My secret identity

Once upon a time there was a girl.  She was young and starry eyed and full of trust.  She met a boy that gave her everything a 15 year old girl could want.  They fall in love or whatever love means at that age.  They date and become “the” couple.  He was the popular one, she was not.  An unlikely combination, but they travelled forward together with determination and innocence and pride.  The girl and boy married at age 21 and 23 respectively, and they were the first ones of the “group” to do so.  Blissfully unaware that the hesitation they both felt before the wedding would be a valuable lesson in listening to your instincts.  They moved together through life, through jobs, changed addresses, lost children, gave birth to children and tried to make sense of the downward spiral that had become their reality.  They were determined to prove that happily ever after was going to be ending to their story.

 As time went on the girl in this story lost herself, in fact, she never really had the chance to develop a sense of “self”.  She didn’t know any better.  How could she know?  She became comfortable in her role as the wife.  She thought this was the way it should be.  She clung to this role because she didn’t know how to be anything else.  She held on because who would she be without him? 

She had accepted the labels that were placed on her, from others and from herself.  She was the full time wife and full time career woman.  She was the go to friend for advice, the one who would drop everything to help, the co worker who would take on all the extra tasks. She was mom and all that word encompasses.  She was the one who allowed the storm of anxiety to brew inside herself when she felt that she disappointed.  She was labelled as the door mat for her inability to say “no”.  She grew to accept she was a people pleaser.  It made her feel like she had a purpose. Needing support was no longer an option to her because she was “the strong one”. This girl didn’t cry…she was the brave one.  She came to accept that she couldn’t ask for help because she was labelled as the one with all the answers.  She took care of her husband because those were the labels that they made for themselves.  He expected it and she gave. 

In her quest to help everyone else, she realized but never acknowledged at the time, that she had supported other people’s accomplishments and had done so much cheering on for everyone else that she had done very little for herself. She immersed herself in taking care of other people’s to-do lists that she had started neglecting her own.  Suddenly her goals and dreams took the back burner in order to support those around her.  She let this happen willingly because these were her labels.  This was who she was now.  The lines became blurred and the girl became invisible. 

She built her life on this shaky foundation of labels.  They gave her an identity.  They gave her a foundation created out of the fear that she could never let anyone down, with the fear of never being good enough and with the acceptance of defeat that she could never be anything but the labels she had accepted and had grown to feel safe with. She accepted the labels that “protected” her from the terrifying task of being true to herself. 

What she didn’t know, or ever expected, was the foundation she had built was about the crack.  The crack went deeper as life went on and the foundation began to crumble beneath her.  She didn’t know that when a hurricane ripped through her foundation she would be thrust into a journey of self discovery.  She had no idea that she was about to become the heroine in her own story.  She didn’t know what she was really capable of. She didn't know her own strength…until now.

Over time, I started to peel away the labels.  This process started long before my marriage ended.  I woke up one morning and realized that I couldn’t live another second in the box I had crammed myself into.  Needless to say, this did not go over well.  The once tolerant wife took her doormat label and tore it up.  This did not sit well with the man who had come to like and expect the doormat that I had allowed myself to be.  The removal of the labels became even more important once my marriage was officially over.  It was like peeling off a wool sweater on a warm day.  The itchiness, the heaviness, the covering up, all melted away once I stood in the sunshine, free of the pressure.

Some labels were so stuck that I had to pick and scratch them off.  Sometimes it hurt.  But, my secret identity was hidden under those labels and I wasn’t about to give up now.  Some of the labels fell away without much effort.  Some were like a band aid that I tore off with eyes closed and breath held, leaving what was underneath sore and exposed, perhaps not quite healed (the single mother label was one of these hold your breath and tear it off labels).  Other labels I tore off a little at a time and when I became afraid I panicked and I tried feverishly to stick them back on.  But once removed and forced back into place, I found they didn’t stick quite the same.  The labels that once provided me with protection and comfort didn’t feel good anymore.  The corners kept peeling away and no matter how hard I tried to keep them attached, they continued to peel away.  I had no choice but to let them fall away in their own time. 

