kitchen, we will continue to talk about the best part of our day at the dinner table.  We will keep using fancy dishes for every Sunday dinner and we will use the margarita glasses to drink milk from on taco night.  We will choose to let go of the things that no longer serve us or make us happy.  It's actually much easier than I thought.

Today is the day I stop using my favourite quote ``Stop looking back, your future isn`t there``   I realized this quote isn't actually helping me move forward because it keeps reminding me that I am looking back. It keeps me in the past. 

So, I am replacing it with:

``You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”  Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go

 

My secret identity

Once upon a time there was a girl.  She was young and starry eyed and full of trust.  She met a boy that gave her everything a 15 year old girl could want.  They fall in love or whatever love means at that age.  They date and become “the” couple.  He was the popular one, she was not.  An unlikely combination, but they travelled forward together with determination and innocence and pride.  The girl and boy married at age 21 and 23 respectively, and they were the first ones of the “group” to do so.  Blissfully unaware that the hesitation they both felt before the wedding would be a valuable lesson in listening to your instincts.  They moved together through life, through jobs, changed addresses, lost children, gave birth to children and tried to make sense of the downward spiral that had become their reality.  They were determined to prove that happily ever after was going to be ending to their story.

 As time went on the girl in this story lost herself, in fact, she never really had the chance to develop a sense of “self”.  She didn’t know any better.  How could she know?  She became comfortable in her role as the wife.  She thought this was the way it should be.  She clung to this role because she didn’t know how to be anything else.  She held on because who would she be without him? 

She had accepted the labels that were placed on her, from others and from herself.  She was the full time wife and full time career woman.  She was the go to friend for advice, the one who would drop everything to help, the co worker who would take on all the extra tasks. She was mom and all that word encompasses.  She was the one who allowed the storm of anxiety to brew inside herself when she felt that she disappointed.  She was labelled as the door mat for her inability to say “no”.  She grew to accept she was a people pleaser.  It made her feel like she had a purpose. Needing support was no longer an option to her because she was “the strong one”. This girl didn’t cry…she was the brave one.  She came to accept that she couldn’t ask for help because she was labelled as the one with all the answers.  She took care of her husband because those were the labels that they made for themselves.  He expected it and she gave. 

In her quest to help everyone else, she realized but never acknowledged at the time, that she had supported other people’s accomplishments and had done so much cheering on for everyone else that she had done very little for herself. She immersed herself in taking care of other people’s to-do lists that she had started neglecting her own.  Suddenly her goals and dreams took the back burner in order to support those around her.  She let this happen willingly because these were her labels.  This was who she was now.  The lines became blurred and the girl became invisible. 

She built her life on this shaky foundation of labels.  They gave her an identity.  They gave her a foundation created out of the fear that she could never let anyone down, with the fear of never being good enough and with the acceptance of defeat that she could never be anything but the labels she had accepted and had grown to feel safe with. She accepted the labels that “protected” her from the terrifying task of being true to herself. 

What she didn’t know, or ever expected, was the foundation she had built was about the crack.  The crack went deeper as life went on and the foundation began to crumble beneath her.  She didn’t know that when a hurricane ripped through her foundation she would be thrust into a journey of self discovery.  She had no idea that she was about to become the heroine in her own story.  She didn’t know what she was really capable of. She didn't know her own strength…until now.

Over time, I started to peel away the labels.  This process started long before my marriage ended.  I woke up one morning and realized that I couldn’t live another second in the box I had crammed myself into.  Needless to say, this did not go over well.  The once tolerant wife took her doormat label and tore it up.  This did not sit well with the man who had come to like and expect the doormat that I had allowed myself to be.  The removal of the labels became even more important once my marriage was officially over.  It was like peeling off a wool sweater on a warm day.  The itchiness, the heaviness, the covering up, all melted away once I stood in the sunshine, free of the pressure.

Some labels were so stuck that I had to pick and scratch them off.  Sometimes it hurt.  But, my secret identity was hidden under those labels and I wasn’t about to give up now.  Some of the labels fell away without much effort.  Some were like a band aid that I tore off with eyes closed and breath held, leaving what was underneath sore and exposed, perhaps not quite healed (the single mother label was one of these hold your breath and tear it off labels).  Other labels I tore off a little at a time and when I became afraid I panicked and I tried feverishly to stick them back on.  But once removed and forced back into place, I found they didn’t stick quite the same.  The labels that once provided me with protection and comfort didn’t feel good anymore.  The corners kept peeling away and no matter how hard I tried to keep them attached, they continued to peel away.  I had no choice but to let them fall away in their own time. 

