Hey me too!

I am going to start off by saying…I am not looking for sympathy, pity or a cheering squad regarding this post.  (But cheer me on if you must, I really don’t mind lol)

The purpose of this post is to openly discuss, that deep down, single or not, we all have fears.  Some of us struggle with our self image, some of us with self esteem, for some of us it’s the fear of rejection, hurt, pain, judgement.

I am about to share mine with you.  So, in my always honest and blunt fashion, here we go.

My first few months of “dating” were more experimentation on my part.  What kind of qualities in a person do I like, what kind of things will I not tolerate and who I am as a single mother.  A strange, scary, bizzare trial and error to find out what I need.  Mistakes were made…more than I care to think about and the growing pains that come along with this new life of mine have taught me many lessons. Through these lessons I became fully aware of my tendency to sabotage any new person I saw after the second date.  There was a purpose behind that.  The voice in my head said, “stop this now before they find out who you really are and dump you first.”  A get them before they get you attitude gets you nowhere fast and not only are you nowhere, you’re alone.  Needless to say, I wasn’t ready and I am not sure I am even ready now.  Now that the novelty of “dating” has worn off, I find myself wanting something more, or should I say someone more.  It’s only natural I suppose to graduate from testing the waters to getting into a committed relationship at some point…but truth be told, I am scared to death. 

We all show the world who we want them to see.  For me, it’s a strong willed, funny, confident, independent woman.  That’s the face I choose for all of you to see.  I am actually all those things. 

However, underneath that face is a woman who is scared she will never be enough.  A woman who was so caught up in putting everyone else first that she became resentful and bitter.  A woman who cries (a lot) because no matter how hard she tries, she hears the harsh words said to her, still lingering in her head. A woman who could never do enough, clean enough, work enough, be enough, tolerate enough to make a marriage work.  A woman who, no matter how hard she tries to make everyone think she’s ok, is wondering why on earth anyone would choose her or what she has to offer.

I am fully aware these thoughts were put into my head during the long road to my marriage breakdown…nevertheless…if I think too much I start to wonder if they are true.  I think we all have our moments of self-doubt.  Not to worry…these thoughts don’t consume me. 

Forget about my abandonment issues (my shrink and I deal with that) but sometimes I wonder…if the person who knew me better than anyone, the person who promised to love me until death do us part could walk away… why wouldn’t someone else do the same.  That’s the risk you take I suppose.  But let me tell you a secret…I am not a risk taker.  I like comfort, security and knowing…perhaps why this whole process has been difficult for me. 

I focus everyday on putting positive energy out into the universe…I firmly believe in the law of attraction. It does work, trust me and 98% of the time I remain optimistic, but, being human, there are moments when I panic.  Is there someone out there who will embrace a scared, thirty something single mother with huge trust issues?  Is there someone really willing to take on my sensitive heart?  Is there someone who will understand my fierce devotion to my children?  Someone who will understand my insane need for approval?  Someone who will still want to wake up beside me years from now?  Someone who will see that the strong willed pain in the ass needs a gentle spirit to calm her?  I know what you’re thinking…these are my issues and rest assured I am not looking for someone to “change” me.  These are the things that make me who I am as much as the positive qualities.  A balance of light and dark if you will.  What scares me most is that once a new person gets past the “face” I put on and sees the real me…what will they think?  Will they go running for the hills or will they embrace the person that I am?  Insecurities and all?

I know I am not alone in this.  We all have our fears and hang ups. We all want to be accepted for who we are and that includes the bits of us that we work so hard to hide.   It really is a shame that we spent so much of our energy pretending that life is always rosy.  It’s during these moments of self-doubt that I wish other people would say “hey me too.”  So, that’s what I am doing.  To all of you, who need to hear it, who need to know you’re not alone, “hey me too.”

Perhaps it’s time I get beyond the second date.

Raw fish, motion sickness and inner peace...

So here I am back from vacation and it already feels like it was months ago that I was away (in reality it’s been a week)

Real life is definitely not as fun as vacation life, but alas…vacation life doesn’t pay the bills.

I conquered many fears on this trip.  Here they are in no specific order:

Flying was the big one.  And to be honest, it wasn’t that bad.  I think the company I had on the flight helped.   Of course I was slightly sweaty during take off and landing…and during turbulence…and having to pee on the plane…and wondering if anyone else heard me snoring while I dozed…oh and obsessing over why the wing was moving so much while we were zooming through the sky.  So, yes, fear of flying…conquered.  Well sort of.