And when I had reached the core of my identity I found something amazing.  The layers and pieces of the labels that suffocated me for so long blew away in the changing winds that brought me here.  At my core I found there is no failure, only encouragement, only support, only warmth.  There is self- love, freedom from guilt and balance. At my core there is a huge heart that will still do anything for anyone. A heart that is loving and strong and brave.  There is acceptance that I am ever evolving and a desire to keep evolving. I found the knowledge I am not powerful enough to change someone else’s story. I do not have their answers. At my core I found the freedom to write and edit and rewrite my own story. 

I found my truth, my strength, my flexibility.

Today is the day that I ask something from you. 

Please be kind to yourself.  Take off your wool sweater.  Be patient.  Don’t stick labels on the people around you.  Don’t live your labels.  You are so much more.    

So how does this heroine's story end?  It turns out that she did in fact live happily ever after.  Because she wrote it that way.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Today-is-the-day/266430446735734

The trouble with money...

Over the past year one of my biggest challenges being a single mom has been money.  Yes, finances.  No one likes to talk about it, no one likes to admit they don’t have any and a lot of people try to buy class with it.  

We are driven to want more, buy more, have more.  In the grand scheme of things, what does "more" even mean?  When the bottom suddenly falls out on you, "more" isn't even an option.  Day to day survival is.  Then, gradually, life has a way of settling.  You realize "more" was with you all along.

I spent many sleepless nights wondering how I was going to make this new life of mine work financially.  I would be up until 2 or 3am calculating, budgeting and was so worked up that I was physically sick more than once.  I mean, how can I do this alone on my income???  I have a part time job, run my own business (which really doesn’t contribute much to my income at all) child support payments coming in and my monthly child tax credit from Revenue Canada.  The total of my income per month is less than half of what it was when I was married.  But, here I am.  I have managed not to bounce a single cheque in a year and continue to pay all my bills on time.  I have the same expenses as I did with the four of us here but with less money coming in.  How can this be? 

Turns out, you don’t really need a lot of money to be happy.  Or “survive”.  I budget and it’s strict.  It’s not always “fair” but we always have enough.  And having enough is a state of mind.  I know I am fortunate…more fortunate than some in my situation.  I wake up every morning with a grateful heart appreciating what I have.  I also know that I want some ``wiggle`` room in my budget for the future.  Those decisions are totally up to me.  It`s freeing and terrifying to be responsible for my finances.  I am 100% responsible, succeed or fail.  I could have $1000 in my bank account or $1.00 in my bank account.  Either way, it's all me and I am doing it.

I have a car. It’s a nice car.  It is in one piece.  It runs well.  It’s not being repossessed out of my driveway. It’s great on gas.  I am content and grateful that I do not have to walk to the grocery store and that I can pick up go whenever I like.  Unless my car suddenly dies, never to be resurrected, I don’t see myself getting another one just for the sake of getting a new car.  I used to have a fancy van with automatic sliding doors, built in DVD player to entertain the kids and storage under the seats.  I don’t miss it.  Now we sing songs and play games on a trip.  There are toys in the back seat.  We communicate.  We laugh.

I do not own my own house.  I am ok with that.  I will someday and when the time comes, it will be something I can afford.  I will not mortgage myself to death for bragging rights to a concrete driveway.  If you have never lost everything, be grateful.  Because once you do, the type of hardware in your kitchen will be pretty meaningless.  Now I know some of you will draw your own conclusions with this. Thinking “she’s jealous” or “bitter”.  So before you get your knickers in a knot, this is untrue. I am happy for my friends who have these things.  It’s what they want and how they choose to live.  That just isn’t for me.  I like the uniqueness of my home.  I love that the drawer to left of my kitchen sink that holds my tea towels gets stuck every now and again.   I love the groans and creaks of an older place. I love that my door frame to the kitchen shows the marks of the how quickly my kids have grown over the years.  I love that my walkway isn’t perfect and has moss growing between the cracks. I love my lumpy brown lawn.  I love my maple tree in my backyard.  Trees are hard to come by these days.  I feel grateful that I was able to stay in the place we call home. 

My furniture isn’t the newest or the most expensive.  My dining room table is marked and scratched and worn with the memories of all the dinners, crafts, science experiments and laughter that lingers around each place setting.  Why would I want to trade that for a new table?  Antique dishes instead of modern pieces, mismatched cutlery and bowling alley glasses fill my cupboards.  These are important to me.  Sure I yearn for at least 8 teaspoons, yet they keep disappearing.  It’s not the cutlery that matters to me.  It’s the ice cream sundaes we eat with those spoons that makes me happy. 

