Free Spirit seeks patience...is it possible?

I am restless. 

Perhaps this is part of the process, part of the healing, part of the moving forward. 

I am restless to move ahead in my personal life, to stop being in this middle place.  What’s stopping me?

I am restless in my job.  I want to do more.  I want to make a difference and be recognized for what I can contribute.  Is it time for a change?

I am restless with my spiritual growth.  I am free to be, to practice, to embrace the spiritual side of myself that has been living quietly for many years.  What’s holding me back?

I am restless to do more, to give more, to be more than I am right now.  How do I allow courage to win over apprehension?

Typically I am fearless…jumping into everything I do with enthusiasm, faith and a strong will.  I am still that person, but the events, the people in my life during the past year have altered that somewhat.  I still give my whole heart and soul into everything I do and to everyone I meet.  But, I have become more cautious.  I am learning that I cannot plow forward forcefully, no matter how much I desire to. I cannot “make” things happen just because I want them to happen. I have learned that there are other forces at work that align me into the right positions at the right times. The universe always knows what I need and when I need it, regardless of how hard I try to make my wishes come true.  This is where faith comes in.  It was a lesson that I had to learn…one that I fought at first.  Then, one day I woke up and realized; it’s ok to be lead gently.  It’s ok to let the universe guide me.  It’s ok to acknowledge the gentle nudges that have brought me this far.  It’s ok to look for the subtle clues that will guide me to where I need to be. 

Nevertheless, I am restless.  Impatient for the next phase. 

I can feel the reset button close at hand, but it’s elusive at this moment.  Just out of reach.  I can feel it, its close, but not close enough to touch.  I feel ready for the next great chapter to begin, to push ahead.  Pushing, as I have learned, never works.  Perhaps the universe is gently telling me it’s not time, perhaps there are a few more things for me to learn before my new chapters are to be written.  These guide posts will appear when they are meant to appear, lighting the way for me.  Patience is required on my part.  I know this. 

I like my free spirit. I get excited about possibilities and whole heartedly appreciate life. I absorb the small moments, letting the moments be what they are.  But some of the time, I am in such a hurry to get to the “good stuff” that I miss the great stuff along the way.  I get wrapped up in the big picture, because the world seems to hold so much for me that I often have to tell myself, stop and just breathe. 

I am romantic at heart and a star gazer to the very core.  That in combination with a restless spirit makes for a difficult transition.  I am content, I am restless.  I live in the moment, I am a daydreamer.   I am practical and pensive, I use my heart as my guide.  I am responsible and reliable, I long to be free of restrictions.  I am intelligent and soulful, I am silly.  I am strong, but easily hurt.  Finding the balance is the key. 

I often have to stop and give myself a reality check and realize how far I have come and how much I have conquered. And I remind myself of the necessity of this journey.  

Nevertheless, I am restless.  Waiting for the alignment of stars.

Can a free spirit ready to burst forth and take on the world also be patient, trusting that she is exactly where she needs to be?  I think so.  My senses are wide open to the clues on how to get there. 

Today is the day that I continue to move forward, small steps, large steps, running fast and free if necessary, but always with a heart full of gratitude and faith that this journey is leading me somewhere amazing. 

Let it be...and have a laugh while you're at it.

The past few posts have been pretty heavy…betrayal, heart break, deception, revenge.  It’s a little much…I am starting to feel like my life resembles a late night 80’s soap opera. 

Yet through all the chaos, I can still see the humour and joy that sneaks into my life, usually unexpected, but always appreciated.  Really, who doesn’t need some laughter in their day?

Until recently, I haven’t really felt like smiling a whole heck of a lot.  Once I figured out that I control the path I take, I control my actions and reactions….I can choose to be miserable or happy…I felt the happiness creep back into my heart.  It was like a giant smiley face smacked me upside the head.

Happiness, laughter, joy...they are simple and powerful and healing.

Those three things seem to wind their way into my every day, and mostly it’s the simplest things that make me smile. 