And when I had reached the core of my identity I found something amazing.  The layers and pieces of the labels that suffocated me for so long blew away in the changing winds that brought me here.  At my core I found there is no failure, only encouragement, only support, only warmth.  There is self- love, freedom from guilt and balance. At my core there is a huge heart that will still do anything for anyone. A heart that is loving and strong and brave.  There is acceptance that I am ever evolving and a desire to keep evolving. I found the knowledge I am not powerful enough to change someone else’s story. I do not have their answers. At my core I found the freedom to write and edit and rewrite my own story. 

I found my truth, my strength, my flexibility.

Today is the day that I ask something from you. 

Please be kind to yourself.  Take off your wool sweater.  Be patient.  Don’t stick labels on the people around you.  Don’t live your labels.  You are so much more.    

So how does this heroine's story end?  It turns out that she did in fact live happily ever after.  Because she wrote it that way.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Today-is-the-day/266430446735734

The trouble with money...

Over the past year one of my biggest challenges being a single mom has been money.  Yes, finances.  No one likes to talk about it, no one likes to admit they don’t have any and a lot of people try to buy class with it.  

We are driven to want more, buy more, have more.  In the grand scheme of things, what does "more" even mean?  When the bottom suddenly falls out on you, "more" isn't even an option.  Day to day survival is.  Then, gradually, life has a way of settling.  You realize "more" was with you all along.

I spent many sleepless nights wondering how I was going to make this new life of mine work financially.  I would be up until 2 or 3am calculating, budgeting and was so worked up that I was physically sick more than once.  I mean, how can I do this alone on my income???  I have a part time job, run my own business (which really doesn’t contribute much to my income at all) child support payments coming in and my monthly child tax credit from Revenue Canada.  The total of my income per month is less than half of what it was when I was married.  But, here I am.  I have managed not to bounce a single cheque in a year and continue to pay all my bills on time.  I have the same expenses as I did with the four of us here but with less money coming in.  How can this be? 

Turns out, you don’t really need a lot of money to be happy.  Or “survive”.  I budget and it’s strict.  It’s not always “fair” but we always have enough.  And having enough is a state of mind.  I know I am fortunate…more fortunate than some in my situation.  I wake up every morning with a grateful heart appreciating what I have.  I also know that I want some ``wiggle`` room in my budget for the future.  Those decisions are totally up to me.  It`s freeing and terrifying to be responsible for my finances.  I am 100% responsible, succeed or fail.  I could have $1000 in my bank account or $1.00 in my bank account.  Either way, it's all me and I am doing it.

I have a car. It’s a nice car.  It is in one piece.  It runs well.  It’s not being repossessed out of my driveway. It’s great on gas.  I am content and grateful that I do not have to walk to the grocery store and that I can pick up go whenever I like.  Unless my car suddenly dies, never to be resurrected, I don’t see myself getting another one just for the sake of getting a new car.  I used to have a fancy van with automatic sliding doors, built in DVD player to entertain the kids and storage under the seats.  I don’t miss it.  Now we sing songs and play games on a trip.  There are toys in the back seat.  We communicate.  We laugh.

I do not own my own house.  I am ok with that.  I will someday and when the time comes, it will be something I can afford.  I will not mortgage myself to death for bragging rights to a concrete driveway.  If you have never lost everything, be grateful.  Because once you do, the type of hardware in your kitchen will be pretty meaningless.  Now I know some of you will draw your own conclusions with this. Thinking “she’s jealous” or “bitter”.  So before you get your knickers in a knot, this is untrue. I am happy for my friends who have these things.  It’s what they want and how they choose to live.  That just isn’t for me.  I like the uniqueness of my home.  I love that the drawer to left of my kitchen sink that holds my tea towels gets stuck every now and again.   I love the groans and creaks of an older place. I love that my door frame to the kitchen shows the marks of the how quickly my kids have grown over the years.  I love that my walkway isn’t perfect and has moss growing between the cracks. I love my lumpy brown lawn.  I love my maple tree in my backyard.  Trees are hard to come by these days.  I feel grateful that I was able to stay in the place we call home. 

