What the funk?

Ya, ya I know…it’s been a while since I last blogged.  Thanks for all the messages asking whether I had officially been admitted to the nuthouse.  No, not the nuthouse (not yet anyway) but definitely some much needed “hermit” time.  Let’s call it my end of winter funk.

It’s been a couple of weeks of introspection, pity party and funk.  That’s the only way I can sum it up. A friend of mine who has been through this, told me this process would be one step forward and two back.  So, in my usual fashion, I am going to be totally honest with my readers and say, this is a “two step back” phase.   And it sucks.

It’s been months since I have been a weepy mess, but out of the blue here it is again.  I miss my family as we used to be.  I miss our Sunday morning breakfasts, our family game nights, our weekend back road trips.  Sure I still do all those things with the kids, but the empty chair at dinner suddenly makes our once too small table, feel quite large. 

I miss all the things that you take for granted when you have them.  The support that you know is waiting for you at the end of the day, the snuggle on the couch in the evening watching your favourite tv shows, the dances in the kitchen after the kids should be in bed, but are peeking down the stairs to spy, the quiet conversations in the car while the kids sleep in the back seat, the breathing beside you at night that is so familiar it’s almost like your own breath.  

I miss sharing 20 years of private jokes and falling asleep knowing that I am not in this alone.  Because regardless of the amazing friends and family that support me, at the end of the day, I am doing this alone. 

I have definitely felt the change in myself…an inner peace if you will, about what has happened, what I have learned and where I am going. It’s not easy to move on from 20 years, but I am getting there.

I firmly believe that you can be in a funk, yet still keep a positive light in your heart that this hurdle is just that…it’s not permanent, but a necessary part of the process.

I have tried, I mean really tried to take the high road.  I don’t talk badly about him to the kids or in front of the kids, or anyone really.  I am accommodating, flexible, even helpful for the sake of the kids.  I haven’t taken legal action or enforced our agreement as written, even though I should.   I keep a positive attitude and outlook for myself and for my kid’s sake.  There are times when I can feel the anger set in and it takes all I have to reel it back in so it doesn’t take over.  Would it help if he showed some regret, some emotion, if he didn’t act like nothing has changed?  I am not sure. 

But here I am, playing the weepy, ex wife role that seems to be my new identity these days.  Why?  I don’t really know.  Sigh

So now what?  I am scared of what’s behind me and I am scared of what’s in front of me.  I am kind of stuck in this middle place…a funk.

How do you get out of a funk?

I am not really sure, but today is the day that I stop playing the victim, pick myself up like I always do and plow forward because the other option isn’t an option.  And two weeks in a funk is long enough.