A few weeks ago after a particularly nasty argument with my ex regarding something that I can’t even recall now, I remember thinking; just shut your mouth or karma is going to bite you in the ass my friend.  When he showed up the next day to pick the kids up, he was sporting 6 stitches across his upper lip.  Seems that he got a ball in the mouth at baseball and I had to laugh…that my friends is karma at its finest.  I laughed about that for days.

When my kid’s fish died and they asked me what I had done with him, I responded with “I flushed him.”  My daughter’s shrieking reply of “That’s no way to honour the dead!” had me turning my head to stifle a giggle so I could appear horrified I had done such a thing.

The day that I found out that my son proclaimed math was for “chumps” and he didn’t need it because his lifelong dream of being a pirate didn’t require grade 2 math, kept me chuckling.

How about when a bird shits on you while you are inside your car, under a covered drive through bank machine.  That's funny in all kinds of ways.

Listening to my kids decide who would win in a fight, Darth Vader or Dumbledore, always puts a smile on my face.  As a side note, Dumbledore would kick ass.

Being silly brings me joy.

Someone tripping, slipping, falling and aren’t seriously hurt (pride doesn’t count)…I am sorry but that’s always funny.  I will ask you if you are ok while I try to hold it together but I will laugh at you.  I can’t help it. 

I can’t help but laugh when I jump out from behind a door etc…and scare the pants off someone.  I know, it’s sick and twisted, but it’s funny.

Stupid movies always make me laugh…I am thinking along the lines of Napoleon Dynamite, Christmas Vacation.

When my son tries to make the “loser” sign with his thumb and index finger, but it’s always backwards because he is left handed…yes even that makes me laugh.

You know when a huge laugh comes right from your gut unexpectedly….isn’t that the best feeling?

An unexpected text message makes me stupid happy.  Not only does it make me happy, but it often makes me a laugh because I have some very twisted individuals in my life who appreciate my love of all things sick and weird.

You can be sure I will laugh at your one liner, sarcastic comment or dry humour. 

If the jar of nuts I just purchased says “may contain nuts” I always crack a smile. 

Having a funeral at 8:00 on a week day morning for a dead bird found beak up on our lawn even made me smile as my daughter wished it well on its journey into the afterlife.  It was her pondering whether the bird would come back as a cat to fight the neighbour cat who she thought killed it in the first place that had me giggling.

Sometimes I just laugh for no reason…the kind of laugh that takes over for a few minutes, tears rolling, no sound coming out at all, kind of laugh.  It must be a built in defence mechanism for stress.

I will always laugh when someone else is laughing.  The funnier their laugh, the more I come apart at the seams.

My co-workers add comic relief to my day, every day, by doing nothing more than being themselves.

Smart ass comments, quick witted observations and good natured teasing will likely get a huge laugh from the very centre of my soul.

Singing in the car…loud…makes me happy.  Music in general makes my spirit happy.

Mishaps, general clumsiness, and words that don’t come out just right make me smile.

The kids and I performing our after dinner dance routines in the kitchen always has me laughing.  Have you ever seen my “sprinkler”?  lol…google that one if you aren’t sure what that is.

Listening to my kids whisper and giggle to each other long after they are in bed swells my heart with more joy than is humanly possible.  It puts an instant smile on my face.

I have amazing friends and family in my life who provide me with constant laughter.  It could be a text message, an email, something posted on my facebook wall…or just a hilarious face to face conversation.  Those are things that brighten my day, every day.

I could go on and on and on about the things that add humour and laughter to my day.  It’s all these little moments of joy, the moments that we could let slip away unnoticed, that make me happy, that put a smile on my face, that remind me to stop taking life so seriously once in a while.

It’s a total cliché, but yes, life is too short to be miserable. Find the humour in your day; embrace the silly, laugh for goodness sake. 