My $50 Ikea chair is covered in paw prints, remnants of chocolate chip cookie and permanent marker.  It’s not overly stylish or even very nice looking.  However, it is the best chair in the house to curl up with a book, a cup of tea, take a nap or snuggle. You can actually use it. 

I have one TV in the whole house…gasp!!!  It’s not a big screen, bolted to my wall.  It’s not HD.  It’s not a plasma.  We have basic cable.  How do we survive you must be wondering?  We play, we draw, we read, we go outside, we make forts.  We create.

I have healthy kids who have learned to appreciate the value of a starry night, a picnic at the beach and the joy of lying in the grass guessing the animal shapes in the clouds.  Partly out of necessity and partly to keep the balance between the fun that you pay for and the fun that’s right in your own backyard. 

I guess my point is…why do we think we need more???  Your possessions don’t make you a better person.  They don’t make you nice to be around.  Your possessions, in my eyes, don’t define you. One of my favourite movies has this line in it:

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. "  Fight Club

Amen Fight Club.  Amen.

When you come to my home you will find shoes on the floor, smudges on my fridge, Lego men scattered among the books and toothpaste splatter on my mirrors.  You may even find the remnants of last weeks stink bomb that we created in our chemistry lab.  You will also find a place where you can put your feet up on my coffee table, set your drink down without a coaster, eat chips from the bag and walk barefoot on the mossy pathway.  You will find big dreams, imagination, rib crushing hugs and an open invitation for coffee. And love, alot of it.

Why am I telling you this?  Because my house isn’t a show house, it’s a home.  It’s messy and thrifty and well loved. It's lived in.  And that my friends, has more value than any professionally landscaped garden.  This was a lesson that I needed to learn. 

Without the events of the past year, I would still be trying to keep up and live beyond my means.   I came to realize that when I lost everything, I was given the opportunity to live life on my terms.  I was tired, stressed, scattered and afraid. I was dragged along the path of fear.  Afraid that we won’t have more than them.  Afraid of what others will think if we didn’t have this or that.  Afraid that we would never have enough to meet the standards of the ``friends`` we spent time with.

In place of feeling inadequate, stressed and anxious that I didn’t measure up, perspective, gratitude, peace and contentment filled my life once I realized I am not my bank account.  (Says the mostly broke woman who still dreams of winning the lottery)

Time has given me the amazing gift of knowledge.  Knowing that this moment is all I am guaranteed in life.  And it didn`t cost a thing. 

Dear Future Me

I had a lot of ideas floating around in my head for a post this week.  None of them felt just right.  I either couldn’t find the words, wrote and rewrote or just didn’t think it was “time” to write about the particular thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head.  I had three posts written this weekend and saved them for another time.  They just didn’t feel right.

As I sat here tonight and pondered what I would write about, I scrolled through my documents hoping that I had by chance written something super amazing previously and saved it for a rainy day.  All I could find was a letter I had written to myself a few months ago…mid May to be exact.  I wrote it shortly after I returned from my trip to Vancouver when I was feeling particularly hopeful that life was going to be ok.  When my therapist first told me to take on this “project for self-healing” I was a little wary.  But I am glad I did it.  I think everyone should write a letter to themselves once in a while. It’s healing and freeing and enlightening. 

It’s been three months since I first wrote that letter to myself. It’s no wonder that the things I wrote about then are the still the same lessons that I struggle with now. I really do need to look at it with some perspective as it has only been a short time since I managed to find the words.  I didn’t intend to read it again until next year.  I certainly didn’t intend it to be a post for my blog.  However, since I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I stumbled upon this letter today, I have decided to share it with you. 

In fact, after having quite the pity party for myself this weekend, I know for certain that I stumbled upon this letter for a reason.

Dear future me,

I am writing this letter to you as you approach the one year mark in your new life.  When you read this letter next year, and the year after and the year after that, you will see just how far you have come.  Clarity takes time.  Since I know you better than anyone, I think I am fully qualified to write such a letter.

This letter will likely be painful for you to read — perhaps even more painful than it has been for me to write. It may bring back sad memories; it may make you wonder how this whole thing is going to turn out.  What you must know right now is that nobody wants you to succeed more than I do. 