My furniture isn’t the newest or the most expensive.  My dining room table is marked and scratched and worn with the memories of all the dinners, crafts, science experiments and laughter that lingers around each place setting.  Why would I want to trade that for a new table?  Antique dishes instead of modern pieces, mismatched cutlery and bowling alley glasses fill my cupboards.  These are important to me.  Sure I yearn for at least 8 teaspoons, yet they keep disappearing.  It’s not the cutlery that matters to me.  It’s the ice cream sundaes we eat with those spoons that makes me happy. 

My $50 Ikea chair is covered in paw prints, remnants of chocolate chip cookie and permanent marker.  It’s not overly stylish or even very nice looking.  However, it is the best chair in the house to curl up with a book, a cup of tea, take a nap or snuggle. You can actually use it. 

I have one TV in the whole house…gasp!!!  It’s not a big screen, bolted to my wall.  It’s not HD.  It’s not a plasma.  We have basic cable.  How do we survive you must be wondering?  We play, we draw, we read, we go outside, we make forts.  We create.

I have healthy kids who have learned to appreciate the value of a starry night, a picnic at the beach and the joy of lying in the grass guessing the animal shapes in the clouds.  Partly out of necessity and partly to keep the balance between the fun that you pay for and the fun that’s right in your own backyard. 

I guess my point is…why do we think we need more???  Your possessions don’t make you a better person.  They don’t make you nice to be around.  Your possessions, in my eyes, don’t define you. One of my favourite movies has this line in it:

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. "  Fight Club

Amen Fight Club.  Amen.

When you come to my home you will find shoes on the floor, smudges on my fridge, Lego men scattered among the books and toothpaste splatter on my mirrors.  You may even find the remnants of last weeks stink bomb that we created in our chemistry lab.  You will also find a place where you can put your feet up on my coffee table, set your drink down without a coaster, eat chips from the bag and walk barefoot on the mossy pathway.  You will find big dreams, imagination, rib crushing hugs and an open invitation for coffee. And love, alot of it.

Why am I telling you this?  Because my house isn’t a show house, it’s a home.  It’s messy and thrifty and well loved. It's lived in.  And that my friends, has more value than any professionally landscaped garden.  This was a lesson that I needed to learn. 

Without the events of the past year, I would still be trying to keep up and live beyond my means.   I came to realize that when I lost everything, I was given the opportunity to live life on my terms.  I was tired, stressed, scattered and afraid. I was dragged along the path of fear.  Afraid that we won’t have more than them.  Afraid of what others will think if we didn’t have this or that.  Afraid that we would never have enough to meet the standards of the ``friends`` we spent time with.

In place of feeling inadequate, stressed and anxious that I didn’t measure up, perspective, gratitude, peace and contentment filled my life once I realized I am not my bank account.  (Says the mostly broke woman who still dreams of winning the lottery)

Time has given me the amazing gift of knowledge.  Knowing that this moment is all I am guaranteed in life.  And it didn`t cost a thing. 

Dear Future Me

I had a lot of ideas floating around in my head for a post this week.  None of them felt just right.  I either couldn’t find the words, wrote and rewrote or just didn’t think it was “time” to write about the particular thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head.  I had three posts written this weekend and saved them for another time.  They just didn’t feel right.

As I sat here tonight and pondered what I would write about, I scrolled through my documents hoping that I had by chance written something super amazing previously and saved it for a rainy day.  All I could find was a letter I had written to myself a few months ago…mid May to be exact.  I wrote it shortly after I returned from my trip to Vancouver when I was feeling particularly hopeful that life was going to be ok.  When my therapist first told me to take on this “project for self-healing” I was a little wary.  But I am glad I did it.  I think everyone should write a letter to themselves once in a while. It’s healing and freeing and enlightening. 

It’s been three months since I first wrote that letter to myself. It’s no wonder that the things I wrote about then are the still the same lessons that I struggle with now. I really do need to look at it with some perspective as it has only been a short time since I managed to find the words.  I didn’t intend to read it again until next year.  I certainly didn’t intend it to be a post for my blog.  However, since I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I stumbled upon this letter today, I have decided to share it with you. 

In fact, after having quite the pity party for myself this weekend, I know for certain that I stumbled upon this letter for a reason.

Dear future me,

I am writing this letter to you as you approach the one year mark in your new life.  When you read this letter next year, and the year after and the year after that, you will see just how far you have come.  Clarity takes time.  Since I know you better than anyone, I think I am fully qualified to write such a letter.

