Dear Future Me

I had a lot of ideas floating around in my head for a post this week.  None of them felt just right.  I either couldn’t find the words, wrote and rewrote or just didn’t think it was “time” to write about the particular thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head.  I had three posts written this weekend and saved them for another time.  They just didn’t feel right.

As I sat here tonight and pondered what I would write about, I scrolled through my documents hoping that I had by chance written something super amazing previously and saved it for a rainy day.  All I could find was a letter I had written to myself a few months ago…mid May to be exact.  I wrote it shortly after I returned from my trip to Vancouver when I was feeling particularly hopeful that life was going to be ok.  When my therapist first told me to take on this “project for self-healing” I was a little wary.  But I am glad I did it.  I think everyone should write a letter to themselves once in a while. It’s healing and freeing and enlightening. 

It’s been three months since I first wrote that letter to myself. It’s no wonder that the things I wrote about then are the still the same lessons that I struggle with now. I really do need to look at it with some perspective as it has only been a short time since I managed to find the words.  I didn’t intend to read it again until next year.  I certainly didn’t intend it to be a post for my blog.  However, since I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I stumbled upon this letter today, I have decided to share it with you. 

In fact, after having quite the pity party for myself this weekend, I know for certain that I stumbled upon this letter for a reason.

Dear future me,

I am writing this letter to you as you approach the one year mark in your new life.  When you read this letter next year, and the year after and the year after that, you will see just how far you have come.  Clarity takes time.  Since I know you better than anyone, I think I am fully qualified to write such a letter.

This letter will likely be painful for you to read — perhaps even more painful than it has been for me to write. It may bring back sad memories; it may make you wonder how this whole thing is going to turn out.  What you must know right now is that nobody wants you to succeed more than I do. 

I hope that you'll remember that you wanted to learn as much as you could from this experience to avoid making future mistakes and that in the end, you wrote this letter to remind yourself of all you do have.

Think back to those first hours, days, weeks, months. The pain, the heartache, the loneliness, the turmoil, the fear, the hopelessness, the lack of confidence, the feeling that you would be alone FOREVER.  Do you still feel those things now? Has the pain dulled a little?  Have you stopped crying at the drop of a hat?   When you read this letter a year from now, you will have time and healing on your side. You will wonder how you ever made it through.  Let me remind you.

Remember when your best friend took you and your kids into her home for the weekend, gave you a foot rub and let you cry while he moved his things out of the house.  Remember that is was this same friend who was there for you when you returned to a half empty house.  Remember the friend who waited on you hand and foot for an entire weekend because you just couldn’t fake a smile anymore.  Remember the other best friend who still takes you home after a hard day and makes dinner for you and your kids.  She is the one who ran down to your house at 10pm in her pajamas to comfort you when he told you about his 27yr old “girlfriend”.  You cried and she listened.  Remember the Christmas elves who surprised you by coming to the door with gifts for you and the kids because they knew you needed to feel love at that moment.  Remember the friends who picked you up and listened to you cry by sharing their stories so you knew you weren’t alone.  Remember your family who has always stood by you.  Remember the messages and texts and phone calls from people who care about you.  Remember the people who cared for you in those first months by distracting you with scary movies and terrible coffee. Remember the connections and reconnections you have made, how these people have lifted your spirit in ways you didn’t think was possible.  Think about the amazing support of people you don’t even know who follow your story.  Don’t forget that you flew across the country to indulge in a much needed re-charging and laughed for 6 days straight.  Flying…that’s huge for you.  (You need to travel more by the way)  These are things that will sustain you, help you live the life you deserve.  Continue to be grateful and pass it forward.

There will be struggle; there will be moments of complete melt down.  It will not always be this way.   You will have many things happen to you that you would not have chosen, and that’s ok. You will see that your life will be so different than it is from today.  Embrace it…learn from it…feel it.  Remember that no matter how hard things get, it won’t last for long.  Life ebbs and flows, it’s ok to be afraid, to feel sad.  It’s also ok to let go of the fear and guilt and live the life that is waiting for you.  Living is much better when you actually do it.

I know you have had moments of self-doubt, loneliness. It’s ok to feel what you feel…just don’t dwell on it for too long.  You will still have these moments in the months to come, but they become less intense, less heartbreaking and more easily managed.  Among these moments is where you will find strength, inner peace and clarity.  You will realize the life you thought you wanted wasn’t what was meant for you.  You are capable of so much more.  I am proud of you for handing this with grace and courage and for being gentle with yourself through the process.  For listening to your heart and doing what you know is right.  It takes great courage to come as far as you have. 

Don’t lose yourself in the” what if’s”, the “should haves” or the” could haves”.  Embrace the why not, the possibilities, the adventures.  Sure it’s scary, but you’re not going to get anywhere standing still.

Embrace the craziness of life with the kids.  They won’t remember the “stuff” but they will remember the time you spent with them.  Know that all the open dialogue, tears, hugs and kisses, showing of emotion, extra snuggles and midnight star gazing have made a difference in their lives.  You did that…you make life amazing for them.

