Hey me too!

I am going to start off by saying…I am not looking for sympathy, pity or a cheering squad regarding this post.  (But cheer me on if you must, I really don’t mind lol)

The purpose of this post is to openly discuss, that deep down, single or not, we all have fears.  Some of us struggle with our self image, some of us with self esteem, for some of us it’s the fear of rejection, hurt, pain, judgement.

I am about to share mine with you.  So, in my always honest and blunt fashion, here we go.

My first few months of “dating” were more experimentation on my part.  What kind of qualities in a person do I like, what kind of things will I not tolerate and who I am as a single mother.  A strange, scary, bizzare trial and error to find out what I need.  Mistakes were made…more than I care to think about and the growing pains that come along with this new life of mine have taught me many lessons. Through these lessons I became fully aware of my tendency to sabotage any new person I saw after the second date.  There was a purpose behind that.  The voice in my head said, “stop this now before they find out who you really are and dump you first.”  A get them before they get you attitude gets you nowhere fast and not only are you nowhere, you’re alone.  Needless to say, I wasn’t ready and I am not sure I am even ready now.  Now that the novelty of “dating” has worn off, I find myself wanting something more, or should I say someone more.  It’s only natural I suppose to graduate from testing the waters to getting into a committed relationship at some point…but truth be told, I am scared to death. 

We all show the world who we want them to see.  For me, it’s a strong willed, funny, confident, independent woman.  That’s the face I choose for all of you to see.  I am actually all those things. 

However, underneath that face is a woman who is scared she will never be enough.  A woman who was so caught up in putting everyone else first that she became resentful and bitter.  A woman who cries (a lot) because no matter how hard she tries, she hears the harsh words said to her, still lingering in her head. A woman who could never do enough, clean enough, work enough, be enough, tolerate enough to make a marriage work.  A woman who, no matter how hard she tries to make everyone think she’s ok, is wondering why on earth anyone would choose her or what she has to offer.

I am fully aware these thoughts were put into my head during the long road to my marriage breakdown…nevertheless…if I think too much I start to wonder if they are true.  I think we all have our moments of self-doubt.  Not to worry…these thoughts don’t consume me. 

Forget about my abandonment issues (my shrink and I deal with that) but sometimes I wonder…if the person who knew me better than anyone, the person who promised to love me until death do us part could walk away… why wouldn’t someone else do the same.  That’s the risk you take I suppose.  But let me tell you a secret…I am not a risk taker.  I like comfort, security and knowing…perhaps why this whole process has been difficult for me. 

I focus everyday on putting positive energy out into the universe…I firmly believe in the law of attraction. It does work, trust me and 98% of the time I remain optimistic, but, being human, there are moments when I panic.  Is there someone out there who will embrace a scared, thirty something single mother with huge trust issues?  Is there someone really willing to take on my sensitive heart?  Is there someone who will understand my fierce devotion to my children?  Someone who will understand my insane need for approval?  Someone who will still want to wake up beside me years from now?  Someone who will see that the strong willed pain in the ass needs a gentle spirit to calm her?  I know what you’re thinking…these are my issues and rest assured I am not looking for someone to “change” me.  These are the things that make me who I am as much as the positive qualities.  A balance of light and dark if you will.  What scares me most is that once a new person gets past the “face” I put on and sees the real me…what will they think?  Will they go running for the hills or will they embrace the person that I am?  Insecurities and all?

I know I am not alone in this.  We all have our fears and hang ups. We all want to be accepted for who we are and that includes the bits of us that we work so hard to hide.   It really is a shame that we spent so much of our energy pretending that life is always rosy.  It’s during these moments of self-doubt that I wish other people would say “hey me too.”  So, that’s what I am doing.  To all of you, who need to hear it, who need to know you’re not alone, “hey me too.”

Perhaps it’s time I get beyond the second date.

Raw fish, motion sickness and inner peace...

So here I am back from vacation and it already feels like it was months ago that I was away (in reality it’s been a week)

Real life is definitely not as fun as vacation life, but alas…vacation life doesn’t pay the bills.

