To be or not to be…what the hell…let’s do this.

I very rarely do anything by myself.  I am a social person and like to be around my friends.  Let’s just clear that up right now.   

I have never really been alone or done anything alone.  All the moms out there know that even bathroom time alone is a myth.  For the past 20 years, I have always had one or both kids to look after, or the company of the ex…now known as Claudius. (We are going with the Shakespeare theme…Claudius was the mastermind behind his family’s devastation in Hamlet.  Just go with me here people.) 

Anyway…I am going to the movies alone.  Now what?  I know I am great date…funny, witty, easy to get along with, I have a wallet full of cash and I certainly won’t expect anything when the evening is over.  I am great company!  This should be easy.

I chose to drive out of town to a larger movie theatre as opposed to staying in town for two reasons.  Reason number one…I was sincerely hoping I didn’t see anyone I knew and was purposely avoiding people and reason two was because the movie I wanted to see wasn’t being shown in our pitiful town theatre.

On the drive there, I considered turning around approximately 8-10 times.  At every exit, I thought…maybe I will take a detour and do some shopping.  Maybe I could just go home and tell everyone I went.  What was I thinking???  I could be at home in my cave (aka the rec room) in my pajamas in the dark, safe from the knowing stares that scream “Poor girl…she’s just been dumped.”

Couple my insane train of thought with the fact that EVERY radio station I tuned into was playing some sort of song about love, love lost or being alone, I really started to get bummed out.  Can every station in a 40km radius be playing Bon Jovi "Shot through the heart?"  Seriously.  I held on to hope there was something upbeat in the CD player.  Of course there wasn't…it was my newest obsession Adele.  Have you heard her “21” album?  Now I will usually crank her right up and belt out a version of “Someone Like You” like I am auditioning for American Idol but I just wasn't feeling it.  Did I leave my Italian immersion CD in the car?  Nope.  All I came up with was “Magic Treehouse” audio book, “Dingos at Dawn.”  I mean seriously…the universe was f’ing with me the whole way.  I listened to “Dingos at Dawn” by the way because Jack and Annie's adventure into the outback was much more fascinating than my inner voice telling me to turn the hell around and go home.

Finally I arrived and as I sat in the parking lot of the theatre, I shuddered at the thought of walking in and buying one ticket.  This is insane…people do this all the time right?  I could make a run for it and head over to the Chapter's across the parking lot.  Grab a Starbucks, a good book and stay until closing time.

I gather my courage, go inside, purchase my ticket (thank goodness for automated ticket machines) and not making any eye contact, I head straight for the concession booth.  If I stuff enough popcorn and pop on top of the pit of my anxiety in my stomach, everything should turn out just fine.

Just a side note…the popcorn was almost as much as my admission, but throwing caution to the wind, I got the extra butter.  I don’t cheap out, especially on the first date. 

I walk, head high, right into cinema “7” and prepare for the stares of the coupled people already seated. Taking a deep breath, I turn the corner and prepare for the worst.

Clutching my popcorn like a greasy security blanket, I looked around in disbelief. Only 6 other people in the whole place, all over the age of 50 might I add.  Great…I am alone at the theatre AND I picked a crappy movie no one wants to see.

I proceed to look for a seat in the corner where I will go relatively unnoticed and then I stopped.  Impulsively, I decided to take the top row and sit smack dab in the middle!  That way everyone who comes in will have a perfect view of the confident, single woman who took herself out on a date.  Sometimes I even amaze myself.  Ok...I also forgot my glasses and need to sit in the middle, but that is neither here nor there.

Texting a couple of friends for some last minute moral support, I got comfortable with my popcorn and prepared to enjoy the next two hours.

There I sat, riveted by the movie “Anonymous”.  I didn’t notice the time, not even once, I didn’t wonder “when will this be over” and I certainly wasn’t aware that I was alone.  Weird.  This wasn't so bad.  

Leaving the theatre, I still felt slightly conscious of the fact that I was by myself, but held my head a little higher then when I went in. 

Now…the ugly truth.  There are two sides to every story right?  I am not going to hide anything in these blogs, good, bad or indifferent, so here it is.

I cried as soon as I got onto the highway.  I cried on the way home for lots of different reasons.  I cried because I purchased, out of habit, a medium popcorn…Cladius and I would always share, and I had to throw ¾ of it away.  (Not sure if was because of the lack of sharing or the cost of the extra butter that had me upset)  I cried because I was really excited about the movie and had no one to share my enthusiasm with on the drive home.  I cried because I would be coming home to an empty house.  I cried because I did something so out of character.  It brought to the surface something in myself that had been missing for quite some time.  I cried because I like to cry.  It’s as simple and as complicated as that. 

Emotional set back aside...I rediscovered my love of Shakespeare, theatre and conspiracy theories.  I sat, immersed in a movie that required thought and attention and loved it.  I felt my brain coming alive.  I have compromised a lot of things the past 20 years, so it felt great to feel a past passion spark itself inside me again.  


Will I take myself to the movies again?  Absolutely!

Malvolio:
"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and
some have greatness thrust upon 'em."  Twelfth Night