How do I do this?  How can I laugh when I really want to cry, shout, wither away, and hide from the world?  I have made myself become more aware by simply allowing myself to “be” in the moment.  Instead of “letting things go” I am practicing the art of “let it be”.  I just breathe and let the moment be what it is.  When you start to accept there are just some things out of your control and you “let it be”, it becomes easier to find humour in everyday life.  Letting go implies that it was never important in the first place.  Letting it be, reminds you that even though things are rough, you can still enjoy the small moments of joy, the unexpected laughter that is woven into your day. 

Today is the day I promise myself to let it be...whatever that may mean in that moment.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Today-is-the-day/266430446735734

Where the hell did the boundaries go?

Lines have been crossed…so many in fact there are no lines.  Just a blur of broken promises, hurt feelings and disappointment.  This time, I cannot let it go unchecked. 

My ex and I agreed that when the time came for our children (yes, ours) to meet a partner, we would discuss it with the kids and make sure their feelings were heard.  It was something that they asked for in counselling.  Did that happen?  No.  Am I surprised?  Unfortunately no.

Months of counselling, tears spilled, fears brought into the light and constant, reassuring hugs given, all taken back to square one because out of spite, (his admission) he disrespected me, our children and did a disservice to himself.

The problem is that he assumes I am stupid.  I am not.  I will always find out and I will not allow our kids to be pawns in his games

Over the last year, I have taken the high road.  I have allowed things to slide, I have allowed liberties to be taken and I have been more than kind to him.  I have not enforced our agreement to any degree just so I can keep the peace.  I have not been unfair or hurtful to him in any way. I have not told the general public the details of the events that led up to this.  I have even be able to overlook his lack of basic parenting skills…for example…when he wouldn’t pay for our daughter’s new glasses (which he gets reimbursed for through his work benefits) because and I quote, “But it’s superbowl weekend and I need the extra money because I have plans.”   Don’t even be outraged by that statement because the damage and words spoken are far worse than that. 

I have been extremely accommodating, kind, understanding, supportive and constant in reminding the kids every day how much their dad cares for them.  Now, because of his selfish actions, I have been made a liar…he has proven time and again that he only cares about himself.

Unfortunately for him, there is fire inside me that has been ignited, and is going to cause an unleashing of power that he has never witnessed.

This is the story of how this all began this past weekend.

So after dating this woman for about 10 seconds, he decides, that it would be a great idea to bring her to one of Hannah’s most important moments in her young life.  Her first time on stage with her musical theatre group.  The recital she has put her blood, sweat and tears into for the last 10 months.  The one thing that she is most proud of.  The one event that has consumed her soul. 

When she comes out on stage and expects to see her grandmother, her little brother and her father, ready to cheer her forward in her big moment she sees a stranger staring back at her, and her heart is shattered.  In the front row he chooses to sit, with his arm around someone my daughter is not ready to share her triumphs with, while her brother sits there, confused and upset and honestly too afraid to say anything because he knows if he does, he will be punished for expressing his feelings. 

My heart breaks for her, my heart breaks for our son.  Does this man, this adult, this father, know no boundaries?  How can he just shit on the two people who love him more than anyone in this world? 

It’s not like my children know this woman.  It’s not like they have developed a relationship with her. They met her once before…a brief encounter (which I was also left in the dark about, but I digress) A relationship with your parent’s new partner takes time, understanding, patience.  To assume that she was wanted there is ludacris. Our daughter, with her huge heart, left standing there, ambushed.   In an effort to show everyone he has a girlfriend, he single handidly destroyed a moment for my daughter that she will never get back.

 You see he lives by his rule of it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.  It’s his selfish way of getting what he wants without any personal responsibility.   I live by the rule that if you don’t want me to treat you like an asshole then stop being one. 

His version of why he invited her?  Because she invited him to her 3 year old daughter’s dance recital, so he assumed that our daughter would want the same thing.  This child is 3!!!  She has no idea what the hell is going on.  Our daughter is almost 11 years old…the damage he has done to her over the last year is going to shape her views on men, marriage and relationships for the rest of her life. 

