I have found true love.

The trouble with words is that once they are spoken, they cannot be erased.  No take backs, no apologies that will ease the sting or remove them from memory.

Words, statements, spiteful comments made to hurt me, do hurt and if I let them, bring tears to my eyes.  As quickly as the hurt feelings come, I force them back down just as quickly to deal with in my own time.  And I do deal with it and trust me, healing takes time.

Inspite of my strong façade, the things that have been said to me, will always stay with me.  Doubt, fear and a trusting heart are my weaknesses.

After the upheaval of last week, feeling pulled in a thousand directions, I made it my mantra to make this week better.  Pushing all negativity out and plowing forward like I always do, I was overtaken by a force so powerful, it left me speechless.

I have always known this force was there.  Quietly keeping watch over me, waiting for the moment I needed it the most.  Little did I realize that tonight would be the night I needed it.

I try my best to be a positive light in the darkness for my children and let’s face it for myself.   I keep a positive image of their dad ever present.  I am optimistic that all will be well, that I will not fall into the deep pit of despair that threatens to overtake me sometimes.  But at the edge of the optimism, lies a bitterness and anger, just waiting for permission to become unhinged.  I don’t allow it often, but when I do, it isn’t pretty.  It is however, healthy.  I don’t dwell on the negative, nor do I ignore it.  I just deal with it.

Alas, one comment put me over the edge and today I just couldn’t keep the walls from tumbling. 

After checking on the kids to make sure they were covered, sound asleep and kissed one more time, I walked into my bedroom with the feeling of total devastation.  Yes, one comment, undid all the positive work I had done over the past week.

I found myself sitting on my bedroom floor, back against the wall (literally and figuratively), where I put my head in my hands and let go. 

Full out, heartwrenching sobs came pouring out, cleansing my mind and spirit.  The kind of emotion that leaves you raw, vulnerable, a little afraid and with an empty heart.  I cried for the loss of the dreams I had for my family.  I cried for my children who will come through this ok, but don’t deserve this.  I cried for the loss of the man I once loved with my whole heart for my whole life.  I cried from the sheer pain of a broken heart.

Allowing myself to feel the complete devastation of the loss of all these things (because it is healthy to feel), I suddenly felt a presence standing in front of me.

I looked up through my swollen eyes and tears and came face to face with my children.

They stood there, infront of their ever positive, strong, optimistic mother, who was currently in a heap on her bedroom floor, weeping.

Looking at me, not with fear, pity or surprise, but something else.

One with a box of tissues, the other with a glass of water.

They didn’t say a word.  These two amazing little souls, silently wiped my tears and rubbed my back until the sobbing subsided.

After a few minutes, the silence was broken by the soft voice of my 10 yr. old daughter.  “Someday mommy, he will realize what a beautiful spirit you are, and it will be too late for him.”

My 7 yr. old son took my face in his little hands and whispered, “Mommy, your heart is just too good.”

In stunned silence, I gathered them into my arms and held them for a very long time. 

No words needed to be said, nothing to be erased.

No pretences, no conditions, no boundries, no shame.

Just pure, almost painful, love.

Listen Bitch...Don't rain on my parade.

The kids were with their dad for an impromptu dinner, which gave me two hours to myself.  Usually I would stay at home and creep people on Facebook, but not this time.  Tonight, I am going to do something FUN!

What to do on a Sunday night at 5pm…hmmmm.

Hold on to your hats people…this is exciting!  I wandered up and down the aisles at the grocery store.  I stared at the salad dressings, I meditated over marinades, I marveled at the mushrooms, I made eye contact and smiled at the cute man (without a wedding ring and who smiled back) in the tomato section…ahhhh…whoa..wait, where was I?

I even went as far as stopping at the ice cream freezers to see what was actually in there.  When the kids are with me, I yell at them to look away as we run by.  The evening was perfectly blissful, quiet, almost meditative. 

I didn’t really need anything at all, but managed to put a few things in my cart so I didn’t look like a sad, lonely woman with nothing better to do than browse the grocery store.

Now…those of you who have ever toted along children to the grocery store know the bliss of shopping alone.  It is a whole new world. 

For those of you without kids…you know how annoying it is when you hear/see other people’s kids screaming, crying, running, pushing, fighting…imagine they were yours…all the time! 

Anyway…back to the alone time.