I conquered many fears on this trip.  Here they are in no specific order:

Flying was the big one.  And to be honest, it wasn’t that bad.  I think the company I had on the flight helped.   Of course I was slightly sweaty during take off and landing…and during turbulence…and having to pee on the plane…and wondering if anyone else heard me snoring while I dozed…oh and obsessing over why the wing was moving so much while we were zooming through the sky.  So, yes, fear of flying…conquered.  Well sort of.

My fear of heights.  This one was challenged on so many levels.  Nevermind the plane trip.  I really didn’t see too much of what was below me.  It was our cliff and mountain adventures that made me nauseated.  The Capilano suspension bridge, cliff walk and the cable car up a mountain (aka the tin can of death) however challenged my fear of heights.

 The suspension bridge is 450 feet (137m) across and 230 feet (70m) above the Capilano River, over some extremely pointy rocks and rushing water.  Not only that, it is supported only by cables and sways with any movement.  Trust me when I say I was paralyzed with fear at one point.  It took all I had to remove the death grip I had on the railing and just keep walking.  Thankfully my cousin pulled my camera off me so she could take some photos…otherwise there would be none. 

The cliff walk didn’t seem that scary to me until I actually saw the pictures of us on the side of a cliff.  Here is the actual description of the cliff walk off the website:  “This is the newest of the activities at Vancouver's Capilano Suspension Bridge. Open June 3, 2011, this heart-stopping cliffside journey takes you through rainforest vegetation on a series of unobtrusive cantilevered and suspended walkways jutting out from the granite cliff face above Capilano River to previously unexplored areas of the park. Not for the faint of heart, it is high and narrow and, in some sections, glass (very strong glass) is all that separates guests from the canyon far below.”   Yes, I nearly shit myself.

The cable car up Grouse Mountain (The peak of Vancouver) was another story.  It combined my fear of heights with my fear of being smothered to death as we were all shoved like sardines into the tin can of death (known to normal people, a cable car).  Exceeding 1,200 m (4,000 feet) in altitude at it’s peak, up we went.  The ride was so worth it.  It was like a whole other world up there.  Amazingly huge trees, wolves, and even a bear out of hibernation made the trip up worthwhile.  The best part was the view of the city below.  It was absolutely one of the best memories I will have of the trip.

My fear of public transportation.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Any kind of motorized vehicle that I am not driving.  My fear is not that I don’t have control over the vehicle, it’s that I have severe motion sickness.  Cabs, buses, trains, cars, boats…all make me queasy.  Just ask my poor cousin who had to endure a 3 hour road trip with me in the back of our grandma’s car one summer.  We spent a great deal of time on the side of the road that trip.  Anyway…since my cousin doesn’t own a vehicle (which after seeing the city of Vancouver, I say is a very smart idea) we took public transportation everywhere.  AND…I didn’t throw up…not even once.  I outsmarted the sea bus, the regular bus and even the skytrain.  Only one time did I feel like vomiting and I am not even sure if was motion sickness, but because of the annoyingly loud passenger behind me.  Side note to all those who use public transportation…please stop bathing in perfume/cologne.  Some of us like to be able to breath.  Thank you.

My fear of trying new things…stepping out of my comfy box.  Aside from the obvious heights, flying, transportation stuff, on this trip I ate raw fish for the first time, I ate at a Japanese noodle house for the first time, I ended up in the middle of a hobo market for the first and let me add the last time (don’t ask) and I learned that nothing beats a night of looking out the window of a condo commentating on the party at the Legion across the way.

I relaxed, let go and laughed.  Why is this listed under fears conquered you might be asking yourself.  It has to do with my fear of being out of control.  I like to know what I am doing, where I am headed, make a list and keep to my routine.  Outside of that I am anxious, nervous and quite honestly a bit of a pain in the ass.  So, when I actually accepted the fact that I deserved this trip and let go of the guilt, I literally laughed my ass off for 6 solid days.  It felt amazing to be with my cousins…it was just like when we were little.  Spending time with them was exactly what I needed.   We didn’t talk about anything serious or earth shattering.  We acted stupid, came up with the same stupid stuff we did as kids and cursed like sailors (much to the horror my cousin’s husband I am sure) I enjoyed every second, stopped admired the view (a lot lol) and appreciated the fact that I was able to absorb all of it.  I didn’t think about work, the house, the bills, the everyday stress, the ex and his crazy head games or whether my kids were ok (because I knew they were) It felt so foreign to me at first.  Letting go is hard.  Thankfully I got over it quick and breathed in the entire experience.