This letter will likely be painful for you to read — perhaps even more painful than it has been for me to write. It may bring back sad memories; it may make you wonder how this whole thing is going to turn out.  What you must know right now is that nobody wants you to succeed more than I do. 

I hope that you'll remember that you wanted to learn as much as you could from this experience to avoid making future mistakes and that in the end, you wrote this letter to remind yourself of all you do have.

Think back to those first hours, days, weeks, months. The pain, the heartache, the loneliness, the turmoil, the fear, the hopelessness, the lack of confidence, the feeling that you would be alone FOREVER.  Do you still feel those things now? Has the pain dulled a little?  Have you stopped crying at the drop of a hat?   When you read this letter a year from now, you will have time and healing on your side. You will wonder how you ever made it through.  Let me remind you.

Remember when your best friend took you and your kids into her home for the weekend, gave you a foot rub and let you cry while he moved his things out of the house.  Remember that is was this same friend who was there for you when you returned to a half empty house.  Remember the friend who waited on you hand and foot for an entire weekend because you just couldn’t fake a smile anymore.  Remember the other best friend who still takes you home after a hard day and makes dinner for you and your kids.  She is the one who ran down to your house at 10pm in her pajamas to comfort you when he told you about his 27yr old “girlfriend”.  You cried and she listened.  Remember the Christmas elves who surprised you by coming to the door with gifts for you and the kids because they knew you needed to feel love at that moment.  Remember the friends who picked you up and listened to you cry by sharing their stories so you knew you weren’t alone.  Remember your family who has always stood by you.  Remember the messages and texts and phone calls from people who care about you.  Remember the people who cared for you in those first months by distracting you with scary movies and terrible coffee. Remember the connections and reconnections you have made, how these people have lifted your spirit in ways you didn’t think was possible.  Think about the amazing support of people you don’t even know who follow your story.  Don’t forget that you flew across the country to indulge in a much needed re-charging and laughed for 6 days straight.  Flying…that’s huge for you.  (You need to travel more by the way)  These are things that will sustain you, help you live the life you deserve.  Continue to be grateful and pass it forward.

There will be struggle; there will be moments of complete melt down.  It will not always be this way.   You will have many things happen to you that you would not have chosen, and that’s ok. You will see that your life will be so different than it is from today.  Embrace it…learn from it…feel it.  Remember that no matter how hard things get, it won’t last for long.  Life ebbs and flows, it’s ok to be afraid, to feel sad.  It’s also ok to let go of the fear and guilt and live the life that is waiting for you.  Living is much better when you actually do it.

I know you have had moments of self-doubt, loneliness. It’s ok to feel what you feel…just don’t dwell on it for too long.  You will still have these moments in the months to come, but they become less intense, less heartbreaking and more easily managed.  Among these moments is where you will find strength, inner peace and clarity.  You will realize the life you thought you wanted wasn’t what was meant for you.  You are capable of so much more.  I am proud of you for handing this with grace and courage and for being gentle with yourself through the process.  For listening to your heart and doing what you know is right.  It takes great courage to come as far as you have. 

Don’t lose yourself in the” what if’s”, the “should haves” or the” could haves”.  Embrace the why not, the possibilities, the adventures.  Sure it’s scary, but you’re not going to get anywhere standing still.

Embrace the craziness of life with the kids.  They won’t remember the “stuff” but they will remember the time you spent with them.  Know that all the open dialogue, tears, hugs and kisses, showing of emotion, extra snuggles and midnight star gazing have made a difference in their lives.  You did that…you make life amazing for them.

Know that you will meet someone sweet and kind, who will move your very soul and embrace your weirdness. You will meet someone who understands you and who will support you.  You will find love and it will be more than you ever dreamed.  He will show you beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worthy of a happy ending.   He will be your best friend.  You will know what it feels like to be cared for and cared about.  He will love you for you.  Don't take him for granted, I promise you there is nothing better out there. And he is out there…it will happen when the time is right.

Stop worrying about what other people think.  Everyone will have an opinion of your life and what has happened.  The gossip, the constant defending of yourself, the lies, the half-truths…they don’t matter in the end.  What matters most is that you can walk away from all this with your head held high, with dignity and integrity intact.  You are not your past.

Some bridges are better burned.  You will see this is true.  Maybe not today, but you will.

