Ok, ok…so many of my amazing readers have been asking me since
my last post (Nov. 2012…where the hell did that time go?) when I was going to
write again. Emails, face book messages,
tweets have come steadily over the past year and a half…I am flattered that my writing has made such a difference to so many of
you. To be honest, I actually didn’t
think I would blog again. It was therapeutic for me initially. (And highly recommended by my
counsellor) I didn’t really intend for
my online journaling to affect so many people.
Peer pressure aside, I am going to blog again for another reason. In our small town of 30,000 people, I know of
SIX couples (in the last year alone) that have decided life would be better
apart. These are only the people that I
know, I am sure there are many more.
I actually sat and read through ALL my previous posts before
writing this, for two reasons. One
because I was ready to look back and two, because I needed to be reminded of
how far I have come. (If you are a new reader, grab the beverage of your choice, some tissue and start at the beginning)
Sometimes in the midst of living we forget to “live”. I guess I did this out of fear mostly. No one really likes change. Once my world turned upside down, I swore to
myself that I would live, something I hadn’t been doing even while married, let
alone while on my own those first few months.
So much has happened in my life since my “final” post. I have been purposely busy, engaged in my own
life and have learned the power of boundaries.
I have been an active participant in my own life. Amazing right??? Here are the highlights:
First and foremost, I met an amazing man who accepts me for
who I am, quirks and all. He has pushed
me right out of my comfort zone with love, gentleness and support. Two years later, we are very much committed
to similar goals, values and each other.
I went on a 4000 km roundtrip road trip to Nova Scotia. I camped people…like in a tent. On the ground. In a sleeping bag. And guess what? I have camped since. Shocking I know.
I whale watched in a zodiac on the ocean. I puked for three hours straight and
seriously considered throwing myself overboard to end my suffering, but I damn it, I lifted my head
from the side of that boat long enough to
see a humpback and an Orca.
I ate fresh (like right from the ocean next to our tent)
mussels for the first time in my life, got hives and will never eat mussels
again.
I was diagnosed with diabetes and made huge lifestyle
changes. All those “crazy” years were
just unstable blood sugar. Go figure.
I changed jobs (well, I went back to my old job which was
kind of a new job, but still feels like my old job with a few more responsibilities…which
I am so grateful for)
I climbed an escarpment, I zip lined and took many more road
trips (with more to come)
I had major surgery.
I became an official statistic with my divorce being
finalized in September 2013.
I burned some bridges (with a blow torch and gasoline) and I
built and rebuilt a few too.
I turned my house into “my” house. It felt so foreign for so long that I wasn’t
sure we could stay here.
While you are in the middle of your day to day routine you
really don’t see the progress you have made until you steady yourself and breathe. Now that I have written all those things down
and can visually take stock, I can see that I have been kicking ass at this
life thing the whole time.
HOWEVER…there are some things that I wish to pass along. For all of you, no matter where you are
in your journey, here are the things that you might relate to and some things that might give you some hope.
Your cheerleaders will go home (most of them) and that’s
ok. They have lives of their own and
life moves on with or without you. The
few that stick around are important. Be the same support for them when the need
it.
You will collapse into bed at the end of a very long day,
very long week, very long month, very
long year, wondering how you will carry on, but you will do it.
You will feel a kind of loneliness when you
have nothing to contribute to the water cooler conversation that starts with “my
husband…” (insert annoying habit, a family vacation, a new anniversary ring, surprise
flowers etc…)
You will come to accept that your “married couples club”
membership has been revoked. You are no longer part of that club. And now you
are either in the singles club or trying to make a new relationship work
without falling into the same patterns that got you kicked out of the club in
the first place.
You will try not to feel sad, jealous, envious, angry at all
of the engagements/weddings/anniversary gifts/family trips/ that bombard you on
a daily basis. But it’s hard…really hard
not to feel cheated in a way. I swear
face book will be the death of all of us on this one. Damn you social media.
You will learn to accept and eventually embrace an empty
house. You will never fully enjoy
sharing the kids. Hopefully the shitty
feeling you get when you say your goodbyes will fade.
You will figure out how to make $1.00 stretch into $5.00 and
get very little sleep when the bills are due.
You will struggle with being grateful with what you have and
wanting more.
You will get stress hives all over your chest, neck and face
from lack of sleep and anxiety. This
rash will require a prescription. Trust
me on this one.
You will think about your past actions (over and over) and
wonder “how the hell did I get here” You will eventually take responsibility
for your part and move forward. (Well,
most of us will)
You will find that your gratitude list (another counsellor
recommendation) is hard to complete some days.
For example...not too long ago my gratitude list had one comment only "I am grateful for this super awesome gel pen and that I am not illiterate" Like I said, sometimes it's hard.
You will feel frustrated, angry, bitter, sad, powerless and
overwhelmed. Be gentle with
yourself. But not so gentle that you
can’t hoist up your big girl panties and get the hell on with life.
You will learn that you cannot control everything. Faith,
patience, breathe. Repeat.
You will find yourself in the middle of the bed (instead of
on your side) and think “damn, this is alright”
You will find out who you really are and probably like that
person a whole lot.
You will lie awake at night overthinking, analyzing and
worrying. Don’t do this worrying on
“your side”. Move to the middle and own
that bed!
You will consider becoming the crazy cat lady. Don’t do it.
You will grieve, grow, feel and grow some more. So when some time has passed, and you can
actually breathe without cracking, stop being a party pooper.
You will stop crying every time the kids leave for the
weekend.
You will soon find out who really cares about you (and be
grateful for this knowledge) and you will also soon find out who doesn’t give a
shit about you (and you will be grateful for this too)
You will find that financial independence is terrifying and
exciting at the same time. Kind of like
my whale watching trip.
You will feel guilt.
A giant load of mother f’in guilt over lots of things.
You will find an inner power that you never knew was
there.
You will heal.
You will eventually figure out that you alone are
responsible for your own happiness.
Most importantly…
You will be ok. Even
if you can’t see it, you will be more than ok.