I have so much love and support in my life and to all of you, I say thank you from the bottom of my ever healing heart.  A big thanks to those of you who made my trip possible.  You know who you are.

I would say that my first trip away was a complete success.  The only problem I have now is…where should I go next? 

I am leaving on a jet plane…

Now that the dust has settled, I know I am more than what I thought I was.  This new found “me” has extraordinary things planned.

My life has settled into a comfortable routine, a knowing that all is going to be ok.  It’s a peace and contentment that has been absent from my world for a while. 

In order to get to this place, I made some very conscious decisions.  I choose to distance myself from the small town gossip network because I didn’t want to allow my spirit to wither away in it all and I really didn’t think I was strong enough to withstand it.  It turns out, I can…and I am still standing with my head held high and my dignity intact.  I choose to write this blog as a way of expressing my anguish, my fear, my anger and my new found joy.  By making this choice I drove myself forward to where I am now and squashed the gossip at the same time.  I choose to make a decision every morning to “let it go” and give myself permission to live, to be myself.  I choose to accept that his decision really had nothing to do with me.  I choose to be happy or not.   

Getting to this place (far from where I want to be, but even farther from where I was) was and is hard…I mean really hard.  But I did it.  I am doing it.

Yes, there is contentment, a peaceful embracing of my new world, but my journey is far from over.

To celebrate this awakening of myself, I am headed on a wee vacation.

In 2 days I will be going on an adventure that will once again redefine who I am.  Maybe in a small way, maybe in a big way.   I will be on a plane, headed for my first trip without my kids.  I am excited, I am sad, I am guilt ridden, I am terrified, I am exhilarated.

This trip is going to challenge me in a lot of ways.  My fear of flying (ok, it’s really a fear of crashing), leaving my kids for 6 days (never done that before), my fear of heights (watch for the terrifying updates from the suspension bridge I will be clinging to) and getting to find out who I am without all the “stuff” that surrounds my day to day life.  There will be laughter and quite possibly some tears.   

I read somewhere once, “Who could you be if you took the limits away?”  I guess the simple answer is:  Just me. 

Must smell good...

It was inevitable.  Once I acknowledged how much time has actually passed since I became “single and fantastic”, I realized it was time to have the “dating” discussion with the kids.

Let’s be honest, I have been dating on and off for the last 6 months, but the kids weren’t aware of it or prepared for it. There is no reason the kids need to know about my dating life, until it matters.   Actually, the only reason we had the discussion is because their dad is openly dating.   I came to the decision that it’s time to start easing them into the idea that is it quite possible that their mom isn’t going to stay permanently wedged on the couch.

Last night, while we were snuggled up in my bed, like we always are, I casually brought up the subject of “dating.”  I was concerned that I was going to be met with resistance, tears and general defiance.

Surprisingly, both kids had pretty specific ideas for me and my dating life and seemed pretty eager to let me in on their opinions.  They must have discussed it previously, because they had been prepared with quite the list of qualities, traits they had in mind for me.  It was actually quite similar to my list I had blogged about way back in November.

http://www.adventuresinfindingme.blogspot.ca/2011/11/list.html

Here is what my kids have in mind for me:

He can’t make you cry.  (Well not to hurt your feelings.  If you cry because he brings you flowers, that’s ok)

He can’t have a face full of piercings.

Tattoos are ok, but not scary ones.

He has to smell good.

He should like board games.

He will let you be yourself and won’t be worried when you want to sit on the grass under a tree and meditate.

He will understand you are magic and not be afraid.

He will have kids so we have someone to play with.  But not a baby because babies are boring.

He should be nice to us because he wants to be and not pretend.

He shouldn’t have another girlfriend.

He shouldn’t text at the dinner table.

He won’t lie.

He can’t be a yeller.

You can’t get married again…ok maybe in 5 years.

He should be silly and fun but responsible.

And finally…my favourite…

His heart should be big and kind.

Those kids really are amazing.

Decisions, decisions...

Change is coming.  I can feel it in the spring breeze that blows through my front window.  A force that is pulling me, telling me it’s time. It will take me in a new direction whether I think I am ready or not.