I hope that you'll remember that you wanted to learn as much as you could from this experience to avoid making future mistakes and that in the end, you wrote this letter to remind yourself of all you do have.

Think back to those first hours, days, weeks, months. The pain, the heartache, the loneliness, the turmoil, the fear, the hopelessness, the lack of confidence, the feeling that you would be alone FOREVER.  Do you still feel those things now? Has the pain dulled a little?  Have you stopped crying at the drop of a hat?   When you read this letter a year from now, you will have time and healing on your side. You will wonder how you ever made it through.  Let me remind you.

Remember when your best friend took you and your kids into her home for the weekend, gave you a foot rub and let you cry while he moved his things out of the house.  Remember that is was this same friend who was there for you when you returned to a half empty house.  Remember the friend who waited on you hand and foot for an entire weekend because you just couldn’t fake a smile anymore.  Remember the other best friend who still takes you home after a hard day and makes dinner for you and your kids.  She is the one who ran down to your house at 10pm in her pajamas to comfort you when he told you about his 27yr old “girlfriend”.  You cried and she listened.  Remember the Christmas elves who surprised you by coming to the door with gifts for you and the kids because they knew you needed to feel love at that moment.  Remember the friends who picked you up and listened to you cry by sharing their stories so you knew you weren’t alone.  Remember your family who has always stood by you.  Remember the messages and texts and phone calls from people who care about you.  Remember the people who cared for you in those first months by distracting you with scary movies and terrible coffee. Remember the connections and reconnections you have made, how these people have lifted your spirit in ways you didn’t think was possible.  Think about the amazing support of people you don’t even know who follow your story.  Don’t forget that you flew across the country to indulge in a much needed re-charging and laughed for 6 days straight.  Flying…that’s huge for you.  (You need to travel more by the way)  These are things that will sustain you, help you live the life you deserve.  Continue to be grateful and pass it forward.

There will be struggle; there will be moments of complete melt down.  It will not always be this way.   You will have many things happen to you that you would not have chosen, and that’s ok. You will see that your life will be so different than it is from today.  Embrace it…learn from it…feel it.  Remember that no matter how hard things get, it won’t last for long.  Life ebbs and flows, it’s ok to be afraid, to feel sad.  It’s also ok to let go of the fear and guilt and live the life that is waiting for you.  Living is much better when you actually do it.

I know you have had moments of self-doubt, loneliness. It’s ok to feel what you feel…just don’t dwell on it for too long.  You will still have these moments in the months to come, but they become less intense, less heartbreaking and more easily managed.  Among these moments is where you will find strength, inner peace and clarity.  You will realize the life you thought you wanted wasn’t what was meant for you.  You are capable of so much more.  I am proud of you for handing this with grace and courage and for being gentle with yourself through the process.  For listening to your heart and doing what you know is right.  It takes great courage to come as far as you have. 

Don’t lose yourself in the” what if’s”, the “should haves” or the” could haves”.  Embrace the why not, the possibilities, the adventures.  Sure it’s scary, but you’re not going to get anywhere standing still.

Embrace the craziness of life with the kids.  They won’t remember the “stuff” but they will remember the time you spent with them.  Know that all the open dialogue, tears, hugs and kisses, showing of emotion, extra snuggles and midnight star gazing have made a difference in their lives.  You did that…you make life amazing for them.

Know that you will meet someone sweet and kind, who will move your very soul and embrace your weirdness. You will meet someone who understands you and who will support you.  You will find love and it will be more than you ever dreamed.  He will show you beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worthy of a happy ending.   He will be your best friend.  You will know what it feels like to be cared for and cared about.  He will love you for you.  Don't take him for granted, I promise you there is nothing better out there. And he is out there…it will happen when the time is right.

Stop worrying about what other people think.  Everyone will have an opinion of your life and what has happened.  The gossip, the constant defending of yourself, the lies, the half-truths…they don’t matter in the end.  What matters most is that you can walk away from all this with your head held high, with dignity and integrity intact.  You are not your past.

Some bridges are better burned.  You will see this is true.  Maybe not today, but you will.

Stop feeling guilty and stop playing the victim.  Yes, what has happened is horrible.  Its heart wrenching and sad and terrible.  Your “damaged” heart will heal.  You will live an amazing life.  But only if you stop this self-defeating guilt trip you lay on yourself.  You are not the first single mother and you won’t be the last.  So knock it off. 

