Yes, it has been a while since my last post. My apologies my readers. It’s been a year this month since my “trial
separation” that ultimately lead to the permanent end. I knew that this milestone would be a difficult
time of reflection for me. Trying to
release the “what if’s” the “should haves” … it’s been a challenge for a
thinker like myself. I would like to say
life is content and although it is, I have been contemplating much over the
last couple of weeks.
Mainly trust, faith, risk….
When you take a risk, trust and faith go right along with
it.
My trouble right now is being brave enough to take some
risks. Aside from my dating disasters,
my crazy activities and strange happenings….I am talking real risk. Heart and soul risks. I will be the first to admit I am scared to
death. (click on the link below to read
my last post about fear)
How does such a strong willed person let fear paralyze
her? Why do I allow the past to continue
to control my future? How do you finally
face the fear and move forward into the brilliant life that is waiting? My instinct and the quiet voice that guides
me says “time.” Lots of time. Time will bring forth boldness, perspective
and freedom.
Not to worry…the pain of a broken heart is healing at a
speed that frightens me to a point, the memories have become more of a comfort than
heartache and the weeping has ceased. The
anger has dissolved. I was out running
errands the other day and saw him in his truck.
I glanced up and thought to myself, “Oh, that’s (insert name here).” I didn’t feel the sadness, the bitterness,
the anger, the devastation of the past.
It was such an odd feeling to not feel, that I actually pulled my car
over and analyzed the encounter. I was surprised; confused, even felt a bit
guilty that seeing him didn’t affect me.
It confounded me that in one passing moment, I came to the
conclusion that the past year of turmoil had come to an end. The pain eased, just like I had known it
would.
So after the pain comes the fear of risk.
I have been afraid to
change because my entire life was built around what I thought was forever. What I thought I needed, what I thought I wanted,
suddenly swept out from under my feet and what’s left is real and raw and somewhat
overwhelming. The excitement and exhilaration
of a new life. The freedom to finally be
who I was meant to be. The knowledge
that yes, I am ok on my own. The flip
side…the fear of being enough, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of
totally fucking up my kids, fear of the unknown. It’s a delicate balance of rushing head first
into the light and being jerked back by terror and insecurities.
One of my favourite quotes is “who would I be if I took the
limits away?” I don’t know who wrote
that or where I even heard it, but it definitely resonates with me right now at
this point in my life. I don’t want
limits anymore.
It’s easy to play it safe.
It’s easy to stay in my pajamas and hide away in my living room. I don’t want easy anymore.
I want to live with an open heart and spirit. There is an unstoppable force driving me
towards it. It’s where I am supposed to
be. I truly believe that I am being
gently nudged out of my comfort zone by the people in my life and the choices I
make. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, even
prickly at times, but oh so amazing!
I take a risk every time I write. I feel the fear and write anyway. It eases my soul and releases the jumble of
thoughts that run through my brain.
Without it, I am not sure I would be so far into my journey.
So to you my amazing readers…thank you. Because without you, my writing would just be
words.
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