The post without a theme…or is it?

I post one day late and all hell breaks loose….It feels really good to know that all of you look forward to my blogging J

Thanks and welcome to all my new facebook page “likers” and also to my long standing supporters.

I was looking at the stats that facebook so kindly offers me.  I have followers from all over the world, every country, male and female, and 90% of my “likers” are women.  Single women, married women, remarried women.  All having felt the same things I have posted about in one aspect or another.  It’s an amazing feeling to know that in a few short months, I have reached so many people. 148,013 in the last month to be exact.  That amazes me!  I get daily private messages from people who are in the same boat as I am.  From people who have been through it and “survived”.  From people who just want to say thanks for a laugh.  From people who I recognize from “around town” and never thought they even knew who I was, standing behind me and cheering me on.  From my hugely supportive group of friends.  My family.  It’s amazing, humbling and appreciated.

Life has settled down into a bit of a routine.  Which is kind of strange.  There was a time not so long ago, that I felt the whole world was slipping right out from under me. 

Looking back at my early blog posts, there was fear, anxiety, sadness, devastation behind most of those words.  Now, I feel a peace that has been absent for a long time.  A very good friend of mine commented today on the way I have maintained such a positive attitude through this ordeal.  The only answer that came to mind was my kids.  Without them, this would be a very different story.  One that probably would have been left untold.

I have also learned that my anger or annoyance are more detrimental to myself than the actual people that anger me.  It’s a difficult task to keep my head above water sometimes, and yes, I will occasionally freak the hell out.  But, at the end of the day, it’s my responsibility to myself that reminds me that anger will only hurt me. 

I have also had to make some hard decisions to let go of some people in my life, or my life as I knew it, so I could move forward in a positive healthy way.  That was difficult but very necessary.  A lot of those people don’t understand it because unfortunately for them, they have not yet realized that they are not the centre of my universe.

Sure the anxiety and sadness creep up on me from time to time.  BUT, I find myself hurtling into a healthier frame of mind as each day unfolds, without much effort on my part.  This is karma in action.  I can handle the drama and shitshow he continually throws at me now.  I know I can raise these amazing kids on my own because I have been doing it all along and they are better for it.   I realize, no…I know, I deserve better than the life I was pretending I had. 

The same friend who commented on my “calmness” helped me compile a list of all the things I disliked about him.  It was a great way to purge the anger from my heart.  It was very therapeutic and somewhat sad.  I realized the list of selfish attributes he possessed far outnumbered the list of good qualities.  At one time it would have been the other way around. 

It made me sad to realize the life I had been living was his life, not mine.  That is probably one of the toughest things I have faced head on.  I turned a blind eye to the way he treated me, the kids, family, strangers in the past year, because I didn’t want to believe that the amazing, caring, loving man I married turned into a selfish, spiteful stranger.

People always ask me what happened?  What turned him into this person he has become?  Why did he give up a very normal, amazing family?  The only one who can truly answer that is him and he isn’t ready to truthful or accept responsibilities for his choices and decisions.

I made a comment at the very beginning of this journey, that this blog wasn’t going to be about him, his decisions and his reasons for leaving and I remain in that frame of mind.

This blog is about my journey, my awakening into the person I can finally be free to be. 

Today is the day I release all my fears, my worries and my hang-ups into the universe. Things have a way of happening when you have a trust that has no limits, that knows no bounds, a trust that transcends “knowing”. 

Today is about me.  Today I will no longer be under anyone’s shadow and it feels amazing.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Today-is-the-day/266430446735734

All boxed up

I had a few Christmas things to put away (I know, it should have been done a long time ago) and I came across the “wedding” box.  The saved invitations, programs, vows, guest list, cards all tucked away in one neat little box.  It really hit me then, that this was a life that was no longer mine.  No more could I say we were high school sweethearts who triumphed over all the nay-sayers and the people who wanted nothing more than for us to fail.  No more would I wear my veil around the house when I vaccumed, just because felt good and fun and familiar.  The family we built that started with that box…all disappeared in the blink of an eye. 

I pulled everything out…handling each item tenderly, as though it was made of glass, and would shatter any moment.  Each piece of paper, each flower, held so gently, afraid they would vanish from my hands reminding me that my life as I knew it, no longer exsists.