Don’t worry so much about not having the life you thought you should have.  Don’t resent the people who have what you think you want and don’t let hatred poison your kind heart.   Karma will take care of all that.

People will treat you the way you let them treat you.  You know this.  Yet you continue to be a door mat.  Stop it.  As harsh as it sounds, get a backbone.  Sometimes you have to say no…and mean it.

Stop always doing the right thing, the safe thing.  Live with an open heart.  It’s risky, but the choice will reward you tenfold when the timing is right.  Step out of your comfort zone.  Do all the things you want to do.

Keep laughing.  Do it a lot.  It will save you from insanity.

Forgiveness is hard and it will come.  Living with regret and hurt is even harder.  Give yourself a break and let it be what it is for now.

Stop trying to control everything.  Haven’t you learned yet that you cannot do this?  There are some things you just cannot change…so stop trying to change them.  Instead, change the way you handle these annoyances.  Because in the grand scheme of things, that’s what they are, annoyances.

Have you even forgiven yourself yet?  No one is perfect.  And knowing how hard you can be on yourself, I ask that you forgive yourself first.  This was not your fault, in spite of what gossip network has to say.  You did not make him leave.  You did not make him choose a different path.  You did not prevent him from being happy.  He chose those things.  You enabled him.  We all make mistakes.  We all wish for a do-over at some point in our lives.  What has happened to you and your marriage does not define you.  It does not predict your future.  It will make you stronger and allow you to live a more peaceful life.  I know this one will be hard for you.  Just trust me on this one.

The loneliness and fear will subside.  There will come a time when you are comfortable with yourself and your path.  Don’t force it.  Strength will come in many forms and day by day you will find yourself stronger. Be patient, which I know is not your strong suit.  Know that the universe had a plan for you then and has huge plans for your future.  These events will lead you to a beautiful life full of peace and joy and love.  These events are aligned for you.  Just believe.

There are people who will shake your soul to the core and there are people who will steady it.  Spend more time with the people who steady it.

You are beautiful.  Even when you have spent the weekend alone, in your pajamas, crying your eyes out.

While we are on the subject of crying…I know you are a sensitive soul.  You put on a brave front, but deep down you are needy and emotional and scared of being left behind.  Enough of that.  Keep your sensitive side, it’s who you are.  Allow yourself to realize you don’t always have to be strong.  It’s ok to need help.  It’s ok to say I am tired.  It’s ok to say “no, I am not ok”. 

Think back to all you have accomplished…things you thought you would or could never do alone.  You took a huge risk writing your blog and publishing it for the world to read,  you took ballroom dancing lessons alone, you went to the movies by yourself, you conquered  the world of water softener salt, you finally managed your finances and know that “enough” is a state of mind, you took apart a sink drain and successfully put it back together, you are raising two amazing kids who are two of the kindest souls around, you manage your home maintenance, you work outside the home at a job that sometimes takes all you have, you run your own business , you scrape dead frozen mice off the walkway without too much girly screaming, you dug out your wedding box and dress, remembered the happiness and avoided burning it all.  You built a death star on Christmas morning without any tears.  Don’t forget you get out of bed every morning with an open heart.  That takes courage. 

Be proud…you did these things on your own. 

Re-examine who you think you should be and just be who you are, no apologies, and no excuses.  You are powerful, more powerful than you will admit. You have the power to change things.  Anything.  Everything.  I am proud of you for standing up for what you know is right…even when people told you that you were to blame.  You took the high road, continue on that road.  You may want revenge; you may want him to hurt as much as you have.  Don’t go there. 

Do you remember when you thought that you would never be whole again?  Do you remember when you could not see the light?  Do you remember when you thought that nothing would ever be the same?  News flash… things are not the same and you will be grateful for that.   You will see that for the amazing gift it is.  Know that your light is shining brighter every day.  Sometimes you let “stuff” cloud your vision, (there’s the control freak coming out again) but trust me, the light is there, strong and ready to take on the world.  Leave the “stuff” behind.  You will figure out a way how to do this.  You have come so far from those first months of heartache. You are amazing.  Keep going, keep moving forward even when you want to give up.

Breathe.

Be grateful.

Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve.  It’s a good look for you.

With all my love,

Me