Then, it hit me…well a lady letting her kid push her cart did, but after that…I was going to buy myself some flowers!  Why shouldn’t I?  I deserve them after the week I had last week.  I headed over to the floral section and right away came upon hundreds of pointsettas.  Not really what I had in mind when I thought about treating myself to flowers.  Determined not to come home with a pointsetta, I came across the market bunch displays.

Looking at the bunches, I picked out the best I could find…$5.99/bunch or 3 for $15.  What heck…I threw caution to the wind and bought myself 3 bunches! 

Laying them gently in the cart, I headed to the check out.  I almost pranced down the aisle.  Feeling pretty good about the evening and how I handled the disaster that was the entire last week, I felt great.  And what luck.  I found a checkout with no one in line! I put my few random items on the belt and displayed my beautiful flowers for all to see.

Then…my glorious evening of quiet and peacefulness was rudely interrupted.  The cashier asked me if I needed a floral bag for the flowers, to which I replied “no, they’re just for me.”

And then, get this, the bitch behind me in line pipes up and says to herself, but loud enough for me and the cashier to hear, in an almost pitying tone, “buying flowers for yourself…that’s so sad.” 

Well now, for those of you who know me well…

The new and improved Carri might have turned a blind eye, or ear, in this case.  Let the universe handle my problems, blah, blah, blah.  The old Carri probably would have knocked her out cold with the large can of vegetable soup I had just purchased and told her to mind her business.

Instead, I turned to her, looked her right in the eye (something I am not comfortable with) and said, “Pardon me, do you have something to say?”

She stammered and said she was just making an observation.

I proceeded to man handle her grocery items that were on the belt behind mine.  Announcing to whoever was listening, I rhymed off the items she was going to purchase:  6 frozen dinners, 2 apples, a small package of lunch meat, a small carton of milk and 3 bagels.

I proceeded to laugh, I mean really laugh.  I think it was a defence mechanism, because I what I really wanted to do was just punch her in the face and run out of the store. Tears rolling down my face, I said, “Being a resident of singletown made you a bit bitter has it?  Do yourself a favour and keep your opinions to yourself."

I turned on my heel, pointed my flowers at her and said, "You will not rain on my parade."    

You can find peace anywhere…even at the checkout.

I am dedicating this post to all the single parents out there…this shit is hard.

Today was the day from hell…seriously.  Normally my blog posts are funny, upbeat, a little crazy but always honest.  Today is all about honesty.

Anything that could go wrong did…we slept in and barely made the school bus, the kids were at eachother’s throats, a winter coat zipper broke, a lunchbag came home with a half eaten applesauce covering everything, anything I touched turned into a shitstorm, work was crazy busy, I found a frozen mouse on the front walk that I had to scrape up and dispose of myself (stupid neighbour cat), the very tallest bulb at the top of the stairs blew, I learned very quickly how to fix a bathroom faucet and I developed a headache that felt like it would blow my head clear off my neck.

I am not perfect…and have never claimed to be, and yes, I have unfairly judged some people, so let me just say this… single parents deserve some credit.  Show them some love.  

As a single parent you do it all…manage money, pay the bills, attempt home maintenance, tucking in, chiseling dead frozen mice off the front walkway, reading stories, doing homework, after school activities, day to day chores, breakfast, lunches, dinners, keeping the positive in everything you do.  Finances overwhelm you.  You have to put a roof over your children's heads and food on the table. You must deal with the tears, the fights and the hard questions that come from the kids.  You are the one getting up in the night when your 7 yr old son wakes up from a nightmare that his family has been killed.  (I am not even going into the psychology of that one) You are the one trying to explain to your daughter that “no daddy isn’t a jerkface” when you firmly believe her statement is totally on the money.  You are the one constantly reminding the kids this isn’t their fault, and no they aren’t a burden.  Trying to balance “normal” life, discipline and understanding is a full time job in itself.  Don’t even get me started on how Christmas morning is going to feel. It’s emotionally draining because you face each crisis alone and you

know that you are the main person your children can depend on. I am damn tired. 

Generally, all the stresses that most families feel, you are just doing it on your own.  Let’s be honest…I did all these things before I was a single parent (most moms do), but at least when I had a partner, I had someone to talk to at the end of the day.  Someone to share my misery with and get some sympathy.  Someone to count on when the nightmares  keep us all cuddled in the same bed.  Someone to assure me that no, I wasn’t totally f’in the kids up.  Without a partner to share the load, parenting alone is scary. It can be overwhelming, lonely and damn hard. 