The meeting of the girlfriend is not my issue here. Thankfully he is someone else’s problem now.  The issue is the constant disrespect, the arrogance, the complete lack of any common sense, the total disregard for boundaries. 

This is the part that needs to be heard.  No matter what your situation, your relationship status, your position at work, whatever…as a human being who shares this earth, there are boundaries that need to be respected.  Basic rules for life people!  Respect, appreciation, thoughtfulness, kindness, compassion, empathy.  All very important to remember as a human being. 

His narcissist view of people as mere objects there for his sake to serve his needs and desires is not only disturbing but disheartening.  I think Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she spoke these words, “You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."

Today is the day that I re-establish boundaries.  I will not compromise myself any longer and I will teach my children that they too, should never compromise themselves for the sake of not rocking the boat.   I will teach them (and myself) how to say no, this is no longer acceptable.  I will no longer protect him, I will no longer defend him and I certainly won’t be his doormat for another second longer. 

I will not tolerate people, anyone at all, including their father, fucking with these amazing children.  Call it mother’s instinct, call it crazy, call it whatever you want.  It just isn’t going to happen. 

The heartache he has caused and continues to cause these kids will not be tolerated.  I will no longer stand by and watch him break their spirits time and time again.  I am saying loud and clear, enough is enough. 

These are my new boundaries.  What is acceptable and more importantly what is not.

He thought he left a bitch behind when he went looking something better…he hasn’t seen anything yet.  For all you praying folks, better say one for him tonight.  It appears he is going to need it.

Here comes the bride…

No…I am not getting married. 
And I am not looking to get married anytime soon. 

However, my brother in law (can I still call him that?) did get married this weekend.  They woke up this morning as husband and wife.  It brought back memories of my marriage, the good memories, the not so good memories, the realization that our dreams and plans would never come to be.  The realization that on the weekend of their life beginning as husband and I wife, I could officially file for divorce as our year of separation has come to a close.  This is where things get tricky for me.

I received a beautiful invitation to join in the celebration and declined.  After all, this was their day and I really felt strongly about not making any waves.  Secondly, I firmly believe that it would be a huge step back for the kids to see their dad and I together at a huge family function such as their uncle’s wedding.  They aren’t ready for that and frankly, neither am I.  Third, it’s not my place anymore.  As much as that hurts to actually see that in written words, I feel that I no longer have the right to be a part of this family.  His decisions and choices forced that on me.  Lastly, in all honesty, I need to start separating myself before I drive myself mad.

It’s been difficult creating distance from his family.  We have been part of each other’s worlds for the last 20 years.  How do you just stop being part of a family?  We will always be “family” because of the children, but I really feel like I have lost the connection.  In all honesty, I feel like it’s not mine to hold on to anymore.

Now don’t get me wrong…I have an amazing family who has been so very supportive of me and my children.  That’s not what this post is about. 

This post is missing being part of something bigger. 

It has become difficult not to get weepy when I go over to my mother in law’s for a visit with the kids.  It tears me up to say “no” to invitations extended from his family.  I say “no” because I can’t handle the feelings that come along with the realization that this is no longer my “family”. 

I want so badly to hold on to his mom, his sister, his extended family, but I know it’s not healthy to do that.  I know that I will always be accepted and welcomed within that circle, however, it breaks my heart every time I am there.  It’s a double edged sword. 

I never in a million years thought that there would be a worse heartache than losing him…but there is.  It’s losing his family and my role in it.  I am no longer the daughter in law, but the ex wife.  I am no longer the sister in law to the sister I have known since she was 6 years old.  I can’t speak for how they feel, but this is how I feel, how I fit into this whole mess.

I imagine they are struggling with the letting go as much as I am. 

I would think that once all the newness eases and he introduces someone else into his family’s lives, things will change again.  I will be replaced.  We are all replaceable I suppose.  As amazing and fantastic as I am…I am replaceable.  At work, in our social circles, with our extended families.  We can all be replaced.  This is just a fact.  We all have this grand idea that if we fell off the face of the earth, things would never be the same.  Well readers…life always goes on with or without you. 

