It's all in the details

This morning I woke up with a bit of a heavy heart.

Today is my son`s birthday and this weekend the kids are not here with me, but with their dad.

If my son were here, I would be sneaking into his room this morning to watch him sleep, just like I have for the past seven years.  I would be kissing his little face good morning and whispering Happy Birthday to him.  And right about now I would be snuggling in beside his warm little body to tell him again, about the day he was born.  In about an hour, we would be having our annual birthday breakfast complete with cupcakes.  However, not this morning, because he isn`t here. 

Sure I could do all those things tomorrow morning, but tomorrow is not his birthday.

Most of the time I embrace my aloneness when the kids are with their dad, but on days like today…I just want them here with me.  Selfish I know.  They deserve time with their dad.  He deserves time with them.  My head tells me this, but my heart still aches for them.

These are the details you miss when you are separated or divorced.  These are the moments and traditions that only you can understand because they are your private details of your life.  Significant moments, everyday moments and everything in between, suddenly seem magnified and painful.

Missed bedtime stories, lost traditions, packing and unpacking weekend bags, pick up times, a birthday phone call instead of a morning snuggle, behaviour issues, who gets how much time for Christmas,  a quiet house that suddenly feels big and lonely, co-parenting and decisions whether the kids reside equally in two homes or one…these are now my details.   I can`t change it, I can`t fight it and sometimes I feel helpless.  And from somewhere, deep down, I emerge from it all, accept it and carry on.   I am bigger than these obstacles I face.

In the midst of all things I cannot change, I know there are things I can.  I give myself permission to start new traditions, I can keep old ones that still work and that feel good.   I can choose to replay the past and try and get a new result (and go crazy in the process) or I can run fast and free into what is waiting to be discovered.  The kids and I have a favourite movie where advice is given from a crazy fish and she says ``Just keep swimming``.  I remind myself of that quite often.  It`s a very simple statement with a lot of power behind it. 

This fall we will still pick our apples and drive away with the quirkiest pumpkins we can find.  Although we may have to find a new patch to accomplish this as last year we went to the spot we have always gone to as a "traditional" family.  Let`s just say it ended in tears, an upset apple wagon and a cornstalk in my eye.  Don`t ask.

Our first Christmas as a ``new family`, as my kids would say, has come and gone.  There will still be reindeer food made, Winter solstice celebrated, and favourite Christmas movies watched.  I will still sit on the floor and try my best to put a deathstar together without crying or throwing it across the room.  Maybe we will celebrate a different culture every year.  Perhaps we hitch a ride on Santa's sleigh and take a mini vacation.  Who knows?  What I do know is that there will be new traditions to look forward to and the passing forward of all the kindness that was shown to us last year.

Birthdays, holidays, celebrations…they will still hold value for us. We will create new memories, celebrate new ways of thinking and know that no matter what we choose to do, we have each other.  We will still make birthdays a huge deal,  we will entertain our stuffed animals at tea parties for no good reason and wear crazy rabbit glasses at Easter.

The everyday moments are going to happen…everyday.  I can choose to look at them with regret and sadness or I can choose to actually live each moment and create something new from them.  We will continue to have after dinner dance off's in the kitchen, we will continue to talk about the best part of our day at the dinner table.  We will keep using fancy dishes for every Sunday dinner and we will use the margarita glasses to drink milk from on taco night.  We will choose to let go of the things that no longer serve us or make us happy.  It's actually much easier than I thought.

Today is the day I stop using my favourite quote ``Stop looking back, your future isn`t there``   I realized this quote isn't actually helping me move forward because it keeps reminding me that I am looking back. It keeps me in the past. 

So, I am replacing it with:

``You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”  Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go