My whole attitude from the very beginning has been to take the high road, put out what I want to get back from the universe and keep my home a positive sanctuary for the kids.  

My outlook on life is to enjoy what I have today...be grateful for the things I have now. This is something that I am trying to teach my kids.  I think I have been doing a pretty good job.  Even though there are days like today…days when all I really want to do is cry, eat a bag of Oreos and wash them down with a bottle of wine, I force myself to look at the positive.  How do you cope in the chaos? 

First of all, I cope because my kids need me to.  I am the stability for them, I am the person they can look to for everything from scraped knees to wounded hearts.  They see me cry, I hold them while they cry, we share our feelings and then we look at all the amazing things we do have and we are grateful.  They keep me grounded and optimistic.  We have shown eachother what true love really is.  

I cope because I have the most glorious friends anyone could ever ask for.  They drop everything when I need them, they tell me what I need to hear (not what I want to hear), they pick me up when I feel like 

I might not ever get up again. They listen to me complain and share in my triumphs.  They make me dinner, listen to me when I need to vent and sit with me when I cry. They give me chocolate. They take my kids and I home after a day like today and make me crepes.

I also cope, because I refuse to wither away and let this chapter of my life destroy me. 

Wow…what a bummer of a post…sorry about that! 

Just had to get a few things off my chest and since this is my blog, I can do whatever I

want lol.  

Tomorrow is a new day.

The disturbing results of my online dating experiment!

Wow...what a weekend!  

Well…I hope you are all very happy!  You peer pressured me into an online dating profile.  I had a crazy amount of messages asking me to "give it a try."

Now let’s just clear this up…I am not ready for or looking for a long term relationship.  I am learning to enjoy life as I am with my kids.  That being said, I wouldn’t mind a night out either.

So, I took this challenge not only for myself (to prove you are all crazy), but for all my married and attached friends who see internet dating as this mystical, magical, meat market and their need to know all of it’s dirty little secrets.

I am not naming names, but there are more than a couple of people “fishing” who I know have a partner.  Yikes.  (I also just gave you a clue as to where I posted my profile lol)

Think of this as an experiment in human nature…a sociology study if you will.

I completed an online profile (yes with my real picture) and information.  No mom, I didn’t include my address or phone number.

The results are in (keep in mind, all this data is the result of the first 24 hours of being on the site)

Number of “views” (people viewing my profile in 24 hours): 106  Friday nights in singletown must be rockin’.

Number of direct messages sent to me: 82  Not all awesome by the way.

Number of requests for a “hook up” tonight: 6  ummm…no thanks.

Number of messages sent saying  “Hey I haven’t seen (insert Claudius’ name here) since we played (insert any sport here) Say hi to him for me! “:  7  Seriously…WTF -  7 people out there want me to say hello for them???  (For those of you who are new to the blog...please read previous posts to find out who Claudius is)

Number of requests to see photos of me wearing nothing but a smile: 2  No comment necessary.

Number of guys who wanted to know if I liked hunting:  1  If by hunting you mean shoe shopping, then yes, I love it.

Number of guys, who, by using the word “your” instead of “you’re” that I deleted:  3  I am sorry, I just can’t take that kind of carelessness or stupidity.

Number of married men that messaged me that I actually knew: 2  Sad but true.

Number of men that told me they had a “surprise” for me: 2  Like, surprise, hold this replica of you that I made with human hair while I strangle you with my belt.

Number of “dads” that I know (who are my own father’s age) viewing my profile: 2  I threw up in my mouth a little.

Number of guys who asked if I like having my hair pulled or if I would consider pulling their hair:  1 I don’t even know what to say...I mean, I guess I could.

Number of guys whose profile pictures are of them holding, drinking, or spilling some kind of alcohol…too many.

Number of guys who used the line “I’m new in town, do you think you could give me directions to your place?”  1  Funny, but kind of depressing.

Number of guys who didn’t give me a creepy vibe: 10/82  Those are some frightening odds aren’t they?

Maybe I am on the wrong site, maybe I am naïve and really have no idea what the real world is like and maybe, just maybe,  I have set myself up for disaster just to prove to my crazy friends that online dating is a nightmare and I am better off in my pajamas watching CSI marathons.