That’s why I have chosen to keep moving forward.  I don’t want life to pass me by. 

Much earlier in my journey, a friend and I were talking and she asked whether I would ever get married again.  Initially I said hell no.  Never again would I place my heart, my trust, my children, my life, my soul in the hands of someone. 

Time is a great healer my friends.  Wounds have healed, perspective has focused and although my heart is scarred, it is definitely worthy of love.   I would get married again, but this time for all the right reasons and with lessons learned guiding me.

I know there are a lot of you reading this thinking…marriage is over rated.  It’s just a piece of paper that doesn’t indicate any level of commitment.  It’s a prison.  I can hear you all now.  While I agree that you can be happy in a relationship without the piece of paper, even happier than some with the piece of paper, I am not giving up.

The fact is, I believe in love.  I believe in second chances.  I believe that with the right person, we could prove that marriage is not disposable, as the trend seems to be with people in my age group. 

I believe that being married brings about a whole new level of commitment, responsibility, trust. 

I love wearing a wedding ring…a symbol that shows the whole world that I belong to someone and vice versa.  I always felt a renewed surge of love when I heard the sound our rings made when we held hands, you know the little noise of metal on metal, reminding you of your connection. 

I love saying the word “husband”.  It’s not only the fact that “boyfriend” at my age sounds so lame, it’s the fact that there is respect behind the word “husband.”  I have always had respect for what the word means, but even more so now.

I loved being a wife and the responsibility that came with that title. 

Marriage to me is the knowing that there has been an official commitment made to each other on a firm foundation of respect.

I believe that who we could be as a team in marriage is infinitely greater than who we are as boyfriend/girlfriend.  I’ve had flashes of our wise, old faces in rocking chairs on the front porch of our home. I’m choosing to stick it out to see that.

Being happy within ourselves is nice, but sharing that happiness is wonderful. I think that is one of the perks about marriage being able to share yourself the good and the bad with someone. No walls, no expectations.  Just happiness.

Knowing that someone's always on my side.  Encouraging me to be better, dream big dreams.  That was something I never had in my marriage and would like to embrace that with someone.

Marriage is a lot of work, and I'm grateful for that.  It constantly challenged me in ways that made me who I am today. 

Marriage is a beautiful thing – no I’m not talking about the wedding but marriage, when truly taken on by two souls who are willing to work and grow together, can be a most glorious picture of unconditional love.

People say that marriage is the end of freedom. They don’t necessarily use those words, but they’re constantly implying them. I disagree.  It gives you a different kind of freedom.  Freedom to be yourself, your light and dark and still be accepted.  It gives your partner the same freedom.  Knowing you can be free to be who you are and are accepted for that is amazing.

I believe that the second time around I can build a solid relationship founded on friendship first.  Friendship with someone at this age is definitely not what it was when I was 15.  Having a strong foundation will make for a stronger marriage.  I have this wisdom with me now.  I want the chance to do it right.

Marriage makes you a better person. I don’t mean that you aren’t amazing on your own.  If you choose someone who is insightful, respectful, honest, funny, appreciative, that’s the kind of companion who can make you a better person. They bring out the best in you. They challenge you to be the best version of yourself.  They push you when you need to be pushed and pull you close when you need support.

Falling in love over and over again with each other.  I suppose you could do that without the legal piece of paper, but I am a romantic at heart, so this goes on the list.

Marriage is hard…I like that. 

I know that all my points could be argued.  You absolutely do not need a piece of paper to make most of these statements true.

That being said…I don’t ever want to say on my deathbed, “Thank God I played it safe when I was in love.” 

I want to be able to revel in the fact that I risked it all and made the most of every second life had to offer me.

Congratulations Celeste and Daryl.  Let your love endure beyond the last sunset.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Today-is-the-day/266430446735734

Trust, faith, fear...

