My bucket

After a busy, rollercoaster week, I learned a very valuable lesson from my 7 year old son.

The week had been a bit stressful…feeling tired, emotional, pulled in every direction and generally feeling sorry for myself, there was a moment that if I had chosen to ignore, would have never provided me with the clarity that I needed.

As I stood in the kitchen doing the dishes, feeling genuinely sad and lonely, wishing I had a partner standing there with me to talk to about my week, my son came up to me out of nowhere and put his little arms around me.  Because I was distracted and feeling annoyed, I continued doing the dishes.

He just stood there with his little arms tight around my waist, his head nuzzled into my back.

All I really wanted to do was get the damn dishes done and just sit for a minute, but he held on.

Finally, I stopped scrubbing and sighed.  I turned myself around to face him, thinking he was buttering me up to ask me something.  “What do you need?”  I asked him more gruffly than I really intended.

He looked at me, still with his arms tight around my waist and said, “I don’t need anything, I am just filling your bucket.” 

I have never seen him look more wise than he did right in that moment.  It was one of those moments that I am always rambling on about.  You know the ones…where the universe actually bitch slaps me into stopping what I am doing and take notice of what’s right in front of my face.

I dried my hands and sat on the kitchen floor, right there in front of the sink.  He climbed into my lap and I asked him to explain what that meant.

This is the wisdom of a 7 year old:

“Everyone has a bucket.  What you need to do is fill your bucket and someone else’s bucket with magic and love and happiness.  

When you do or say nice things for people who need it, you put a little magic in their bucket and you end up filling your own bucket too.  After a while, your bucket overflows and you have lots of good magic to give people.  Then their buckets over flow too. 

If you don’t say or do nice things for people, your bucket dries up and you end up feeling sad, because no one wants any empty bucket.  That’s not true for you because you are too nice.

If you always give your magic and nobody gives you some back, then you get tired and your bucket doesn’t get to overflow.  You always give so much magic to everyone…so much that it’s hard to keep up with your bucket.

I saw you looked sad and wondered if you were missing daddy because you always used to do the dishes together.  That’s why I thought I would come and fill your bucket. “

I just sat there in silence.  I cried, because that’s what I do and hugged him tightly.   I thanked him for filling my bucket and told him all the reasons I love him, so his bucket would overflow.

After kissing his little face all over, he declared he was “outta here because that much kissing is gross.” I remained sitting on the floor after he scrambled away and pondered the past week.  Did I fill anyone’s bucket this week, did I make an effort to pour some of my magic into anyone’s bucket? 

I have always been an open, giving person.  I don't hold back on telling people I appreciate them and respect them.  I try to do whatever I can to help someone when they need it. I am a great listener, an even better hugger and feel for other people’s struggles.   I strive to be a good person and give of myself even when I feel like I have nothing to offer.  I appreciate being the one people can rely on.  It makes me feel good.  I like knowing that if I can help, I will, giving all I have to the people I care about and quite often to people I don’t even know.  It’s just a part of me.  I laugh freely and love openly.  To quote my kids “your heart is just too good mommy.”

Still, I wondered if I had given enough.  My own 7 yr. old recognized my bucket was no longer over flowing.  Did I let the magic in my bucket stop flowing? 

It made me reflect on the past week, the past year even.  Through the turmoil and heartache, the ups and downs of our new life, I am pretty sure that the magic in my bucket suffered. 

In the midst of figuring out how to be a single mom, a single woman with a new identity, I missed some opportunities to overflow my bucket. 

How did I let my bucket run so low?  I know the answer to that question.  Avoiding life.  Plain and simple.

I often made excuses not to have family game night because quite honestly it hurt too much. 

For the first 8 months after the 4^th team member left the game, I wasn’t 100% present for movie night, day trips, hikes, trips to the park, snowball fights.  Instead I let my mind worry about finances instead of enjoying the laughter and silliness. 

I rushed through bedtime stories because I just couldn’t do it without the four us. 

I spent too much time worrying about the friends I lost along with the loss of my husband.

I allowed myself to get caught up in all the hurt, that I stopped enjoying the everyday things.

I let worry and regret consume me.

A variety of things took magic from my bucket.

With a grateful heart…I have made huge strides with my new amazing life and now that I can see how far I have come.  I stopped worrying about what could go wrong and saw what was right in my life, no matter how small.  I make a conscious decision every day to be present and live. I am enjoying my life.  Aside from the small glitch this past week, the magic in my bucket has increased leaps and bounds in the last little while.  A shared laugh over a latte, a quick kiss from my kids, a funny text, a reassuring hug from a friend.  All these things fill my bucket. 

Don’t let the magic in your bucket disappear…fill it whenever you can.  Let it overflow.  Don’t miss an opportunity to tell people what they mean to you, don’t hold back, give praise, give hugs, give kisses, say I love you, find the possibilities in every day, live with an open heart full of magic.

My kids are amazing little souls who constantly show me how appreciate the important things in life. It was a much needed reminder from my son that I must be ever conscious of how full my bucket is. 

Today is the day I continue to fill my bucket and the buckets around me.

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