The idea of new possibilities, new beginnings, new memories makes me giddy but terrifies me at the same time.  I am overwhelmed with the urge to start again, a do-over if you will, but am somewhat fearful that I will make the wrong decisions.  I almost always follow my heart, but this time my head keeps interrupting.  Perhaps because when change comes, it will be permanent.  Permanent is a hard thing to grasp. 

How do you move forward when everywhere you turn in your home is a memory of the past you loved so much?

How do you move forward when everywhere you turn in your home is a memory of the falling apart?  The echos of a marriage falling apart seemly trapped within these walls.

A home now filled with heaviness and regrets and wishes that will always be just out of reach.  No, we just can’t stay.  Can we?

My thoughts are consumed with a new space, one that is lighter, brighter, ours…and perhaps I could breathe again.  Perhaps the ability to breathe again is in me, regardless of where I make our home.

Sometimes the wind tells me to run, take the kids and run far away to start again. To be unknown with no judgements, no gossip, no reminders.  Running is easy.  My heart tells me to stay. 

Maybe we will stay in our home, reclaim it, redecorate it and cleanse its walls, and in the process, cleanse ourselves.  Redecorate the kid’s rooms, paint the walls in outrageous colours, move furniture, purge the past and bring light to our home once again.  After all, the light comes from the very centre of us no matter where we go. 

Then again, maybe we won’t stay and go forward onto a new adventure.

That’s the most exciting part…I can choose the path, I can stay or go.

Yes, I feel a change coming to our amazing little family.  Healthy, loving, joyful change. 

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Today-is-the-day/266430446735734

Wait…I get car sick!

In an effort to sling shot the new and improved “me” into the world, I have tried numerous things that would challenge me.  Since I am a planner, all of these things are arranged in advance, because I have, let’s say, a bit of a control issue ;)

So….when I am in the midst of doing something I have never done before, have not pre-planned and have no control over, I find myself practically hysterical!

This is what happened this past weekend.

An innocent lunch out turned into an off road trip!  Never been off roading before, I assumed we would take a few gravel roads and be done with it.  Not so my friends.  We REALLY went off roading.

I don’t even ride rollercoasters, which I guess should be on my list of things to conquer.

Anyway…as we travelled down a safe, paved country road, in safe, secure jeep, I was surprised when we turned into what looked like a grass path beside a farmer’s field.

Immediately I questioned whether we were going to get into trouble because the signs I saw posted clearly said “private property”. 

Let’s back track here a bit.  I never do anything bad, illegal or suspect.  Never. 

Even in high school…I was a “good girl”.  Never missed a curfew, didn’t smoke, didn’t try drugs, didn’t drink, didn’t skip school.  Ok, I did once, but I felt really bad about it.

Anyway…back to the jeep.  As we travelled along this grassy path, I really start getting concerned.  I mean, what if the property owners see us.  Farmers have big dogs.  I am terrified of big dogs and they know it.  So naturally the vicious farm dog is going to eat me first. 

We keep driving until we come around a bend to an open grassy area.  There are hills, and I mean vertical hills, there are ditches, there are rocks (big rocks) and trees…lots of trees. 

The jeep stops and I know that the driver is considering which hill will terrify his passengers the most.  He guns the engine and heads straight for a vertical hill and we get half way up.  We don’t even make it all the way up, that’s how vertical this hill is and we roll back down (backwards).  I am pretty sure he did it for effect, but regardless, between closing my eyes, screaming and holding on, I am not finding his maniacal laughter very reassuring.  Did I mention that this hill is also covered with large, sharp rocks? 

We eventually go flying up and over the hill and before I can let out a scream, we are hurtling sideways down an embankment, turning so sharply I am fully convinced we are going to tip over.  At one point I looked out my window and saw the ground…level with the window.  I am pretty sure I asked him to promise me that I wouldn’t die because my kids needed me. 

We continue on, up and over hills, through mud and grass. Dirt and rocks flying, plowing over small trees, we drive and bounce until I am pretty sure I am going to be sick.  Over a small bridge, around bends, over hills.  Breathless from laughing, I decide that this was in fact one of the best afternoons I have had in a long time. 

Being forced out of my comfort zone, not having planned the afternoon and having no control, I found myself loving every second of it.  Who knew?