Yes, it has been a while since my last post.  My apologies my readers.  It’s been a year this month since my “trial separation” that ultimately lead to the permanent end.  I knew that this milestone would be a difficult time of reflection for me.  Trying to release the “what if’s” the “should haves” … it’s been a challenge for a thinker like myself.  I would like to say life is content and although it is, I have been contemplating much over the last couple of weeks.

Mainly trust, faith, risk….

When you take a risk, trust and faith go right along with it. 

My trouble right now is being brave enough to take some risks.  Aside from my dating disasters, my crazy activities and strange happenings….I am talking real risk.  Heart and soul risks.  I will be the first to admit I am scared to death.  (click on the link below to read my last post about fear)

http://adventuresinfindingme.blogspot.ca/2012/05/hey-me-too.html

How does such a strong willed person let fear paralyze her?  Why do I allow the past to continue to control my future?  How do you finally face the fear and move forward into the brilliant life that is waiting?  My instinct and the quiet voice that guides me says “time.”  Lots of time.  Time will bring forth boldness, perspective and freedom. 

Not to worry…the pain of a broken heart is healing at a speed that frightens me to a point, the memories have become more of a comfort than heartache and the weeping has ceased.  The anger has dissolved.  I was out running errands the other day and saw him in his truck.  I glanced up and thought to myself, “Oh, that’s (insert name here).”  I didn’t feel the sadness, the bitterness, the anger, the devastation of the past.  It was such an odd feeling to not feel, that I actually pulled my car over and analyzed the encounter. I was surprised; confused, even felt a bit guilty that seeing him didn’t affect me.  It confounded me that in one passing moment, I came to the conclusion that the past year of turmoil had come to an end.  The pain eased, just like I had known it would.

So after the pain comes the fear of risk. 

 I have been afraid to change because my entire life was built around what I thought was forever.  What I thought I needed, what I thought I wanted, suddenly swept out from under my feet and what’s left is real and raw and somewhat overwhelming.  The excitement and exhilaration of a new life.  The freedom to finally be who I was meant to be.  The knowledge that yes, I am ok on my own.  The flip side…the fear of being enough, fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of totally fucking up my kids, fear of the unknown.  It’s a delicate balance of rushing head first into the light and being jerked back by terror and insecurities.

One of my favourite quotes is “who would I be if I took the limits away?”  I don’t know who wrote that or where I even heard it, but it definitely resonates with me right now at this point in my life.  I don’t want limits anymore. 

It’s easy to play it safe.  It’s easy to stay in my pajamas and hide away in my living room.  I don’t want easy anymore. 

I want to live with an open heart and spirit.  There is an unstoppable force driving me towards it.  It’s where I am supposed to be.  I truly believe that I am being gently nudged out of my comfort zone by the people in my life and the choices I make.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable, even prickly at times, but oh so amazing! 

I take a risk every time I write.  I feel the fear and write anyway.  It eases my soul and releases the jumble of thoughts that run through my brain.  Without it, I am not sure I would be so far into my journey. 

So to you my amazing readers…thank you.  Because without you, my writing would just be words. 

Hey me too!

I am going to start off by saying…I am not looking for sympathy, pity or a cheering squad regarding this post.  (But cheer me on if you must, I really don’t mind lol)

The purpose of this post is to openly discuss, that deep down, single or not, we all have fears.  Some of us struggle with our self image, some of us with self esteem, for some of us it’s the fear of rejection, hurt, pain, judgement.

I am about to share mine with you.  So, in my always honest and blunt fashion, here we go.

My first few months of “dating” were more experimentation on my part.  What kind of qualities in a person do I like, what kind of things will I not tolerate and who I am as a single mother.  A strange, scary, bizzare trial and error to find out what I need.  Mistakes were made…more than I care to think about and the growing pains that come along with this new life of mine have taught me many lessons. Through these lessons I became fully aware of my tendency to sabotage any new person I saw after the second date.  There was a purpose behind that.  The voice in my head said, “stop this now before they find out who you really are and dump you first.”  A get them before they get you attitude gets you nowhere fast and not only are you nowhere, you’re alone.  Needless to say, I wasn’t ready and I am not sure I am even ready now.  Now that the novelty of “dating” has worn off, I find myself wanting something more, or should I say someone more.  It’s only natural I suppose to graduate from testing the waters to getting into a committed relationship at some point…but truth be told, I am scared to death. 

