The Truth…the good, the bad and the ugly

I debated for a long time whether to write about the ugly truth of my marriage breakup, let alone actually send it out into the universe.  The truth is…I don’t need to justify myself or my situation to anyone and the fact remains, this journey is about moving forward, not reliving the past.  It is not about that.  It never was.  It never will be.

I said right from the beginning that I wasn’t going to write about the nasty details of the separation or put this into a negative light.  To go back on that now would be disrespectful to my journey.   I still feel that way, however, there are some of you out there who sit and judge me without knowing what went on behind closed doors. Let’s face it, we all do that.  There are some of you who actually do know what went on behind closed doors and still judge me.  It doesn’t really matter because this is about me, not you. 

There are those of you who read because you have an interest in my journey.  It could be because you are going through your own struggles.  It could be because you just want to be entertained.  It could be because you are cheering me on.  It could be all of these reasons and I thank you from the bottom of my ever healing heart for your support and encouragement. 

Ultimately I am choosing not to spew the ugly truth of the past year because the unstoppable motion my own healing is far too important.  In the end I let my heart guide me, because that is who I am.  I have reclaimed my power.

I am not perfect.  We all make mistakes.   We are all only human after all.  I gave every last ounce of myself to saving my marriage and the fact is, he didn’t.  That is not my opinion, he will even tell you that.  While I agonized over the loss of my family and wondered how I could save us, the front door was already closing behind him.

Here is the edited version of the ugly side of the truth:

I am doing well.  More than well actually.  At first, I didn’t want to do better without him.  I wanted to need him.  Turns out I don’t and that can be a hard pill to swallow.

I know I deserve more but feel guilty for thinking it and feeling guilty for moving forward just doesn’t get you anywhere.  So, I have chosen to release guilt’s grip on me.

Losing an extended family that you have always known is almost harder than losing your husband.

The small town we live in has a quick and ruthless gossip network.  People are seeing who he is and unfortunately, with his inflated ego, he doesn’t see that people pity him, not support him.  I really do feel sad for him.

What he doesn’t know that the kids curl up in my son’s bed together and sing songs to each other with a towel rolled up under the door so they can’t hear the things he says to me. 

There are people who have taken pleasure in the “I told you they would never last” or the “I am not surprised.”  To you, my wish is that you never have to go through this.

Even though I hide it well, my own heart terrifies me.

Accepting that our marriage was over long before the official separation was a hard truth to acknowledge.

Panic attacks definitely feel like a heart attack/suffocation.

I will always wonder whether I will be good enough for anyone because I have allowed his words to leave a mark on me.  I am a work in progress :)

Here is the truth of what has come out of my awakening.

I have done more, seen more and honoured my true self more in the last 6 months than the last 20 years.

 I have taken on challenges, personal, emotional, financial, and come out on top, even when I wanted to give up.

I have been at the very bottom and climbed, sometimes clawed, my way back into the light. I have come so far that I am not giving up now.

I deserve more and will not settle and do not feel guilty about that.

 I have come face to face with my own personal demons and I am winning.

 I have been given opportunities that I never would have dreamed of. Like a publishing offer for a blog that has put my life on display in the hopes that it gives a voice to those people who can’t find theirs.

I cry...sometimes it takes me by surprise and I am ok with that.

I have found out the hard way who really does support you in times of challenge and despair.  I have accepted this lesson and the loss that comes with it.

I have become friends with new people who have brought clarity and unwavering support into my life. 

I have strengthened my already amazing bonds with the people who truly care about me.

I have seen the depth and strength of my children and am still amazed.

I have dated (gasp) and survived and have been wise enough to see the reasons these people entered my life and have been strong enough to know it wasn’t right.

I have found a peace in my life that I am not sure I ever had but am grateful to have finally found it.

I can breathe.  Guilt free and unapologetic.