Will I keep the online dating profile?  Will I take up any offers of coffee, drinks, hair pulling etc…I guess you have to keep following my blog to find out.

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The List...

Alot of you out there are pretty sadistic...I have had numerous requests for my next "adventure" to be internet dating!

Whoa there people...I am just not sure.  I mean, I just got used to having a bed all to myself, my bathroom has been clean for almost 3 months and I am still a little crazy.  Ok...I always have been a little crazy, but a clean bathroom???  Come on!  That's quite the sacrifice.

This post is a long one...keep reading to find out why.

When I met my husband, I was 15 years old.  When we got married I was 21 years old.  What I thought I wanted then, is very different from what I want now obviously.  I am not even sure what I wanted then…like all girls, the fairy tale I suppose.  Damn you Disney for f’ing up all little girl’s realities.

I don’t regret any of the time we spent together, good or bad, because it has shaped me into the person I am now.  Who by the way, is much more fabulous than the 21 year old version.

When my best friend went through a break up, we compiled a list of what she wanted from her next relationship (who turned out to be her husband) It seems to have worked for her.  Although her list was MUCH shorter and less demanding.

I went ahead and made my own list so I can clearly define who I want in my life and where I want my life to go.  I am a firm believer in what you put out into the universe, you get back…so I am putting it all out there.

Now, I realize my list is long and I am in no way putting unreasonable expectations on anyone that I wouldn’t put on myself.  So before you go shooting off any comments about me being picky, just don’t.

The reason for the long list of “wills” is because I can.  Most of it is about common courtesy, which isn’t so common anymore and respect.  Some of the list is negotiable, some of it is not…I will leave the deciphering of that part up to you, my loyal reader.

The Requirements…

1. …will be faithful.


2. …will attempt a healthy relationship with my children when the time is right.


3. …won’t put others down to make himself feel better.


4. …will be respectful.


5. …will have a job.


6. …will know that smoking and doing drugs are not negotiable for me.

7. …will talk when the need arises versus trying to put it off until later.


8. …will never sport a mullet, mud flap or Arkansas waterfall…Ever.  If you aren’t sure what those are…google it.  You will totally justify that one.

9. …will accept my poor tv choices and share the remote once in a while.


10. …will love my best friend or at least tolerate her lol.


11. …will have interests of his own.

12. …will call for no reason.


13. …will never wear high tops with the laces undone

14. …will be emotionally mature and available.


15. …will not wear a cell phone holster.


16. …will know how to manage his money.


17. …will have good hygiene.


18. …will ask me how I’m doing and how my day was and actually care.


19. …will be content sometimes to spend the whole day in bed watching movies and eating takeout.


20. …will compliment me every now and then, especially when I’ve made an effort to look nice, but even when I am grungy.

21. …will be respectful of my issues with alcohol.


22. …will have goals, dreams, and the drive to achieve them.


23. …will be able to kick ass at the game Taboo and show no mercy.


24. …will know how to do his own laundry.


25. …will be a gentleman and a badass.

26. …will pay attention to the world around him, not check his cell every 3 minutes.


27. …will comfort me and not try to “fix” my bad day.

28. …will be interested in culture, music, art, and/or travel.


29. …will be intelligent, able to discuss a variety of topics & has read at least 3 books since high school.


30. …will be affectionate and attentive and not afraid to show it.

31. …will tell the truth even if it isn’t what I want to hear.

32. …will be open-minded and non-judgmental of others.


33. …will put as much effort forth to find out about my day as I did about his.


34. …will accept my quirks.


35. …will enjoy spending time with my friends and their spouses and vice versa.


36. …will be crazy about me as much as I will be about him.


37. …will be my biggest cheerleader, even when I fall on my face.


38. …will be honest.


39. …will let me make mistakes.


40. …will hold my hand…yes, even in public.

41. …will be able to handle my sarcastic, smart ass mouth.

42. …will be free of a criminal record.

43. …will appreciate my efforts to try new things.


44. …will talk to me when something bothers him.


45. …will love me for me — faults, imperfections and all — and love me all the more for them.


46. …will continually surprise me.


47. …will lovingly accept my neurosis.


48. …will have the ‘we’ team mentality.


49. …will stay by me, even when times get tough.


