Hey me too!

I am going to start off by saying…I am not looking for sympathy, pity or a cheering squad regarding this post.  (But cheer me on if you must, I really don’t mind lol)

The purpose of this post is to openly discuss, that deep down, single or not, we all have fears.  Some of us struggle with our self image, some of us with self esteem, for some of us it’s the fear of rejection, hurt, pain, judgement.

I am about to share mine with you.  So, in my always honest and blunt fashion, here we go.

My first few months of “dating” were more experimentation on my part.  What kind of qualities in a person do I like, what kind of things will I not tolerate and who I am as a single mother.  A strange, scary, bizzare trial and error to find out what I need.  Mistakes were made…more than I care to think about and the growing pains that come along with this new life of mine have taught me many lessons. Through these lessons I became fully aware of my tendency to sabotage any new person I saw after the second date.  There was a purpose behind that.  The voice in my head said, “stop this now before they find out who you really are and dump you first.”  A get them before they get you attitude gets you nowhere fast and not only are you nowhere, you’re alone.  Needless to say, I wasn’t ready and I am not sure I am even ready now.  Now that the novelty of “dating” has worn off, I find myself wanting something more, or should I say someone more.  It’s only natural I suppose to graduate from testing the waters to getting into a committed relationship at some point…but truth be told, I am scared to death. 

We all show the world who we want them to see.  For me, it’s a strong willed, funny, confident, independent woman.  That’s the face I choose for all of you to see.  I am actually all those things. 

However, underneath that face is a woman who is scared she will never be enough.  A woman who was so caught up in putting everyone else first that she became resentful and bitter.  A woman who cries (a lot) because no matter how hard she tries, she hears the harsh words said to her, still lingering in her head. A woman who could never do enough, clean enough, work enough, be enough, tolerate enough to make a marriage work.  A woman who, no matter how hard she tries to make everyone think she’s ok, is wondering why on earth anyone would choose her or what she has to offer.

I am fully aware these thoughts were put into my head during the long road to my marriage breakdown…nevertheless…if I think too much I start to wonder if they are true.  I think we all have our moments of self-doubt.  Not to worry…these thoughts don’t consume me. 

Forget about my abandonment issues (my shrink and I deal with that) but sometimes I wonder…if the person who knew me better than anyone, the person who promised to love me until death do us part could walk away… why wouldn’t someone else do the same.  That’s the risk you take I suppose.  But let me tell you a secret…I am not a risk taker.  I like comfort, security and knowing…perhaps why this whole process has been difficult for me. 

I focus everyday on putting positive energy out into the universe…I firmly believe in the law of attraction. It does work, trust me and 98% of the time I remain optimistic, but, being human, there are moments when I panic.  Is there someone out there who will embrace a scared, thirty something single mother with huge trust issues?  Is there someone really willing to take on my sensitive heart?  Is there someone who will understand my fierce devotion to my children?  Someone who will understand my insane need for approval?  Someone who will still want to wake up beside me years from now?  Someone who will see that the strong willed pain in the ass needs a gentle spirit to calm her?  I know what you’re thinking…these are my issues and rest assured I am not looking for someone to “change” me.  These are the things that make me who I am as much as the positive qualities.  A balance of light and dark if you will.  What scares me most is that once a new person gets past the “face” I put on and sees the real me…what will they think?  Will they go running for the hills or will they embrace the person that I am?  Insecurities and all?

I know I am not alone in this.  We all have our fears and hang ups. We all want to be accepted for who we are and that includes the bits of us that we work so hard to hide.   It really is a shame that we spent so much of our energy pretending that life is always rosy.  It’s during these moments of self-doubt that I wish other people would say “hey me too.”  So, that’s what I am doing.  To all of you, who need to hear it, who need to know you’re not alone, “hey me too.”

Perhaps it’s time I get beyond the second date.