Forget that a tree branch came through my open window and whacked me in the head (ya I know, I should have closed my window, but I needed the air), I really enjoyed being scared silly.

Eventually we stopped at the top of a grassy spot, firstly because the other passenger and I had to pee, and secondly, the view was quite peaceful.  It felt so good to feel the fear of falling, defying gravity and being able to full out laugh while in the middle of it. Even the talk of coyotes didn’t scare me…much.   For a while I didn’t think of anything other than what was in that moment.  That’s an amazing thing.

It was even better being able to share it with a person in my life who I reconnected with recently and it was like time never had passed.  She has been a constant source of encouragement during my transition and this little adventure was definitely something I wouldn’t have wanted to go on with anyone else.

It never ceases to amaze me that the people in my life always seem to know when I need a boost.  Whether in comes in the form of having dinner cooked for me, a shoulder to cry on, an empathetic ear to vent to or a crazy off road driver, I am always left with a heart full of gratitude. 

Today was the day that I learned to put my faith in someone else. Mission accomplished.


http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Today-is-the-day/266430446735734

Laughter, legos and grubby hands

In the midst of the chaos, the what if’s, the worry, the anxiety of my new life, there are small moments to be grateful for. 

These moments are fleeting and often go unnoticed while we are busy living, but are important just the same, maybe even more important than the big events.

Do we ever really stop to think about how amazing our lives are?  Sure, life can be hard…it can be downright devastating, but we all have those little moments that deserve to be recognized with gratitude.

Over the past year, I have really had to take stock of what’s important in my life and what isn’t.  Not only did this include the material things in my life, but the spiritual and emotional as well. 

I have been thinking a lot about a friend of mine who lost her 11 year old son to cancer.  Jacob’s amazing spirit reminds me to embrace every moment and let the minor annoyances be just that.

I have thought a lot lately about my daughter’s heart surgery 7 years ago and just how much she has overcome.  Her amazing spirit and strength inspires me every day.

I think about my son every day as he struggles to understand his role in our new family.  His courage and compassion remind me just how wise he is and how lucky I am to be part of his journey.

So…when I have days like I have had over the last week (busy, stressful, emotional) I remove myself from the chaos and remind myself how extremely grateful I am to have the simple joy of the living the life I have chosen for my path.

When I don’t  want to be the one making lunches every morning,  I make the lunches because I know that if I didn’t, my kids wouldn’t get their “I love you note” for the day.

When I don’t want to look after other people’s pants, shoes, games, bracelets, lego men, I take a step back and think about what my life would be without them.

When I don’t want to have to work on our budget that seems like it will never be enough, I take a deep breath and know that yes, we have enough.  “Enough” is a state of mind.

When I don’t want to have to share my space, my stuff, my everything with anyone, I remind myself that time is slipping away.  I snuggle a little longer, I hold on a little tighter and I get teary when my daughter leaves the house wearing my shoes, because now they actually fit.

When it’s 10pm and I hear the giggles drifitng from upstairs, and I really just want to yell up stairs “go to sleep” (and sometimes I do) I often sit at the bottom of the steps and just listen to their laughter so that one day when the house is quiet, I can remember the sound.

When my son comes inside covered in filth and lets me wash his hands and face, and I see that he is growing before my very eyes and he still feels so small, I am grateful to have those little hands in mine.

When my tween daughter comes downstairs dressed totally in her own ”unique” style, I can still see the little girl who at one time looked to me to find her “baby soup” (bathing suit) I hold back tears and am grateful to be able to watch her grow into her own person.


When all I really want to do is sit and be still for a moment and the kids just have to see Venus because the sky is clear, I go, because I know that those memories will stay with them and me as well.

When we are rushed in the morning to make the school bus on time and I find myself yelling to “hurry up”, I stop, take a breath and remember that there will come a day, much too soon, they won’t want me at the school bus.

When my kids climb into my bed in the middle of the night and I struggle to sleep in the foot of space I am left with, I snuggle a little closer and embrace the warm breath that brushes my cheek.

So it’s these little moments that bring me back to what really matters.  Our happiness doesn’t lie in more stuff, more money or if my kids look like they just stepped out of a J-Crew magazine.

It lies in what our family is built on…grubby little hands that will still hold mine, my shoes, late night laughter and legos.