We all show the world who we want them to see.  For me, it’s a strong willed, funny, confident, independent woman.  That’s the face I choose for all of you to see.  I am actually all those things. 

However, underneath that face is a woman who is scared she will never be enough.  A woman who was so caught up in putting everyone else first that she became resentful and bitter.  A woman who cries (a lot) because no matter how hard she tries, she hears the harsh words said to her, still lingering in her head. A woman who could never do enough, clean enough, work enough, be enough, tolerate enough to make a marriage work.  A woman who, no matter how hard she tries to make everyone think she’s ok, is wondering why on earth anyone would choose her or what she has to offer.

I am fully aware these thoughts were put into my head during the long road to my marriage breakdown…nevertheless…if I think too much I start to wonder if they are true.  I think we all have our moments of self-doubt.  Not to worry…these thoughts don’t consume me. 

Forget about my abandonment issues (my shrink and I deal with that) but sometimes I wonder…if the person who knew me better than anyone, the person who promised to love me until death do us part could walk away… why wouldn’t someone else do the same.  That’s the risk you take I suppose.  But let me tell you a secret…I am not a risk taker.  I like comfort, security and knowing…perhaps why this whole process has been difficult for me. 

I focus everyday on putting positive energy out into the universe…I firmly believe in the law of attraction. It does work, trust me and 98% of the time I remain optimistic, but, being human, there are moments when I panic.  Is there someone out there who will embrace a scared, thirty something single mother with huge trust issues?  Is there someone really willing to take on my sensitive heart?  Is there someone who will understand my fierce devotion to my children?  Someone who will understand my insane need for approval?  Someone who will still want to wake up beside me years from now?  Someone who will see that the strong willed pain in the ass needs a gentle spirit to calm her?  I know what you’re thinking…these are my issues and rest assured I am not looking for someone to “change” me.  These are the things that make me who I am as much as the positive qualities.  A balance of light and dark if you will.  What scares me most is that once a new person gets past the “face” I put on and sees the real me…what will they think?  Will they go running for the hills or will they embrace the person that I am?  Insecurities and all?

I know I am not alone in this.  We all have our fears and hang ups. We all want to be accepted for who we are and that includes the bits of us that we work so hard to hide.   It really is a shame that we spent so much of our energy pretending that life is always rosy.  It’s during these moments of self-doubt that I wish other people would say “hey me too.”  So, that’s what I am doing.  To all of you, who need to hear it, who need to know you’re not alone, “hey me too.”

Perhaps it’s time I get beyond the second date.

Raw fish, motion sickness and inner peace...

So here I am back from vacation and it already feels like it was months ago that I was away (in reality it’s been a week)

Real life is definitely not as fun as vacation life, but alas…vacation life doesn’t pay the bills.

I conquered many fears on this trip.  Here they are in no specific order:

Flying was the big one.  And to be honest, it wasn’t that bad.  I think the company I had on the flight helped.   Of course I was slightly sweaty during take off and landing…and during turbulence…and having to pee on the plane…and wondering if anyone else heard me snoring while I dozed…oh and obsessing over why the wing was moving so much while we were zooming through the sky.  So, yes, fear of flying…conquered.  Well sort of.

My fear of heights.  This one was challenged on so many levels.  Nevermind the plane trip.  I really didn’t see too much of what was below me.  It was our cliff and mountain adventures that made me nauseated.  The Capilano suspension bridge, cliff walk and the cable car up a mountain (aka the tin can of death) however challenged my fear of heights.

