Merry F'in Christmas!

I know I shouldn’t be pissy so close to Christmas, but this is my blog and screw it…I can’t help but be a little pissed.  I have been very calm, very accommodating and extremely patient through most of this.  So…tonight’s post is one huge f’in venting session. 

I am pissed because I am 100% responsible all the f’in time, while he gets to do whatever the hell he wants.

I am pissed because he can waltz in, drop off the kids, their laundry and all their shit and leave me with the aftermath.

I am pissed because I just spent the last 3 days dragging my vaccume around, up and down the stairs, de-flea-ing my house, my carpets and my dog…and he gets to go to the gym, sit on his ass or whatever he does with all his spare time.

I am pissed because I selected, bought and wrapped all the Christmas gifts by myself.

I am pissed that it didn't occur to him that he would have to buy the gifts for his family this year.

I am pissed I have to shovel the stupid f’in driveway.

I am pissed because I have to explain to an old friend I saw at the grocery store what has happened when she wished me a “Happy Anniversary” for this coming Tuesday.

I am pissed because I made a shit load of Christmas baking with no one to eat it.

I am pissed because I still can’t cook for one adult and 2 kids and end up with way too much food each and every meal.

 I am pissed because I go to bed and wake up every morning alone.

I am pissed because I still feel like I have to babysit his ass and remind him to feed the kids meals other than fast food.

I am pissed because he still walks into the house, the one he couldn’t wait to get out of, without knocking.

I am pissed because when one of the kids has something exciting to share they have to call him and usually have to leave a message because he never answers his f’in phone.

I am pissed/sad because Grant lost another tooth tonight and he didn’t even want to tell his dad about it.

I am pissed because he was willing to give up his weekend with the kids to go out “clubbing” with his twice divorced, serial relationship, friend who didn’t give a shit about him when he was fat.

I am pissed because some of my so called “friends” haven’t called, texted or messaged me once to ask how I am.

I am pissed because I don’t see me ever letting my walls down to let someone else in because of the damage he has done.

I am pissed because I am getting along better without him.

I am pissed/sad that all Grant asked for in his letter to Santa was to have his family back.

I am pissed because a lot of his shit is still in the house and I would love to just set it on fire.

I am pissed because I had to sit alone at Grant’s Christmas concert while he f’d off to wherever was more important.

I am pissed at how f’in perfect everyone pretends to be in their own relationships.

I am pissed that he is so selfish.

I am pissed because this year has been a shitstorm from the beginning.

I am pissed at the fact that I strategically plan my trips to the grocery store just to avoid the awkward pity stares.

I am pissed because he still fights me on child support.

I am pissed because he owes me a lot of money and I know I will never see it.

I am pissed that he doesn’t want to spend more time with his kids.

I am pissed because I can’t let go of the reasons he gave me about why he was leaving.

I am pissed that he has changed so much and doesn't see it. 

I am pissed because there are wives out there way worse, way more bitchy, way more controlling, way more high maintenance and way more naggy than I am but I am the one alone.

I am pissed that I bent over backwards for years and it got me nowhere but alone and writing a blog about how pissed off I am.

I am pissed I gave up my business because he told me to and left me anyway.

I am pissed that he still makes me cry.

I am pissed that he only sees the kids 4 days a month and never asks to see them more.

I am pissed that I pretend everything is ok just to spare other people’s feelings so they don't feel uncomfortable.

I am pissed that I let all this stuff get to me and that I let him get away with it.

Venting complete.  Maybe I will I post a grateful list to reverse the negative karma I just puked into the universe.  Tomorrow is a new day.