50. …will have a backbone in the relationship and not be afraid to tell me ‘no.’


51. …will be a great kisser.


52. …will have a great sense of humor, but know when to be serious.


53. …will be passionate about life, his work, me.


54. …will know who he is as a person and be honest about that.


55. …will think I’m HOT, not just cute.


56. …will treat me as well as my friends do.


57. …will be able to laugh at himself.


58. …will have a regular sized temper than does not super-size itself randomly.


59. …will kiss me passionately every once and a while.


60. …will give me space.


61. …will be free of his past and his relationship with his ex.


62. …will laugh, alot.


63. …will be able to think more than two days into the future.


64. …will stay up late with me just to snuggle.


65. …will be romantic – not all the time, but at least make the effort.

66. …will want a family.


67. …will know what a commitment is and follow up that knowledge with actions that support it.


68. …will understand that relationships aren’t all perfect, and that sometimes fighting can resolve difficult issues.


69. …will like going out on a week night sometimes, rather than just watching TV.


70. …will be responsible with money.


71. …will get more satisfaction than dissatisfaction from his job.


72. …will appreciate that my children are my number one priority.


73. …will have manners.


74. …will love me even at my very worst.


75. …will be confident in himself, but not egotistical.


76. …will not have an extensive porn collection.


77. …will trust me.


78. …will be trustworthy.

79. …will go on roadtrips to nowhere in particular.


80. …will take out the trash and happily do the dishes.


81. …will take things in stride.


82. …will know enough to leave a conversation when we disagree and accept our different opinions.


83. …will still show love even when things don’t go his way.


84. …will say he’s open minded and actually mean it


85. …won’t judge me by my past.


86. …will not remind me of how hot girls are that are the complete opposite of me.


87. …will like to cook or at least appreciate that I do.


88. …will have left his high school glory days behind him.


89. …will appreciate my efforts.

90. …will love that I have such a big heart that is easily hurt.


91. …will be smart but not snide.


92. …will know that opposite sex friends who are more than just friends are not ok.

93. …will love that I’m independent.


94. …will be okay with public displays of affection.


95. …will be ok with the fact that I hog the bed.


96. …will never ever wear a speedo.

97. …will make me a priority.

98. …will move furniture around when I ask and then move it back when I change my mind.


99. …will focus on being a good person rather than working out.


100. …will always stand up for me if someone attacks me, verbally or otherwise, and ask questions later.

Now…that’s not too much to ask for is it???

I am willing to do all these so why shouldn’t I expect the same from a partner?

Ok universe, do your thing J

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Another day, another post

Ciao il mio nome è Carri….how’s that for Italian immersion?  Pretty good si?

Once I realized (after approximately 15 minutes) that the CD set I borrowed from the public library was advanced Italian immersion I quickly stopped feeling totally stupid and traded it in for the basic beginner Italian.  As you can see, this is definitely going to be a process. 

But, alas, this post is not about the Italian language lessons.  I will keep you posted on that subject as it unfolds.  I know you’re on the edge of your seat. 

In my quest to find things to challenge myself with, I have turned to friends, family, and the internet for ideas.

I came to realize that my daily groupon email might just be the ticket.  What is Groupon you ask?

Groupon is a website that advertises discounts with popular businesses. I get a daily email with the most recent deals and one would assume that it could provide me with lots of opportunity to try new things.

Here is what Groupon has offered recently:

~Mattox Circus Company is offering a Flying Trapeze Class. 

~Spa in London is offering a brazillian wax complete with vajazzling!  Say what??? 

~Round One Boxing is offering adult boxing classes.

~Lots of travel opportunities.

On second thought, Groupon might not be the best place to get ideas…although the trapeze thing sounds like fun.  The vajazzling…not so much.  I mean, if you have no one to appreciate a good vajazzle, why spend the time and money?  I would think that you would save vajazzling for events like Christmas or St. Patrick's Day.  Yes, vajazzling  is exactly what you are thinking it is.  I am not making this up…go ahead and google it.

Here are some ideas that have been suggested that some well meaning people have offered:

Go on a wine tour, learn to change a tire, take a cooking class, splurge on a frivolous item, attend a wedding dateless, ride a rollercoaster (they terrify me), learn ballroom dancing, learn pole dancing, go out for dinner alone (not fast food), take the kids camping (I am so not outdoorsy), participate in a home reno class, go on a weekend road trip with no destination alone, learn a new language, start running again (if there were a bear chasing me maybe), post an online dating profile with real information and picture, go on a blind date.