My fear of heights.  This one was challenged on so many levels.  Nevermind the plane trip.  I really didn’t see too much of what was below me.  It was our cliff and mountain adventures that made me nauseated.  The Capilano suspension bridge, cliff walk and the cable car up a mountain (aka the tin can of death) however challenged my fear of heights.

 The suspension bridge is 450 feet (137m) across and 230 feet (70m) above the Capilano River, over some extremely pointy rocks and rushing water.  Not only that, it is supported only by cables and sways with any movement.  Trust me when I say I was paralyzed with fear at one point.  It took all I had to remove the death grip I had on the railing and just keep walking.  Thankfully my cousin pulled my camera off me so she could take some photos…otherwise there would be none. 

The cliff walk didn’t seem that scary to me until I actually saw the pictures of us on the side of a cliff.  Here is the actual description of the cliff walk off the website:  “This is the newest of the activities at Vancouver's Capilano Suspension Bridge. Open June 3, 2011, this heart-stopping cliffside journey takes you through rainforest vegetation on a series of unobtrusive cantilevered and suspended walkways jutting out from the granite cliff face above Capilano River to previously unexplored areas of the park. Not for the faint of heart, it is high and narrow and, in some sections, glass (very strong glass) is all that separates guests from the canyon far below.”   Yes, I nearly shit myself.

The cable car up Grouse Mountain (The peak of Vancouver) was another story.  It combined my fear of heights with my fear of being smothered to death as we were all shoved like sardines into the tin can of death (known to normal people, a cable car).  Exceeding 1,200 m (4,000 feet) in altitude at it’s peak, up we went.  The ride was so worth it.  It was like a whole other world up there.  Amazingly huge trees, wolves, and even a bear out of hibernation made the trip up worthwhile.  The best part was the view of the city below.  It was absolutely one of the best memories I will have of the trip.

My fear of public transportation.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Any kind of motorized vehicle that I am not driving.  My fear is not that I don’t have control over the vehicle, it’s that I have severe motion sickness.  Cabs, buses, trains, cars, boats…all make me queasy.  Just ask my poor cousin who had to endure a 3 hour road trip with me in the back of our grandma’s car one summer.  We spent a great deal of time on the side of the road that trip.  Anyway…since my cousin doesn’t own a vehicle (which after seeing the city of Vancouver, I say is a very smart idea) we took public transportation everywhere.  AND…I didn’t throw up…not even once.  I outsmarted the sea bus, the regular bus and even the skytrain.  Only one time did I feel like vomiting and I am not even sure if was motion sickness, but because of the annoyingly loud passenger behind me.  Side note to all those who use public transportation…please stop bathing in perfume/cologne.  Some of us like to be able to breath.  Thank you.

My fear of trying new things…stepping out of my comfy box.  Aside from the obvious heights, flying, transportation stuff, on this trip I ate raw fish for the first time, I ate at a Japanese noodle house for the first time, I ended up in the middle of a hobo market for the first and let me add the last time (don’t ask) and I learned that nothing beats a night of looking out the window of a condo commentating on the party at the Legion across the way.

I relaxed, let go and laughed.  Why is this listed under fears conquered you might be asking yourself.  It has to do with my fear of being out of control.  I like to know what I am doing, where I am headed, make a list and keep to my routine.  Outside of that I am anxious, nervous and quite honestly a bit of a pain in the ass.  So, when I actually accepted the fact that I deserved this trip and let go of the guilt, I literally laughed my ass off for 6 solid days.  It felt amazing to be with my cousins…it was just like when we were little.  Spending time with them was exactly what I needed.   We didn’t talk about anything serious or earth shattering.  We acted stupid, came up with the same stupid stuff we did as kids and cursed like sailors (much to the horror my cousin’s husband I am sure) I enjoyed every second, stopped admired the view (a lot lol) and appreciated the fact that I was able to absorb all of it.  I didn’t think about work, the house, the bills, the everyday stress, the ex and his crazy head games or whether my kids were ok (because I knew they were) It felt so foreign to me at first.  Letting go is hard.  Thankfully I got over it quick and breathed in the entire experience.

I have so much love and support in my life and to all of you, I say thank you from the bottom of my ever healing heart.  A big thanks to those of you who made my trip possible.  You know who you are.

I would say that my first trip away was a complete success.  The only problem I have now is…where should I go next?