Decoding the fish

I have been on enough dates to finally pose this question…What the hell do men want anyway?

They want an independent woman, but still want to be taken care of.

They want someone who will pursue them, but not like predator/prey pursuing.  I mean really…it’s a fine line and one that I still find unclear.  When does interest turn to stalking?

Do you text, do you not text.  And if you don’t text, do they think you aren’t interested?  If you text too much do they classify you as a clinger?

If they hesitate to give you their last name is it because they are wanted by the cops or are they a private person.

Are they just as terrified as women during this whole process?

Do they talk to their friends about their dates and analyze like I do with my friends?

When a woman isn’t interested, or says she isn’t, does that suddenly make the guy crazy for her?  (In my experience YES)

I went right to the source…one of the guys I “dated” in the beginning stages of my singlehood.  This is what he had to say.  Men like to be pursued and they like a woman who is upfront and honest.  Just be real and yes, send a text just because.  Sounds easy right? 

I am looking at this stage of my life as a learning experience.  Kind of like the training in the minor leagues to prepare for the big moment when you get called up to make the game winning play.  That being said, if there are dating rules, I am pretty sure I have broken all of them.  I am ok with that. 

I have dated 6 men, some only once, some more than once and varying in intensity and interest.  Out of the men I have dated, these are the things I have learned. 

It is imperative to know when to say “game over.”  Feelings schmeelings…sometimes you have to blunt.  (this works both ways, so be gentle, but firm)

Eye contact.  Don’t stare…it`s creepy.

Men are never too busy to call if they really like you.  Saying he`s busy is another way to say “I am an asshole.”

Drunk texting always leads to embarrassment.  Apologies to my friend Jeff.

Don’t play hard to get.  Be hard to get.

If the first date is treated like an interview, well then it’s an interview.

Don’t settle for anything less than butterflies.

Confidence and independence are interwoven but very separate.

Under no circumstances should you (the guy) take a girl by surprise in a parking lot at night to plant a sloppy kiss on them.  It doesn’t end well.

Be available but not desperate.  He really doesn’t need to know that you spent the weekend in your pajamas eating chocolate frosting out of the can. 

Don’t play games.  Text back when he texts.  Call back if you say you will.  At this stage, games are pointless.

Be yourself because if you do end up in a relationship, there aren’t any surprises. 

Be brave.  It’s scary out there. 

Take a risk with your heart and the walls you put up.  You never know.

Be clear about what you want.  Don’t sacrifice your morals for anyone.

Don’t be anyone`s replacement.

If you didn`t shave your legs before your date, you really aren`t that interested.

Each date gets easier and you are less likely to cling to every word/action a la Titanic style.

On the other side of the coin, I have deciphered some of the things that men say…pay attention single ladies…this is important.

He Says:   I really like you. 

He means:  I really like you.

He says (in the middle of a date):  It'll be great to show you the house I grew up in (or anything else that hints of the future).

He means:   See Above

He says:  "Girlfriend"

He means:   You've made him breakfast, he fixed your car and his buddies aren't allowed to come on to you.

He says:  I don’t want you falling in love with me.

He means:  I am falling in love with you.

He says:  Nothing's wrong. I'm fine.

He means:  I know you want to talk about my day and all my relationships with my colleagues and boss but I just want to drink 10 beers, eat a bag of chips and watch tv.

He says:   Maybe we need to slow down.

He means:   Maybe you need to slow down.

He says:   I don't know what I want.

He means:   I don't want you.

He says:   I need some space.

He means:   I'm about this close to dumping you but I haven't worked up the nerve yet.

He says:  Are you adventurous?

He means:  Hey, do you wanna try out my new nipple clamps this weekend?

He says:  What colour do you think our bathroom should be?

He means:  How comfortable are you being chained to my radiator?

He says:   You're an amazing woman.

He means:   You're an amazing woman.

 I am pretty sure that I make things harder than they have to be, but that`s all part of my psychosis, ahem, I mean charm.

So for now, I am rolling with whatever the universe brings me, enjoying finding me and will continue eating my chocolate frosting guilt free.