Stop feeling guilty and stop playing the victim.  Yes, what has happened is horrible.  Its heart wrenching and sad and terrible.  Your “damaged” heart will heal.  You will live an amazing life.  But only if you stop this self-defeating guilt trip you lay on yourself.  You are not the first single mother and you won’t be the last.  So knock it off. 

Don’t worry so much about not having the life you thought you should have.  Don’t resent the people who have what you think you want and don’t let hatred poison your kind heart.   Karma will take care of all that.

People will treat you the way you let them treat you.  You know this.  Yet you continue to be a door mat.  Stop it.  As harsh as it sounds, get a backbone.  Sometimes you have to say no…and mean it.

Stop always doing the right thing, the safe thing.  Live with an open heart.  It’s risky, but the choice will reward you tenfold when the timing is right.  Step out of your comfort zone.  Do all the things you want to do.

Keep laughing.  Do it a lot.  It will save you from insanity.

Forgiveness is hard and it will come.  Living with regret and hurt is even harder.  Give yourself a break and let it be what it is for now.

Stop trying to control everything.  Haven’t you learned yet that you cannot do this?  There are some things you just cannot change…so stop trying to change them.  Instead, change the way you handle these annoyances.  Because in the grand scheme of things, that’s what they are, annoyances.

Have you even forgiven yourself yet?  No one is perfect.  And knowing how hard you can be on yourself, I ask that you forgive yourself first.  This was not your fault, in spite of what gossip network has to say.  You did not make him leave.  You did not make him choose a different path.  You did not prevent him from being happy.  He chose those things.  You enabled him.  We all make mistakes.  We all wish for a do-over at some point in our lives.  What has happened to you and your marriage does not define you.  It does not predict your future.  It will make you stronger and allow you to live a more peaceful life.  I know this one will be hard for you.  Just trust me on this one.

The loneliness and fear will subside.  There will come a time when you are comfortable with yourself and your path.  Don’t force it.  Strength will come in many forms and day by day you will find yourself stronger. Be patient, which I know is not your strong suit.  Know that the universe had a plan for you then and has huge plans for your future.  These events will lead you to a beautiful life full of peace and joy and love.  These events are aligned for you.  Just believe.

There are people who will shake your soul to the core and there are people who will steady it.  Spend more time with the people who steady it.

You are beautiful.  Even when you have spent the weekend alone, in your pajamas, crying your eyes out.

While we are on the subject of crying…I know you are a sensitive soul.  You put on a brave front, but deep down you are needy and emotional and scared of being left behind.  Enough of that.  Keep your sensitive side, it’s who you are.  Allow yourself to realize you don’t always have to be strong.  It’s ok to need help.  It’s ok to say I am tired.  It’s ok to say “no, I am not ok”. 

Think back to all you have accomplished…things you thought you would or could never do alone.  You took a huge risk writing your blog and publishing it for the world to read,  you took ballroom dancing lessons alone, you went to the movies by yourself, you conquered  the world of water softener salt, you finally managed your finances and know that “enough” is a state of mind, you took apart a sink drain and successfully put it back together, you are raising two amazing kids who are two of the kindest souls around, you manage your home maintenance, you work outside the home at a job that sometimes takes all you have, you run your own business , you scrape dead frozen mice off the walkway without too much girly screaming, you dug out your wedding box and dress, remembered the happiness and avoided burning it all.  You built a death star on Christmas morning without any tears.  Don’t forget you get out of bed every morning with an open heart.  That takes courage. 

Be proud…you did these things on your own. 

Re-examine who you think you should be and just be who you are, no apologies, and no excuses.  You are powerful, more powerful than you will admit. You have the power to change things.  Anything.  Everything.  I am proud of you for standing up for what you know is right…even when people told you that you were to blame.  You took the high road, continue on that road.  You may want revenge; you may want him to hurt as much as you have.  Don’t go there. 

Do you remember when you thought that you would never be whole again?  Do you remember when you could not see the light?  Do you remember when you thought that nothing would ever be the same?  News flash… things are not the same and you will be grateful for that.   You will see that for the amazing gift it is.  Know that your light is shining brighter every day.  Sometimes you let “stuff” cloud your vision, (there’s the control freak coming out again) but trust me, the light is there, strong and ready to take on the world.  Leave the “stuff” behind.  You will figure out a way how to do this.  You have come so far from those first months of heartache. You are amazing.  Keep going, keep moving forward even when you want to give up.

Breathe.

Be grateful.

Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve.  It’s a good look for you.

With all my love,

Me