 The suspension bridge is 450 feet (137m) across and 230 feet (70m) above the Capilano River, over some extremely pointy rocks and rushing water.  Not only that, it is supported only by cables and sways with any movement.  Trust me when I say I was paralyzed with fear at one point.  It took all I had to remove the death grip I had on the railing and just keep walking.  Thankfully my cousin pulled my camera off me so she could take some photos…otherwise there would be none. 

The cliff walk didn’t seem that scary to me until I actually saw the pictures of us on the side of a cliff.  Here is the actual description of the cliff walk off the website:  “This is the newest of the activities at Vancouver's Capilano Suspension Bridge. Open June 3, 2011, this heart-stopping cliffside journey takes you through rainforest vegetation on a series of unobtrusive cantilevered and suspended walkways jutting out from the granite cliff face above Capilano River to previously unexplored areas of the park. Not for the faint of heart, it is high and narrow and, in some sections, glass (very strong glass) is all that separates guests from the canyon far below.”   Yes, I nearly shit myself.

The cable car up Grouse Mountain (The peak of Vancouver) was another story.  It combined my fear of heights with my fear of being smothered to death as we were all shoved like sardines into the tin can of death (known to normal people, a cable car).  Exceeding 1,200 m (4,000 feet) in altitude at it’s peak, up we went.  The ride was so worth it.  It was like a whole other world up there.  Amazingly huge trees, wolves, and even a bear out of hibernation made the trip up worthwhile.  The best part was the view of the city below.  It was absolutely one of the best memories I will have of the trip.

My fear of public transportation.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Any kind of motorized vehicle that I am not driving.  My fear is not that I don’t have control over the vehicle, it’s that I have severe motion sickness.  Cabs, buses, trains, cars, boats…all make me queasy.  Just ask my poor cousin who had to endure a 3 hour road trip with me in the back of our grandma’s car one summer.  We spent a great deal of time on the side of the road that trip.  Anyway…since my cousin doesn’t own a vehicle (which after seeing the city of Vancouver, I say is a very smart idea) we took public transportation everywhere.  AND…I didn’t throw up…not even once.  I outsmarted the sea bus, the regular bus and even the skytrain.  Only one time did I feel like vomiting and I am not even sure if was motion sickness, but because of the annoyingly loud passenger behind me.  Side note to all those who use public transportation…please stop bathing in perfume/cologne.  Some of us like to be able to breath.  Thank you.

My fear of trying new things…stepping out of my comfy box.  Aside from the obvious heights, flying, transportation stuff, on this trip I ate raw fish for the first time, I ate at a Japanese noodle house for the first time, I ended up in the middle of a hobo market for the first and let me add the last time (don’t ask) and I learned that nothing beats a night of looking out the window of a condo commentating on the party at the Legion across the way.

I relaxed, let go and laughed.  Why is this listed under fears conquered you might be asking yourself.  It has to do with my fear of being out of control.  I like to know what I am doing, where I am headed, make a list and keep to my routine.  Outside of that I am anxious, nervous and quite honestly a bit of a pain in the ass.  So, when I actually accepted the fact that I deserved this trip and let go of the guilt, I literally laughed my ass off for 6 solid days.  It felt amazing to be with my cousins…it was just like when we were little.  Spending time with them was exactly what I needed.   We didn’t talk about anything serious or earth shattering.  We acted stupid, came up with the same stupid stuff we did as kids and cursed like sailors (much to the horror my cousin’s husband I am sure) I enjoyed every second, stopped admired the view (a lot lol) and appreciated the fact that I was able to absorb all of it.  I didn’t think about work, the house, the bills, the everyday stress, the ex and his crazy head games or whether my kids were ok (because I knew they were) It felt so foreign to me at first.  Letting go is hard.  Thankfully I got over it quick and breathed in the entire experience.

I have so much love and support in my life and to all of you, I say thank you from the bottom of my ever healing heart.  A big thanks to those of you who made my trip possible.  You know who you are.

I would say that my first trip away was a complete success.  The only problem I have now is…where should I go next?