Comments, suggestions and ideas are always welcome, may not necessarily be used, but welcome just the same.   I know I have some pretty sick and twisted friends out there who would love nothing more than to suggest I do something ludacris, like join a gym.

Just wanted to say thanks for all the love!  Keep reading and keep sharing the facebook page!

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To be or not to be…what the hell…let’s do this.

I very rarely do anything by myself.  I am a social person and like to be around my friends.  Let’s just clear that up right now.   

I have never really been alone or done anything alone.  All the moms out there know that even bathroom time alone is a myth.  For the past 20 years, I have always had one or both kids to look after, or the company of the ex…now known as Claudius. (We are going with the Shakespeare theme…Claudius was the mastermind behind his family’s devastation in Hamlet.  Just go with me here people.) 

Anyway…I am going to the movies alone.  Now what?  I know I am great date…funny, witty, easy to get along with, I have a wallet full of cash and I certainly won’t expect anything when the evening is over.  I am great company!  This should be easy.

I chose to drive out of town to a larger movie theatre as opposed to staying in town for two reasons.  Reason number one…I was sincerely hoping I didn’t see anyone I knew and was purposely avoiding people and reason two was because the movie I wanted to see wasn’t being shown in our pitiful town theatre.

On the drive there, I considered turning around approximately 8-10 times.  At every exit, I thought…maybe I will take a detour and do some shopping.  Maybe I could just go home and tell everyone I went.  What was I thinking???  I could be at home in my cave (aka the rec room) in my pajamas in the dark, safe from the knowing stares that scream “Poor girl…she’s just been dumped.”

Couple my insane train of thought with the fact that EVERY radio station I tuned into was playing some sort of song about love, love lost or being alone, I really started to get bummed out.  Can every station in a 40km radius be playing Bon Jovi "Shot through the heart?"  Seriously.  I held on to hope there was something upbeat in the CD player.  Of course there wasn't…it was my newest obsession Adele.  Have you heard her “21” album?  Now I will usually crank her right up and belt out a version of “Someone Like You” like I am auditioning for American Idol but I just wasn't feeling it.  Did I leave my Italian immersion CD in the car?  Nope.  All I came up with was “Magic Treehouse” audio book, “Dingos at Dawn.”  I mean seriously…the universe was f’ing with me the whole way.  I listened to “Dingos at Dawn” by the way because Jack and Annie's adventure into the outback was much more fascinating than my inner voice telling me to turn the hell around and go home.

Finally I arrived and as I sat in the parking lot of the theatre, I shuddered at the thought of walking in and buying one ticket.  This is insane…people do this all the time right?  I could make a run for it and head over to the Chapter's across the parking lot.  Grab a Starbucks, a good book and stay until closing time.

I gather my courage, go inside, purchase my ticket (thank goodness for automated ticket machines) and not making any eye contact, I head straight for the concession booth.  If I stuff enough popcorn and pop on top of the pit of my anxiety in my stomach, everything should turn out just fine.

Just a side note…the popcorn was almost as much as my admission, but throwing caution to the wind, I got the extra butter.  I don’t cheap out, especially on the first date. 

I walk, head high, right into cinema “7” and prepare for the stares of the coupled people already seated. Taking a deep breath, I turn the corner and prepare for the worst.

Clutching my popcorn like a greasy security blanket, I looked around in disbelief. Only 6 other people in the whole place, all over the age of 50 might I add.  Great…I am alone at the theatre AND I picked a crappy movie no one wants to see.

I proceed to look for a seat in the corner where I will go relatively unnoticed and then I stopped.  Impulsively, I decided to take the top row and sit smack dab in the middle!  That way everyone who comes in will have a perfect view of the confident, single woman who took herself out on a date.  Sometimes I even amaze myself.  Ok...I also forgot my glasses and need to sit in the middle, but that is neither here nor there.

Texting a couple of friends for some last minute moral support, I got comfortable with my popcorn and prepared to enjoy the next two hours.

There I sat, riveted by the movie “Anonymous”.  I didn’t notice the time, not even once, I didn’t wonder “when will this be over” and I certainly wasn’t aware that I was alone.  Weird.  This wasn't so bad.  