Memories of our first apartment with our second hand furniture came flooding back.   Suddenly, like an old black and white film, the last 20 years of my life played out before me.  How we met and the hurt that lingers knowing the person who introduced us is no longer here on earth, his proposal, our weekend road trips to nowhere, Saturday mornings in bed reading the newspaper to each other, our private jokes, the hugs that lasted too long and made us late for work, the loss of our babies, our triumphs, the births of our amazing children and how our world changed after their arrivals, the after supper dances in the kitchen when we held each other  with everything we had, the year we bought each other the same anniversary card.  The pain of knowing that isn`t my life anymore. The loss of friends who have decided that I am not so very interesting without him.  All of it, every detail, suddenly quite vivid in my mind.

I sometimes wish I could hate him for what he has done.  But I can’t.  The reasons he left were not dramatic, not because he found someone else and not because we didn’t have a normal, amazing life together.  I think that is what hurts the most.  If there was something, anything at all, that could make sense of this for me, for our kids, I would be able to focus.  There isn’t. 

I read and re-read the carefully folded paper that said everything we felt.  I held in my hands.  Remembering the vows and promises we made that day to each other, never thinking that we wouldn’t hold each other to those words.   If I think too much I am sure to drive myself crazy.

I sat for a while and mourned the loss of my best friend, my partner, our dreams and all the history we share.  What can you do with 20 years of love, trust and dreams?  You box it up neatly and store it in the back of the cupboard, keeping it just far enough out of reach, but close enough to know it’s there.  Someday I won`t need that box, but for right now I think I will keep it right where it is.

Testicles and hair straightening

My facebook status on Friday the 13^th read something along the lines of feeling my luck about to change for the better.  Cocky I know…this is where the universe comes in to remind me of my place.  When I left work that afternoon, I took a header in the snowy/slippery parking lot and landed flat on my ass and my left hand. I sat in the snow for a few minutes, half laughing, half crying, because it seriously hurt and I was seriously embarassed.  Finally I dusted myself off, got in my car and drove home, thinking nothing of it.  Except how entertaining it must have been to the cars driving by.

As the evening went on, I felt like something wasn’t right.  My wrist was sore and wasn’t moving the way it should, so after the kids were picked up by their dad, I decided to make the trip to the emergency room to get looked at.

Ok, ok I will admit, I am clumsy.  Really clumsy.  I have broken my right wrist, tripped, slipped, fell more times than I care to admit and have had a slight concussion from slipping off my front porch last winter.  Actually two concussions if you count that time I was running for the phone, misjudged the corner and ran into the wall, knocking myself backwards and landing squarely on my ass.  These don’t even include the episodes where alcohol was involved.  There’s just no way of keeping track of that.

Anyway…I am triaged and teary because they asked if my emergency contact was still my husband and I prepare myself for the expected 6-7 hour wait.  Not even one chapter into my book and I get called to go back into an examination room.  To my surprise, they call another patient at the same time and we are lead down the hallway.  I am sure of the other patient’s horror as we are taken into a room together only divided by a curtain and our social obligation to pretend the other isn’t there. 

Let me clear this up…the other patient was a male, my age and was there for some problems “down under” if you get my drift.  I felt so sorry for him.  Having to describe his symptoms, having a hands on exam and having to give a full description of how his testicle got so swollen with me on the other side of the curtain. I almost died, so I can’t imagine how he must have felt.

So there I sat, pretending to read my book, all the while, listening to this poor guy describe his “apple sized” testicle.   I mean really…apple sized?  Are we taking one of those small granny smiths or one of those huge ass red delicious?  Either way, I am sure he was mortified knowing I was on the other side of the curtain.  Seems that he slipped riding his bike and landed on the crossbar.

 As he was getting poked, prodded, probed and scanned, I waited, pretending that we were on the show “House”.  Maybe this poor guy has some crazy disease and the bike injury was just the catalyst that brought on some weird, one in a million condition?  My role was just one of the supporting cast, you know, the patient in the background with the broken wrist.  But this poor guy, his life could be in the balance.  I mean an apple sized testicle???  I started imaging all the tests they would do, the white board with suspected diagnosis scribbled all over it, the code blue when one of the giant testicles erupted and his heart stopped!  Dr. House making his grand entrance and ordering all kinds of fancy tests.  Yelling orders at the new, naïve doctors…the cute blonde one reviving me because I too have come down with a mysterious illness.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because people…when it snows and you are riding your bike, please be careful.  Also, if you are going to wipe out in a parking lot, tuck and roll, Tuck. And. Roll.