Know that you will meet someone sweet and kind, who will move your very soul and embrace your weirdness. You will meet someone who understands you and who will support you.  You will find love and it will be more than you ever dreamed.  He will show you beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worthy of a happy ending.   He will be your best friend.  You will know what it feels like to be cared for and cared about.  He will love you for you.  Don't take him for granted, I promise you there is nothing better out there. And he is out there…it will happen when the time is right.

Stop worrying about what other people think.  Everyone will have an opinion of your life and what has happened.  The gossip, the constant defending of yourself, the lies, the half-truths…they don’t matter in the end.  What matters most is that you can walk away from all this with your head held high, with dignity and integrity intact.  You are not your past.

Some bridges are better burned.  You will see this is true.  Maybe not today, but you will.

Stop feeling guilty and stop playing the victim.  Yes, what has happened is horrible.  Its heart wrenching and sad and terrible.  Your “damaged” heart will heal.  You will live an amazing life.  But only if you stop this self-defeating guilt trip you lay on yourself.  You are not the first single mother and you won’t be the last.  So knock it off. 

Don’t worry so much about not having the life you thought you should have.  Don’t resent the people who have what you think you want and don’t let hatred poison your kind heart.   Karma will take care of all that.

People will treat you the way you let them treat you.  You know this.  Yet you continue to be a door mat.  Stop it.  As harsh as it sounds, get a backbone.  Sometimes you have to say no…and mean it.

Stop always doing the right thing, the safe thing.  Live with an open heart.  It’s risky, but the choice will reward you tenfold when the timing is right.  Step out of your comfort zone.  Do all the things you want to do.

Keep laughing.  Do it a lot.  It will save you from insanity.

Forgiveness is hard and it will come.  Living with regret and hurt is even harder.  Give yourself a break and let it be what it is for now.

Stop trying to control everything.  Haven’t you learned yet that you cannot do this?  There are some things you just cannot change…so stop trying to change them.  Instead, change the way you handle these annoyances.  Because in the grand scheme of things, that’s what they are, annoyances.

Have you even forgiven yourself yet?  No one is perfect.  And knowing how hard you can be on yourself, I ask that you forgive yourself first.  This was not your fault, in spite of what gossip network has to say.  You did not make him leave.  You did not make him choose a different path.  You did not prevent him from being happy.  He chose those things.  You enabled him.  We all make mistakes.  We all wish for a do-over at some point in our lives.  What has happened to you and your marriage does not define you.  It does not predict your future.  It will make you stronger and allow you to live a more peaceful life.  I know this one will be hard for you.  Just trust me on this one.

The loneliness and fear will subside.  There will come a time when you are comfortable with yourself and your path.  Don’t force it.  Strength will come in many forms and day by day you will find yourself stronger. Be patient, which I know is not your strong suit.  Know that the universe had a plan for you then and has huge plans for your future.  These events will lead you to a beautiful life full of peace and joy and love.  These events are aligned for you.  Just believe.

There are people who will shake your soul to the core and there are people who will steady it.  Spend more time with the people who steady it.

You are beautiful.  Even when you have spent the weekend alone, in your pajamas, crying your eyes out.

While we are on the subject of crying…I know you are a sensitive soul.  You put on a brave front, but deep down you are needy and emotional and scared of being left behind.  Enough of that.  Keep your sensitive side, it’s who you are.  Allow yourself to realize you don’t always have to be strong.  It’s ok to need help.  It’s ok to say I am tired.  It’s ok to say “no, I am not ok”. 

Think back to all you have accomplished…things you thought you would or could never do alone.  You took a huge risk writing your blog and publishing it for the world to read,  you took ballroom dancing lessons alone, you went to the movies by yourself, you conquered  the world of water softener salt, you finally managed your finances and know that “enough” is a state of mind, you took apart a sink drain and successfully put it back together, you are raising two amazing kids who are two of the kindest souls around, you manage your home maintenance, you work outside the home at a job that sometimes takes all you have, you run your own business , you scrape dead frozen mice off the walkway without too much girly screaming, you dug out your wedding box and dress, remembered the happiness and avoided burning it all.  You built a death star on Christmas morning without any tears.  Don’t forget you get out of bed every morning with an open heart.  That takes courage. 

Be proud…you did these things on your own. 

Re-examine who you think you should be and just be who you are, no apologies, and no excuses.  You are powerful, more powerful than you will admit. You have the power to change things.  Anything.  Everything.  I am proud of you for standing up for what you know is right…even when people told you that you were to blame.  You took the high road, continue on that road.  You may want revenge; you may want him to hurt as much as you have.  Don’t go there. 

Do you remember when you thought that you would never be whole again?  Do you remember when you could not see the light?  Do you remember when you thought that nothing would ever be the same?  News flash… things are not the same and you will be grateful for that.   You will see that for the amazing gift it is.  Know that your light is shining brighter every day.  Sometimes you let “stuff” cloud your vision, (there’s the control freak coming out again) but trust me, the light is there, strong and ready to take on the world.  Leave the “stuff” behind.  You will figure out a way how to do this.  You have come so far from those first months of heartache. You are amazing.  Keep going, keep moving forward even when you want to give up.

Breathe.

Be grateful.

Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve.  It’s a good look for you.

With all my love,

Me