Here comes the bride…

No…I am not getting married. 
And I am not looking to get married anytime soon. 

However, my brother in law (can I still call him that?) did get married this weekend.  They woke up this morning as husband and wife.  It brought back memories of my marriage, the good memories, the not so good memories, the realization that our dreams and plans would never come to be.  The realization that on the weekend of their life beginning as husband and I wife, I could officially file for divorce as our year of separation has come to a close.  This is where things get tricky for me.

I received a beautiful invitation to join in the celebration and declined.  After all, this was their day and I really felt strongly about not making any waves.  Secondly, I firmly believe that it would be a huge step back for the kids to see their dad and I together at a huge family function such as their uncle’s wedding.  They aren’t ready for that and frankly, neither am I.  Third, it’s not my place anymore.  As much as that hurts to actually see that in written words, I feel that I no longer have the right to be a part of this family.  His decisions and choices forced that on me.  Lastly, in all honesty, I need to start separating myself before I drive myself mad.

It’s been difficult creating distance from his family.  We have been part of each other’s worlds for the last 20 years.  How do you just stop being part of a family?  We will always be “family” because of the children, but I really feel like I have lost the connection.  In all honesty, I feel like it’s not mine to hold on to anymore.

Now don’t get me wrong…I have an amazing family who has been so very supportive of me and my children.  That’s not what this post is about. 

This post is missing being part of something bigger. 

It has become difficult not to get weepy when I go over to my mother in law’s for a visit with the kids.  It tears me up to say “no” to invitations extended from his family.  I say “no” because I can’t handle the feelings that come along with the realization that this is no longer my “family”. 

I want so badly to hold on to his mom, his sister, his extended family, but I know it’s not healthy to do that.  I know that I will always be accepted and welcomed within that circle, however, it breaks my heart every time I am there.  It’s a double edged sword. 

I never in a million years thought that there would be a worse heartache than losing him…but there is.  It’s losing his family and my role in it.  I am no longer the daughter in law, but the ex wife.  I am no longer the sister in law to the sister I have known since she was 6 years old.  I can’t speak for how they feel, but this is how I feel, how I fit into this whole mess.

I imagine they are struggling with the letting go as much as I am. 

I would think that once all the newness eases and he introduces someone else into his family’s lives, things will change again.  I will be replaced.  We are all replaceable I suppose.  As amazing and fantastic as I am…I am replaceable.  At work, in our social circles, with our extended families.  We can all be replaced.  This is just a fact.  We all have this grand idea that if we fell off the face of the earth, things would never be the same.  Well readers…life always goes on with or without you. 

That’s why I have chosen to keep moving forward.  I don’t want life to pass me by. 

Much earlier in my journey, a friend and I were talking and she asked whether I would ever get married again.  Initially I said hell no.  Never again would I place my heart, my trust, my children, my life, my soul in the hands of someone. 

Time is a great healer my friends.  Wounds have healed, perspective has focused and although my heart is scarred, it is definitely worthy of love.   I would get married again, but this time for all the right reasons and with lessons learned guiding me.

I know there are a lot of you reading this thinking…marriage is over rated.  It’s just a piece of paper that doesn’t indicate any level of commitment.  It’s a prison.  I can hear you all now.  While I agree that you can be happy in a relationship without the piece of paper, even happier than some with the piece of paper, I am not giving up.

The fact is, I believe in love.  I believe in second chances.  I believe that with the right person, we could prove that marriage is not disposable, as the trend seems to be with people in my age group. 

I believe that being married brings about a whole new level of commitment, responsibility, trust. 

I love wearing a wedding ring…a symbol that shows the whole world that I belong to someone and vice versa.  I always felt a renewed surge of love when I heard the sound our rings made when we held hands, you know the little noise of metal on metal, reminding you of your connection. 

I love saying the word “husband”.  It’s not only the fact that “boyfriend” at my age sounds so lame, it’s the fact that there is respect behind the word “husband.”  I have always had respect for what the word means, but even more so now.

I loved being a wife and the responsibility that came with that title. 

Marriage to me is the knowing that there has been an official commitment made to each other on a firm foundation of respect.

I believe that who we could be as a team in marriage is infinitely greater than who we are as boyfriend/girlfriend.  I’ve had flashes of our wise, old faces in rocking chairs on the front porch of our home. I’m choosing to stick it out to see that.

Being happy within ourselves is nice, but sharing that happiness is wonderful. I think that is one of the perks about marriage being able to share yourself the good and the bad with someone. No walls, no expectations.  Just happiness.

Knowing that someone's always on my side.  Encouraging me to be better, dream big dreams.  That was something I never had in my marriage and would like to embrace that with someone.

Marriage is a lot of work, and I'm grateful for that.  It constantly challenged me in ways that made me who I am today. 

Marriage is a beautiful thing – no I’m not talking about the wedding but marriage, when truly taken on by two souls who are willing to work and grow together, can be a most glorious picture of unconditional love.

People say that marriage is the end of freedom. They don’t necessarily use those words, but they’re constantly implying them. I disagree.  It gives you a different kind of freedom.  Freedom to be yourself, your light and dark and still be accepted.  It gives your partner the same freedom.  Knowing you can be free to be who you are and are accepted for that is amazing.

I believe that the second time around I can build a solid relationship founded on friendship first.  Friendship with someone at this age is definitely not what it was when I was 15.  Having a strong foundation will make for a stronger marriage.  I have this wisdom with me now.  I want the chance to do it right.

Marriage makes you a better person. I don’t mean that you aren’t amazing on your own.  If you choose someone who is insightful, respectful, honest, funny, appreciative, that’s the kind of companion who can make you a better person. They bring out the best in you. They challenge you to be the best version of yourself.  They push you when you need to be pushed and pull you close when you need support.

Falling in love over and over again with each other.  I suppose you could do that without the legal piece of paper, but I am a romantic at heart, so this goes on the list.

Marriage is hard…I like that. 

I know that all my points could be argued.  You absolutely do not need a piece of paper to make most of these statements true.

That being said…I don’t ever want to say on my deathbed, “Thank God I played it safe when I was in love.” 

I want to be able to revel in the fact that I risked it all and made the most of every second life had to offer me.

Congratulations Celeste and Daryl.  Let your love endure beyond the last sunset.

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