Anyway…back to the blog.

I was relieved to be called for my x ray. I bolted out as fast as I could, trying not to get a peek at the testicle, I mean patient, on the other side of the curtain.

Xrays complete, an intern’s diagnosis (not even a real doctor yet) and one plaster cast later, I am on my way home, not thinking about anything else, but how the hell I was going to straighten my hair with a cast on.  I mean seriously…my hair doesn’t lay flat naturally!  I am so screwed.  Ok…I was also thinking about a testicle the size of a red delicious apple, but that’s neither here nor there.

So the evening wears on, I get comfy in bed and surprisingly have a great sleep.  Saturday I notice that my arm is feeling a little hot under the cast…I mean burning hot.  I take another look at the instruction sheet that hospital gave me.  Hmmm…it says that’s normal.  Ok, then.

 The day went on, uneventful.  The kid’s dad actually came over shovelled my driveway AND offered to go to the drugstore to pick me up some pain medication.  I know…I am as confused as the rest of you.  Anyway, I had a glorious 4 hour nap and a relaxing evening. 

When I woke up Sunday morning, I noticed that I had a hive like rash coming up my arm, from under the cast, going all the way up past my elbow.  What the hell!  Lucky for me, the hospital forgot to give me the paperwork I needed for work, so back to the emergency room I go. 

Turns out, I am having an allergic reaction to “something” (the official diagnosis), the cast comes off and surprise surprise, I have full range of motion in my wrist.  They “suspect” that it’s not fractured at all and want to re-xray it.  I decline, telling them that I would rather walk around with a fully broken wrist than risk picking up whatever the hacking lady in the waiting room was suffering with.

Agreeing to wear my sling and not lift anything heavy, they let me go with a promise to appear at my ortho clinic appointment.  Little did she know, I had my fingers crossed behind my back. 

Feeling  great, I spent the day celebrating by running errands and browsing through stacks of old books at the local antique store.

All in all, my weekend was like an action packed movie.  I laughed, I cried, I straightened my hair.

To infinity and beyond

It’s not unusual for me to take the kids on an unexpected road trip, I do it a lot.  In the past, as a family of four, these roads trips were riddled with anxiety, arguments and impatient “hurry ups”.  Not this time.  Not as the amazing threesome we have become.

Hannah got a telescope for Christmas and has been dying to try it out.  My kids are fascinated with the moon, the solar system and how it all works.  Hannah wants to be a scientist and research space when she grows up. (Last year she wanted to run an ostrich rescue farm but who am I to discourage her dreams)  Grant of course will be the astronaut/jedi who brings her all the space samples to analyze.

Unfortunately, it’s been so cloudy here that there hasn’t been a good night to do it.  Seeing that the sky was only slightly cloudy, the kids begged me to head out to the driveway to try it out.  Too overcast and too bright, we didn’t see a thing.  Disappointment followed by sadness emerged and the kids slowly walked back to the front door.

I suddenly heard myself say, “Grant, go get mommy’s car keys and purse.”

I decided, on the spot to surprise the kiddos and take them on a back road trip, at night, in our jammies to have a look at the almost full moon. 

Armed with a telescope, binoculars, mini telescope, donuts for the kids and coffee for mom, we headed out in the car, into the country side where it was quiet and dark and still.

As we drove, the kids chatted quietly in the back about stars, aliens, planets, crop circles, meteors and the how the sun actually makes the moon glow. I learned that this August is a blue moon and that the Milky Way isn’t really made out of milk.  I sat and listened to the amazing conversation going on in the back seat and marvelled at how grown up they both sounded.

As we drove further, the city lights far behind us, I pulled over.  This is the part that is unlike me.  Pulled over, in the dark, on a back country road in my pajamas in January???  Normally I would have images of every horror movie I ever saw, visions of some truck not seeing us and plowing into the back of the car…every horrifying thought a mother could have.  But not tonight.  For some reason, I felt a peacefulness that hasn’t been present in me for quite some time.