Leaving the theatre, I still felt slightly conscious of the fact that I was by myself, but held my head a little higher then when I went in. 

Now…the ugly truth.  There are two sides to every story right?  I am not going to hide anything in these blogs, good, bad or indifferent, so here it is.

I cried as soon as I got onto the highway.  I cried on the way home for lots of different reasons.  I cried because I purchased, out of habit, a medium popcorn…Cladius and I would always share, and I had to throw ¾ of it away.  (Not sure if was because of the lack of sharing or the cost of the extra butter that had me upset)  I cried because I was really excited about the movie and had no one to share my enthusiasm with on the drive home.  I cried because I would be coming home to an empty house.  I cried because I did something so out of character.  It brought to the surface something in myself that had been missing for quite some time.  I cried because I like to cry.  It’s as simple and as complicated as that. 

Emotional set back aside...I rediscovered my love of Shakespeare, theatre and conspiracy theories.  I sat, immersed in a movie that required thought and attention and loved it.  I felt my brain coming alive.  I have compromised a lot of things the past 20 years, so it felt great to feel a past passion spark itself inside me again.  


Will I take myself to the movies again?  Absolutely!

Malvolio:
"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and
some have greatness thrust upon 'em."  Twelfth Night

Carri 1 - Softener Salt 0

Someone asked me the other day what bothers me most about being 35 and single.  (thanks for pointing both of those things out by the way).  I really didn’t have an answer, but the question remained in my head.   I decided to sit down and really think about it.

Is it the loneliness?  Is it the financial stress?  Is it the fear of totally F’ing up my kids?  Is it the fear of dying alone?  Is it the fact that I am approaching cougar age with a ton of baggage and a damaged heart?

Those things do bother me, if I let them…what really scares me is the day to day stuff. 

Something as simple as softener salt…yes you read that correctly.  Having never actually purchased softener salt, I felt a little intimidated.  Suddenly I had a lot of questions and concerns.  Where do I go?  How much do I need?  What kind do I buy?  How do I get it from the trunk of my car into the basement?  Do I actually have to heave the bags into a cart and proceed to the checkout?  Pellets or rock crystals?  WTF…it’s not like I am out to score some crack cocaine.  My palms got sweaty thinking about it.

I realize how ridiculous this all sounds and after giving myself a stern talking to about how idiotic I was being, I donned my sturdiest pair of shoes and made the trek to the store.   

Upon arrival, I see skids of salt, varying in size, price and type.  Now, all I have to do is look like I know what the hell is going on.  I walk straight up to the skids like a gunslinger in an old western and stare them down.  Holy hell…they look heavy.  I debate hoisting the bags over my shoulder when I see the weight.  20KG each!!!  Some of the bags were 40KG.  I almost panicked.  Now what?  My inner voice reminded me of the compressed disk I have in my back (an injury I acquired while brushing my teeth, don’t ask) and I quickly decided to head inside to ask for help.

After the lovely 10 year old girl at the checkout took my money for the purchase, she called the 11 year old “carry out” boy to assist me.  It was starting to feel like a drug deal…I actually asked him “Should I pull my car up or will you carry it out to my trunk?”  Awkward silence…and then a smart ass comment…”I am a carry out boy ma’am….I almost bitch slapped him but I need that salt in my trunk.  So the strapping boy hauled those bags of salt and carried them across the parking lot to my car.  Because I am always joking in awkward situations, I asked him if he had a break coming up and would he consider coming home with me to bring the bags to my basement.  He stared at me with an expression on his face like I had just asked him to help me skin a small animal.

And because I am now feeling even more ridiculous for trying to communicate with this hormonal carry out boy, I actually came out with “I have Halloween candy.”  I know…too creepy right?  The kid took off running to the safety of the crowded store.

Feeling proud and excited at the thought of my first “home maintenance” task, my thoughts turned to how crazy it was to get so worked up over this.  Then my thoughts turned to whether or not I would be banned from that particular store for trying to lure their carry out boy to my basement with a mini kit kat.  Regardless…I felt great!

Since I have been told again and again to ask for help (something I am not very good at by the way) I did just that.  I am smart enough to know that I have some really amazing people in my life that would do anything to help me. 

You didn’t win this time water softener…now get to work and make my dishes shiny!