I pulled over, left the car running with the lights on for safety, and let the kids enjoy the view.  A dark country road looks very different than it does in the day time when you are in a hurry to get wherever it is that is so important.  After a few minor adjustments with the telescope and realizing binoculars work better turned the correct way, we noticed that clouds were less thick than in the city. Seatbelts forgotten, crouched on their knees with heads and arms hanging out the windows, we enjoyed the magic of the moon.  The kids swore they saw a UFO and talked excitedly about someday travelling through space. Grant even offered to bring me back a star as a souvenir.

 I relaxed (which is somewhat difficult to do on the side of the road, in the dark with two kids hanging out the windows) sipped my coffee and sent a thought into the universe that the warmth and love I felt at that moment would be with me whenever I needed it.

It was then I realized…I don’t have to take them on pricey vacations, over rated lodges or theme parks.  (Although it would be nice)  I often feel bad that as a single mother I can’t afford the things/trips that their friends have.  But, for that half hour, on a back country road, in our reliable Honda Civic, we had the whole universe at our fingertips, which beats long line ups and hotel beds by lightyears.

What this fantastic, amazing, single girl has learned so far...

Ok…Over and over I have been told to “learn” from this experience.  Embrace it as an opportunity to grow.  In the months since becoming an amazing, fantastic independent woman, here are the things I have learned so far:

That it is never ok to eat chili before ballroom dancing.

Going to the movies alone is not only ok, but good for me.

I have the final say in where my life is going.

Online dating is terrifying, exciting and a little creepy all at the same time.

That my kids are going to be just fine.

Tea really does taste better out of a china cup.

I can change a wiper blade.

That cereal for dinner is just as good for as it is for breakfast.

That no matter how hard you try, you cannot make someone love you.

Actions always speak louder than words.

That cough medicine is a waste of money.

Broken hearts do mend.

That my kids think I am magic, so I am.

That I can say what I need to say.

That I have enough. 

The universe is always on my side because of what I put out there.

Super glue is forever.

An easy bake oven does not make edible food.

My friends love me regardless.

That money doesn’t buy class.

That it's ok to deny eating frosting right out of the can with a spoon.

That my house doesn’t have to look like the inside of a magazine…it’s comfortable and fun and sometimes messy and that’s ok.

No one will die if the laundry doesn’t get done right away.

That the dishes will wait until after the kids are in bed.

When you hear the words “uh oh” from the next room, it’s already too late.

Uncomfortable underware can ruin your whole day.

Focusing on the negative will only bring you negative.

Karma will happen.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

You can lie to anyone, but you can’t lie to yourself.

Always look in the oven before turning it on.

If you don’t take risks, nothing will change.


I am not all the things he said I was and I have the trail of dates to prove it.

Fear is a great motivator.

Time does heal...not completely, but it does.

Small town mentality will crush your soul if you let it.

Having the remote to myself isn’t as fun as I thought it would be.

Play doh is not dryer friendly.

That reading another chapter to the kids at night makes a difference.

That listening to my son sing “beat it” is extremely cute and annoying at the same time.

It’s better to be alone than in bad company.

If you are going to draw on the wall, make sure it’s behind the couch.

Lego men can be saved from the drain with tweezers and will power.

It’s ok to fall apart once in a while.

That the dog will only throw up on carpet when I am already late and about to leave the house.

That chocolate really can make a bad day better.

Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Money earned by myself is much more satisfying.


That I blush waaaay to easily.


That a crisis will definitely show you who your friends are.

I can do whatever I want and not have to ask, justify or explain myself to anyone.

Forgiveness is hard.

A ¼” and ½” are a huge difference when cutting your son’s hair with clippers.  Oops...it will always grow back.

That I don’t want another “comfortable” relationship. 


That no matter what, I still believe in love.

The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for years is being in a bad relationship for years plus one day.

Life is more fun when you stop caring what people think.

Stuff doesn’t make you happy.

No matter what, the kids will always miss the barf bucket when they are sick.

The light at the end of the tunnel is actually coming from me.  The closer I get, the brighter it becomes.

Who knew the mess of a girl I was a few months ago would turn out so smart :)